How to safeguard PDA risk curious 13 year old

isla5609

Hi there. I have a 13 year old child diagnosed autistic PDA. She strives for autonomy and freedom. She is risk curious (alcohol, maybe more). She is social and goes out with friends. I feel she is very vulnerable. Communication between us is up and down. I don't think she tells the truth, but also don't know if I am just growing increasingly paranoid.

How can one do low demand for PDA edgy teens and grant freedom, and have trust, when evidence does not support the truth on relatively minor matters. She does not have a close relationship with us although we try low demand and compassionate responses. Typical teen but with a twist.

Should I insist on phone monitoring when this sends her over the edge (Google family link not checking which we don't do but wish we could)

I feel a bit lost and worried. How to help her anxiety when mine is increasingly through the roof

isla5609

If this is wrong place...feel free to move it!

Annie_Scope

Hello @isla5609

I will start by saying a warm welcome to the community.

I can completely see why you are feeling worried, and you are only wanting to look out for your daughter. Managing PDA as a parent can be very difficult, so you're in the right place to get support and advice.

There is some good information and support on the PDA Society website, which you might find helpful if you haven't looked before. There is a section for teenagers and parents.

Support for Parents, Carers & Family – PDA Society

Here is some other information I found, which you may find helpful too,

1.3-A-teens-guide-to-PDA-Laura-Kerbey.pdf

PDA: Supporting Teens with Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism - What Works with Teens

Can I ask how she is at school? is there a person she trusts in school, who could maybe do some work around safety etc. I have found in the past that children and young people with PDA respond better to other adults, maybe someone in school or a family member who isn't a parent. It's important that they don't say they will keep anything from you as her parents, but they can help support and talk to your daughter about how she is feeling, and how you are feeling. If you haven't done already it would be worth sharing any safeguarding concerns with school too, so they have a record.

Sometimes intensives can work too, when giving independence and encouraging communication with teenagers. It sounds like she may not respond well to you insisting on monitoring her phone, but maybe there could be some agreement/incentive to encourage her to talk about anything you have concerns about?

Thanks Annie

isla5609

Thank you. I appreciate your reply.

I am.in touch with PDA society and those links are also helpful.

I think the reason I am.most worried is that she isn't open to us. Is dishonest. If we were able to have better interactions (I take the verbal blows on the chin and am thoughtful with approaches and language, and have compassionate nd love for her). Maybe I need to ride this time out, but man, it is so hard.

If it doesn't break us I really hope we come our stronger.

I just want her to be happy and I am not sure she is.

School are great and we have a support approach planned their side. Fingers crossed it works, even a bit

Annie_Scope

Morning @isla5609

Your concerns and worries are normal for a parent, and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Parenting any teenager can be hard, especially when setting new rules and boundaries whilst allowing more independence. Add PDA in the mix and it’s another layer of challenges all together, as they don’t respond well to rules and boundaries especially from parents. Consistency is key, I’m sure she won’t mean half of what she might say, but it’s her impulse reaction to verbalize her frustration.

I’m glad to hear school are great. Maybe liaise with them about your concerns and see if they can get her to open up and discuss her feelings. They could introduce strategies and tools which may help her manage her feelings and emotions better, the PDA society will have resources too. They could explain your concerns and reinforce how you need to set rules and boundaries as her parents, this could help rebuild a more open relationship with her.

Have you got a support network to off load to? As we need to look after our well being as parents too, make sure you’re taking some time for you.

Keep us updated 😊

SaraC_Scope

Morning @isla5609

I hear you and completely understand. We are adoptive parents and our son, now twenty has an attachment disorder with PDA traits.

It was difficult when he was young as we were figuring out what was going on. We did have some support from the adoption team, but effectively we were dealing with it alone. The techniques were helpful, but when he hit 12, things spiralled.

He wanted independence and wouldn't listen at times. I learnt I had to pick my battles. There were things we had firm boundaries with, like being home on time and attending school. But other things I had to learn to let go of. If he refused to shower or do homework, I had to accept this and hope that school would pick him up on not handing work in on time. He would eventually shower!

It's exhausting being a parent to a child with PDA, but if the foundations of your parenting are there, it benefits them later on. My son is starting to recognise the his Dad and I just wanted to give him the tools to live his life. His behaviour and attitude is much kinder.

@SaraC_Scope