Very intimate issue with carer! 😬

190219921983

I have very severe ME/CFS. I am 33 male, and 3 years ago was living a completely normal active fit and healthy life with no health conditions other than mild Aspergers, until covid gave me ME/CFS in 2022. Im so severe I havnt sat, walked or stood at all for over one year. I am spoon fed in bed, have very limited use of my hands and I can only speak for 10 seconds each hour. I have 3 regular PA carers (two female, one male) who are agency. One of the females is my age who started 6 months ago, she is the best carer, extremely caring and kind and we get on great. We had an arrangement whereby once a week during changing my shorts, she would do a private wash using flanel/soap/water in my bed. She would wash my ‘undercarriage’ and testicles as those areas are hard for me to reach, she would then pass me the flannel so I could wash my penis as it’s on top it’s much easier. I was finding during washing my penis, it was naturally stimulating some mild blood flow into the penis, causing it to become slightly larger, but certainly nowhere near a ‘semi’. I have been terrified of getting a full blown semi or worse, and her thinking I was turned on, so a few weeks ago during it, I said to her “im always so worried during this, in case something happens”. I was hoping she would reassure me and reply like “dont worry, I’ve seen it all before, its just natural, if it happens I will just ignore it and I know there’s nothing sexual”. Instead she remained silent, didnt reply and was acting very weird for the rest of that evening. Now i’ve been told female carers are no longer allowed to clean my genitals as one of the carers feels uncomfortable with it. Even worse, it appears they are withdrawing the 2 female carers to replace with 2 new males which is going to have a significant impact on my condition. I also get the impression the agency are looking to withdraw from me long-term. This feels grossly unfair, im being made to feel like im a dangerous sexual predator who can’t be trusted with females. Maybe she took my comment the wrong way, as Turkish is her first language? 

Ranald

Sorry for your situation mate, that could certainly be 'lost in translation'. Have you asked the care company for their reasons?

I can only go by what you have posted - "in case something happens" would possibly have been a poor choice of words on your part.

190219921983

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1012145#Comment_1012145

thanks. My parents have to do all communication with the care manager, and she wouldn’t tell them anything else. Its very embarrassing, but I think I’m going to have to tell my parents about this incident.

I did wonder if maybe she took it to mean I was hoping for something more to happen. Probably my Aspergers; I couldn’t think of a better way of wording my concern politely.

Ranald

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1012170#Comment_1012170

Based on the limited information , I think that Is what has happened; she thought you were asking her for something outwith her job description, to put it delicately!

Let's put this one down to experience. (I am still blushing about incidents in my life, many years later).

pay

hi i am Disabled and live in Brighton i get very frustrated about sex i do masturbating sometime but that don't work for me so i have too pay for sex which i don't like

Ranald

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1015990#Comment_1015990

I wouldn't like to do that either mate, for two reasons.

(i) It wouldn't be 'real' sex, just a business transaction.

(ii) I would hate to think I was exploiting someone like that, and that they were doing it against their will, with the money going to a pimp.

Richard_Scope

Hi @190219921983

This can be an awkward situation. Usually, care companies or agencies can only put these types of restrictions in place where there has been a history of inappropriate behaviour, and from what you have explained, this is not the case.

I would contact the care agency and try to provide evidence of how a change in your team will have a detrimental effect on you. If this is not taken seriously by the agency, then I would suggest that you speak to your social worker/care coordinator and Adult Social Care.

190219921983

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1016770#Comment_1016770

thank you so much. My parents now have a meeting with the Care manager booked to discuss.

Steve_in_The_City

I think if you are being cleaned in your intimate areas that the person who is cleaning you shouldn't be surprised if you get a little bit stiff (if you do). Your carer should have reassured you. I am cleaned in my intimate areas when I go into hospital. I don't get stiff but if I did I would expect the person cleaning me to turn a blind eye. I think this shouldn't be an issue for you; I think you were right to talk to your carer.

Slonvinton

Im a bit shocked she reacted as she did as part of her training should be reassuring you when you are feeling vulnerable or embarrassed etc. The fact you used the term worried should have been enough to make it clear what you meant.

I cant believe they didnt discuss this with you before changing your carer either it all seems very unprofessional.