Autistic teenagers late diagnosis

Sparrow8

Hello. My teenagers have both been recently diagnosed with autism, and my son with low attentive adhd too. They are 18 and 16 and it’s quite hard to take it all in.
My daughter has brilliant coping mechanisms and seems to be doing well but my son hardly leaves the house. He is often quite rude to me and his dad and his behaviour is quite depressing. So up and down.
I need to be able to motivate him or find some interests but am not sure how much to push him gently or leave him be?

Any advice appreciated.

anisty

Welcome! Ah yes your son is showing pretty typical behaviours - it's a tricky one as unfortunately clinical depression can be part of the asd picture and it's hard sometimes to know what is depression and what's asd shutdown.

All 5 of mine are asd i'm pretty sure but only 2 officially diagnosed.

My 26yr old son had lots of input from a young age and he will need life long support but is probably my most mentally sound one!

Quite possibly because he's been so well supported due to additional cognitive difficultues and all his life he's been hearing "well done!!" because our expectations were low and he has smashed them all so far - he even has a bit of supported but paid employment!

Our others are cognitively able but have suffered more with their mental health. My daughter is 18 later this year, took an overdose back in 2023 and we had her privately assessed for autism after CAMHS booted her out when she was practically catatonic!

Anyway - turned out to be autistic burnout. She has no self-harm history and the OD was more of a cry for help. She never did anything like it before or since and is much happier out of school and at college doing theatre stuff.

We have another son at home a bit similar to your son. He has been to uni and got a first class degree but has suffered bouts of depression and social anxiety. He was in a long term relationship that split in oct 23 and hasn't even tried to make a new relationship since. He is on anti depressants and goes to counselling. He does work but in an unskilled job. He seems to have lost all confidence to try for anything related to his software engineering degree.

He's older than your son (22) and not bad now he has to get up every day for work but he was nocturnal through uni. He lived away for the first 3 years of his course but came home the final year and has been here since (18months now)

Autistic teens are about 3 years behind their chronological age in terms of development. A romantic partner - when it goes well - is definitely the best thing. My eldest lad has always had partners from 16ish and now is is 28 with a wee daughter and long term girlfriend. The absolute making of him.

He says himself he'd have been a recluse without his partner. He has had a few relationships and is always happier with someone to support him a bit. And he is very loyal, loving and gentle which girls seem to like in him.

So if your boy shows any signs of getting together with anyone - male, female, similar age, much older - be happy for him and keep any negative thoughts to yourselves!!!

Online dating, far away partner in another country - it is all good!

If no sign of that yet, i think the most you can do is open his curtains of a morning and try to encourage normal hours. Although he is an adult (is he your 18?) he lives in your house so some rules are reasonable.

If he seems tired all the time, not eating, not showering, shaving, washing his clothes etc - these can indicate depression.

He might well need chill time alone and lots of it if stressed but he should be maintaining personal hygiene. That tends to slide when depressed.

Things like climbing centres are great for depression, anxiety and autism! If you have a climbing centre where your teens (and you parents if you have a head for heights!) can get harnessed up and climb at a centre it really is a great activity as it focuses the mind on the moment. Our kids had no experience at all and aren't sporty (all poor motor skills) but they got a lot out of it, especially my daughter with a head for heights.

Karting, indoor ski ing would also be something to try. And driving lessons too.

What's your lad doing education/work wise ?

Sparrow8

hello. You are so kind to reply, and obviously have a lot of experience. Thank you for sharing.
He’s at college three short days and is brilliant when in a routine. Gets up, washes etc. he always does his own clothes washing (very habitual and won’t mix with other washing). But the other days he won’t leave house. Goes from screen to screen. Eating what’s easy.
Not sure whether to leave him be, where he’s comfortable or push him more to get out of house when he’s freaked out and hates it.

anisty

I would leave him be for now if he's out 3 days/week. How can he manage to go to college if he freaks out being outside? Is it a specialist college for autism with door to door transport?

If he does well in specialist provision then you might want to look out other supported activities he can do on his non college days.

My disabled son is out almost every day because his social life is centred around the support group where everyone is autistic - obviously he gels with the people there well and has not got the demands of engaging with NT people.

But i'd go slowly for now as the 3 days are probably exhausting your boy and he needs re-charge time.

If, on the other hand, the freaking out is more of an agoraphobia or social anxiety type thing, a visit to the GP might be in order to see if something can be prescribed to take the edge off that and you might need some advice about the best way to proceed.

I haven't really got experience in my own kids with not wanting to go outside but i know 3 young people right here in my very small town who are now on full disability benefits because they are unable to leave the parental home at all due to severe anxiety. And there seems to have been no progress whatsoever. It is very sad. I think they probably all were ND but not sure on that.

If it's being disturbed from routine, could you introduce a new routine that doesn't take up his full day - friday night pizza night or something - would he go out for that or at least agree to get in your car, drive to takeaway and pick up a pizza to eat at home?

You know your lad best and that you have posted here shows me you are concerned but do remember teens do tend to sleep in late, be pretty monosyllabic and can spend a lot of time on screens these days!

That he keeps up with hygiene is great. And that he is motivated to do his washing and gets up for college. I think all that would slide if he were slipping into depression but i'm not a doctor.

Finally, there should be some strategies to help on the assessment report he had done - see what's suggested there and check out online resources too.

egister

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/987903#Comment_987903

He may also have some physical difficulties with mobility, so he avoids leaving the house. Find out the details.