Stress about university

N826
N826 Scope Member Posts: 14 Listener
in Education and skills

hi,

so I have applied for university in September and I got an offer for one in Birmingham. I currently live in London with my parents and siblings (I’m the youngest at home) and I want to stay in uni accommodation (I’m gay, family are homophobic and this is my last option as social services won’t help me but i genuinely do want to go to uni) I’ve only told my mum about this offer, as I’m too scared to tell my dad and siblings about it. Because I’m the youngest, only daughter and a wheelchair user my family is extremely overprotective of me. My mum isn’t happy with me moving to Birmingham because I have no family in Birmingham (the closest is I have a cousin and her husband in Manchester) and as my mum is my full time carer, she is too worried about how I will cope physically wise with my needs. When I first told my mum, she didn’t even hug me, celebrate with me or happily tell me well done or that she’s proud of me. Because of this reaction, I’m stressed about how to tell rest of family (I tried the topic before but they all just got angry and shouted) but I’m just so sick of fighting and hiding and following their rules. If someone could give me some advice that would be great, especially a parent of a wheelchair user

Comments

  • SarahT41
    SarahT41 Scope Member Posts: 44 Contributor

    Firstly congratulations on the offer! I'm so sorry that you aren't being properly celebrated by the people in your life.

    I would reach out to the university's disability department and also the disabled students helpline:

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  • SarahT41
    SarahT41 Scope Member Posts: 44 Contributor

    Oops I sent that last one too soon! I also wanted to say that I really hope you have supportive people there for you, whether online or in person. I really hope that when you get to university you feel safer to live as your true self and surround yourself with people who love you for you!

    Try and get as much sorted and organised in terms of support outside your family before you tell them, if you're worried about them not being supported. Remember to apply for disabled students allowance as well and search for any extra bursaries your university might offer.

  • SarahT41
    SarahT41 Scope Member Posts: 44 Contributor

    Also while you're still in London, you might like the look of this - and you might like Lucy's book "The View From Down Here".

    https://www.instagram.com/p/DBjh6wrIELk/
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 926 Championing

    @N826

    Going to university is a big step, and you absolutely deserve the chance to do it. It’s natural for parents to feel anxious when their child goes to university, but for parents of a child with a disability, it must be an extra worry. Try talking to your mum again, and it might help to share information from the university’s disability services to ease her concerns. Have you thought about attending one of the university's open days with your parents? You can meet the staff, talk to other students, and get a clearer idea of the support available. This could be a great way to ease your parent's fears and give them the chance to ask questions about the support that will be there for you if you should need it.

    Demonstrate that you’re taking responsibility for your future. Show them that you’ve thought about the logistics, from how you'll get to university to what support you'll need. If you’ve made any plans for accessible accommodation or researched support options, share this with them. Let them know why this is such an important opportunity for you and how it will help you grow and thrive. Explain how university will not only support your academic goals but also your personal development, independence, and future.

    I am sure your mum and dad are very proud of you, but parents of typical children without disabilities often get really worried and anxious when their children leave home for university for the first time. I clearly remember saying to my husband about our own son's, "Oh my goodness, how will they cope? Have you seen the state of his bedroom? He’s hopeless at managing money!" Guess what? They all survived, just like the thousands of other students before and after them, and it was the making of them. Your mum and dad’s fear of the unknown is compounded by your disability, but they also want to make sure their precious daughter is safe, supported, and thriving at university.

    Disability, in 2025, should not be an obstacle to achieving your goals, you absolutely can do this. It’s all about reassuring your parents along the way. I don’t believe they want to stand in your way, they just need to understand how important this is to you. While Mum may not have said well done or given you a hug when you received your offer, I am sure there will be a huge well done, filled with hugs, pride, and tears of joy on your graduation day. Congratulations on your offer! xx

  • N826
    N826 Scope Member Posts: 14 Listener
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/979889#Comment_979889

    thank you so much for this comment, it truly means everything to me

  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 926 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/980495#Comment_980495

    Please keep us informed on how everything progresses. We wish you the best of luck, and I am confident that you have a very bright future ahead. xx

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