Disappointed in peer support call 📞

lavenderfields

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I feel so alone, like things won’t get better and i’m never going to get the support I wish for. For context I was late diagnosed with autism last year, have generalised anxiety but mostly about social situations, depression with previous attemps and sh. I have done cbt before but thats it. I have no social life besides spending time with my mum and just begun living independently which is making me feel even more isolated and lonely.

I just had a phone call apparently with a support worker. I say ‘apparently’ because I was not impressed at all with our conversation. I was referred by the mental health team and psychiatrist after being prescribed yet another medication to try and help my anxiety and depression. I have been so nervous anticipating this call but now it’s over I feel so let down, dismissed, alone, angry.

Our call lasted 8 minutes and I was expecting 20-30mins at least. But perhaps I’ve got that wrong. I just thought we’d be getting to know each other but I’ve left the call knowing nothing about them in those 8 minutes. They first reached out to me by text and I responded asking for a call because I don’t actually know what peer support involves and how it can help me. I was expecting them to explain over our call but they didn’t.

At first I couldn’t really hear the person as their line was muffled. I repeated twice I couldn’t hear them well but even after that was cleared they were talking quite quietly and had an accent I couldn’t really place. Right away I got the impression by the way they were speaking and giggling after everything they DID say, that they themselves were socially awkward which was odd and for once I was being the assertive one.

I understand from previous quick google that peer support comes from people with lived experience so maybe I should’ve expected someone who might have anxiety and things themselves and not expect them to sound like a professional.

I’m used to people taking the lead especially professionals tend to speak over me sometimes. But this person wasn’t really saying much or leading the conversation at all. It was just me telling them a bit about my situation and them making those murmur sounds. Like I didn’t know how far to go and how long to keep talking for because they were silent. It just felt as though they weren’t engaging with me and it didn’t feel genuine. Because I got so caught up in being the one talking I never actually got the answer out of them about what they do and what peer support is. When they knew before our call that is something I wanted to know. They just didn’t say anything it was so odd. 8 minute call for what?

At the end they asked if I wanted to meet or chat online because I said I have a lot of anxiety and haven’t felt able to engage with other things. They didn’t explain what they meant by ‘meet’ and what for. Yes I should’ve asked them to explain but again surely they should be telling me this and explaining themselves when they say something?

We’ve pencilled in another chat and they said they would text me the details. I really don’t understand whats going on to be honest. They then ended the call abruptly as I’m waiting for them to tell me exactly who they are and what they can do to help me. I feel like i’ve just been left hanging its so odd

Is this how ‘peer supporters’ engage?

It hasn’t left me feeling optimistic, reassured, understood or confident in this person at all.

anisty

I don't know about peer supporters, i'm afraid but i suppose it's possible your peer supporter was a little nervous and unsure of what to say - maybe she has been trained not to take a lead in conversations so that you get the chance to say what you need?

I'm sure it would have been very annoying also if she had taken charge of the conversation, put words into your mouth and not given you much chance to put your points across.

She probably wants tobe more of a listener at first so she can properly hear what it is you need.

I think she deserves another chance for sure. Once you get to know each other, you might find you gel together all right.

anisty

By 'meet' i'm guessing that literally does mean meet for a chat - at your home or in a coffee shop maybe. Sometimes you know better if you like a person by seeing them face to face - just an extra way of getting to know someone.

You might find that seeing the person's face really helps you - she might just be a lovely, non confrontational, non threatening person full of smiles and warmth!

lavenderfields

@anisty I get what u mean when u say they may not have been saying much to let me say what I need but it just didn’t feel like I was talking to the right person if that makes sense. I forgot to add that I did say I’m not really sure what I want from them and I sent them a message beforehand asking them to explain what they can do to support me. After I said I wasn’t sure what I want/need, I had assumed they would then give me some suggestions after telling them what I struggle with. But I didn’t get that.

They also said they would text me to confirm our next call but they haven’t. I just don’t know where we going from here. There was no sort of follow on.

I will for sure give them another chance but for some reason I feel like they’re not gonna call.

lavenderfields

@anisty they weren’t telling me anything about themselves and I think thats why I feel uncertain and not sure about what I could get from them. After I was done telling them about some of my problems I didn’t know what to say and they weren’t saying anything back. I didn’t wanna go on and on either because I know they’re not a therapist. I thought we’d be getting to know each other

anisty

Hmmm @lavenderfields that does sound awkward indeed! Does the peer supporter drive? I think it might be a good idea next time to meet for a game of bowling or something like that - then it won't seem so awkward if there are silences.

Also being a passenger in a car can be a great place to talk as you don't have the face to face eye contact to do.

You could of course say directly to her that you struggle to initiate conversation so it would help you if she could do that. I don't think that would be at all rude to say that - it is common for autistic people to have difficulty starting conversations so she should know that already. And that it is easier to talk over a shared interest where you can skip the small talk - i just suggested bowling as it's easy to do, you can have one short game or buy more games if going well. And you're always breaking away to take your shot.

The big downside is that it is very expensive and some bowling places are out of town and need a car to get there. Early morning bowling is often cheaper.

Cinema is another - conversation about the film might flow easily after you have both seen the same film. Shared experiences like that can be a faster way to bond with someone.