Hi, my name is liludallas! My son is 18 autistic. He rarely leaves the house.

I know it's been a few years since you wrote about your son. I have the same situation. My son is 18 autistic. He's very smart but can not show it on work so college seems a long shot. He tells me all the time he's leaving( nobody has told him to leave) but he never does. I don't know maybe he will one day but my thoughts are he probably will not cope well with the "world". I've told him he can stay for however long he wants and my home is always there for him. He rarely leaves the house (irony) but to scooter around the cul de sac late at night. He doesn't like people and for the last year has isolated himself away from other family members. The world is hard enough for young adults to navigate but no matter how much support I offer this 6'0 big guy refuses all help. I wonder if this is delayed adolescence or will he be isolating for the rest of his life. He used to love new adventures but all that gusto is gone. Other adults I talk to think I can drag him to therapy but we all know you can't drag someone to do that. So all I can do if offer support, love, kindness and patience. Adulthood is not turning out like I had hoped for him but I pray everyday that he has peace with himself.

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Holly_Scope

Hi @liludallas firstly, just wanted to say welcome to the community and thank you for sharing. I really feel for you both. That age is difficult as it is, without taking in to account the additional impact of autism.

It's a shame he feels college isn't a right fit for him. Is there something in-particular that he's passionate about that you could encourage him to lean into to make him feel happier? Also, I'm just thinking if there might be an alternative option more suited to him like an online course or an apprenticeship if he's keen to continue with learning? Also, does he have close friends he grew up with. If he's lost contact and is isolating, can you encourage him to make contact with them again? I'm really sorry if I'm suggesting things you've already tried.

I've done a little research and found a link which I hope is somewhat helpful - How to Deal With Loneliness: Helping Socially Isolated Teens.

It's lovely that you're so patient and supportive. I've no doubt that having that approach will help reassure him he has a safe space when he's ready to talk about his feelings. I appreciate you've said he won't attend therapy. Has he sought any support from his GP? There might be some other options available for him.

I can't imagine how this must feel for you - you're clearly a very loving and caring parent. Please make sure that you look after yourself too. 💛

MsR

I am sorry for the difficulties that your son is experiencing.

From what you have written I will say these things from what I have read when someone has the ability to do more and an ends trapped at home longterm it hasn’t appeared to lead to a healthy situation so I am going to show to you two examples from autistic parents on another board so can see that and say you do not wish to go there. I will also link another post so can see the replies by other autistics.

I myself have also experienced this in my lifetime and in my teens as well.

I think now school is over your son needs to draw a list of his talents and positive interests and try and get some basis from those and get stability from them. From focusing on interests can come other ideas. We all have our own talents as human beings. Look for positive accounts of others that could uplift him. You mention that you pray for him and I do not know what that means for you and if he has any faith at all as well. If so, is there may be groups and things to explore as well if interested. Is there anything that could support you as a family as well.

I do not know about yours sons needs, but perhaps if he has at least moderately severe sensory needs and over have they ever seen an OT for autism trying to manage the sensory. I have seen one on the NHS with suggestions of how to manage my condition. I don’t know if your son has any Mental health conditions as if so, there may be also groups also that may be obtainable to him. https://community.autism.org.uk/f/mental-health-and-wellbeing/37829/help-breaking-point

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/37635/i-have-a-ds-with-asd-who-lives-with-me-and-has-no-job-or-income-i-worry-about-how-he-will-cope-in-the-future-when-i-am-no-longer-around

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/should-i-just-give-up-on-people-for-a-while.49441/

anisty

Hiya, You are not alone in your situation (and neither is your son) Teens that refuse to leave the house are increasing in numbers, especially post pandemic. School refusal, addiction to gaming, autism (often undiagnosed) fear of what is portrayed in the media as a very scary world. Lots of valid reasons.

The world outside has become a terrifying place for your son and he might also have depression and hopelessness about his situation.

Baby steps are needed and specialist help. Would he at all consider some online councelling from the privacy of his own bedroom? That might be step 1.

Step 2 might be going to the GP with you to see if he needs antidepressants. They might be needed as a crutch short term.

i would suggest a goal to work towards is voluntary work in a charity shop. I know that is far away at the moment but the reason i suggest a charity shop specifically is because it is slow paced and other staff will not be in his peer group. That removes pressure to make a friend. He will be treated with kid gloves by the other staff.

If you can find odd jobs for him to do in your house (even in his bedroom) that could boost self esteen - things like affixing a spice rack, painting a room, changing a lightbulb, get him on a bit of DIY and really admire his efforts.

Maybe he'd top up the anti freeze or Ad blue in your car,that sort of thing.

i think you will need professional help but don't despair. He is still young and there's time to work on this.

MsR

I briefly did some voluntary work in a Charity shop and it didn't go well for me as an autistic and having the co condition that I have. I explained that I needed to be seated as just coming out of hospital and wasn't that physically fight. When I went to work I was put straight at the back steaming and sorting out clothes. I would have spent the duration of the shift there if I never said I needed to leave. With my autism probably the intensity of the old clothes the smelll I couldn't bare of the shop. I find some charity shops difficult on that ground but not all are like this and I wonder why. Also, I am sure with the right support someone could have a much better experience and many do.

Someone though when they see someone who may seem young, fit and healthy on the outside may struggle to get anything else. So letting them know where he needs to be supported if was to persue this and it needs to be respected.

My interests in my life has given me a lot of navigation on it and it has given me things to feel fulfiled in.

anisty

That's a real pity, @MsR . The reason I suggested it was very, very beneficial for all 3 of my boys!

My eldest boy - he's not got any official diagnosis as he kicked off against all support in high school. He's very bright but needed support through primary due to dyspraxia, major attention and organisational problems - you know the score!

He ended up referred to a psychiatrist at 14yrs who wanted him assessed for autism but he was not engaging with that.

Anyway, he did get work in a charity shop at 16yrs and it did a wonder for his confidence and social skills. He left home at 18, moved far from home and worked in shop work (paid) and night factory work. He worked really hard to support himself. 3 jobs! I think he might have the PDA form of autism as he gets an idea in his head and has his own agenda. At this point he was determined to prove he could live and work independently. He took off from home on a bus and we never heard from him for 3 years! Even now, he's not communicative but has a fabulous partner who is very patient.

He was fortunate in getting trained up as a fork lift driver and now does that - all started in the charity shop though! He might well still be in his bedroom at home without that first step as, at 18, he was a mass of long black hair right over his face - i doubt he'd have got paid work looking as he did! He soon got his hair cut once he had rent and bills to pay!

My middle son is my disabled boy - he has a learning disability too . He started in a charity shop (with support worker help) and eventually moved to a cafe specifically providing employment opportunities for disabled people.

He volunteered there for 6 years, and then just last year, they gave him a few paid hours!!

He has his whole week filled with volunteer work which is brilliant as, at home, he spends all his time on his computer. He likes the routine of his week.

My youngest son, again undiagnosed and very bright had some mental health issues at uni. He is definitely autistic and adhd too im sure but of course gp won't take it further than anti ds and he can't afford to go private.

He finished his degree with a Ist class honours but was spending all day asleep and all night ruminating dark thoughts. Got him to the charity shop - transformed within weeks!

He soon got paid work (not related to his degree i hasten to add) but he is out mixing and talking to people. And earning money.

None of my boys have any physical disability though - it sounds as if your experience was unfortunately negative due to your physical limitations.

MsR

anisty as you written your sons have had a good experience in Charity shops. I am glad to read that and did suspect it could be got right.

My other co condition isn't rare with autism and it is a feeding mental health issue that results that results in fraility etc. I felt overwhelmed by tasking me with me jobs like steaming. I very hardly touched the iron as it was at home. I did note it in an instagram I had at that time and I mentioned it was a bit too much for my back it seemed. It is a shame that it didn't go well for me. I have thought about it again somewhere since then but nothing has come from it.

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MsR

Also I don't know if you or your son has ever seen the BBC Inside my our mind on autistic people. It featured the story of four autistic people who swas living out their interests. It can still be watched on iplayer.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p0bbnh47/inside-our-autistic-minds

I will say as well someone who delayed from doing further studies I did it post 21 as a mature student when all the qualiifcations was not needed. You still may need basics and in the the time if your son has any interest in further post 21 study. You still may need some basics so epuip yourself if interested in the wait.

anisty

Yes, I'm sure you could avoid any steaming altogether and still do charity work - i don't think my son has been near an iron in the charity shop; he wouldn't know how to use it!

Your point about post 21 study is a good one for the OP. Autistic teens are about 3 years behind NT teens in their development so it's great that sudies can be picked up at any time. Transition into adulthood is hard enough for anyone, but for autistic teens it's very overwhelming so OP is doing right to provide that safe space.

Right now though, it's those small steps to get this young man back into society at a level that is comfortable for him.

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