Hen Weekend - feeling a burden as a wheelchair user?

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Hayls20
Hayls20 Online Community Member Posts: 45 Empowering
in Coffee lounge

Forgive the slight ramble but I've recently been asked to be part of my best friend's wedding, which includes the hen weekend. I'm a full time wheelchair user (the only disabled one in the group) and while the discussions are all around a party resort in Spain, I can't help but worry I'll be a burden if they're all looking to go to inaccessible clubs etc. I manage well and we've been friends for so long that they no longer see the chair as an issue and always adapt, but it's really got me considering whether it would just be easier if I let them go without me. I know they'd be disgusted at the thought, but does anyone else ever feel like this?

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  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 12,150 Championing

    Hi @Hayls20 Please do not feel a burden for using a wheelchair you are not. Your friend has asked you because she wants you to be there.

    You really must do what is best for you and if you would feel uncomfortable and worry they might be going to inaccessible clubs in Spain, then perhaps tell your friend Spain would be too much for you. You could suggest you have your own little party here with your friend as you do want to be part of her Celebrations.

    My daughter did not use a wheelchair until she was 22 and she lost some of her friends that did not understand she could not do what she did before. A couple of others stood by her and they did things she was able and comfortable doing.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

    Take care.

  • Hayls20
    Hayls20 Online Community Member Posts: 45 Empowering

    Thanks @Bluebell21 - it’s very rare I feel like this, I’m usually really headstrong but I just can’t help but feel I’ll be getting in the way of everyone else’s good time if they have to change plans. I think I just needed to verbalise / get it out instead of it all festering inside my own head 😅

  • SarahT41
    SarahT41 Scope Member Posts: 57 Contributor
    edited June 9

    Your friend knows that you're a wheelchair user, and she wants you there. She'd want you to speak up - some people just forget to think about access because they don't realise just how few places are accessible! Try and have a conversation just the two of you, and just be honest. Give her options if that makes you feel better. I get what you're feeling though, you don't want to feel like they're changing their plans just for you - but that's why it's best to speak up now, before any plans are made.

  • Hayls20
    Hayls20 Online Community Member Posts: 45 Empowering

    Thanks for this @SarahT41 - yeah that’s exactly it tbh! I know myself she’d be annoyed if I felt this way and didn’t speak up, I just don’t want to be a nuisance or them to feel like they have to work around me but you’re right, a chat between us is the way forward 👰🙌

  • SarahT41
    SarahT41 Scope Member Posts: 57 Contributor

    And I forgot to say @Hayls20 have fun!!

  • Hayls20
    Hayls20 Online Community Member Posts: 45 Empowering

    Thank you! She was there for me all throughout my pregnancy so I really want to show up for her properly, going to see her this weekend and be honest with her about the plans x

  • Wheeled_Weapon
    Wheeled_Weapon Online Community Member Posts: 378 Empowering

    Short story that may inspire you (although I am aware that every disability is different)

    I was bored with my mates, they're able-bodied fun sponges. So I booked a hotel in Leeds (85 miles from where I live) hopped on a train and spent the night in a dive bar until 5 in the morning getting absolutely hammered with people I literally just met that night.

    You're not a burden, I wasn't. I was the absolute life and soul.

    Just remember though, some drunk people are worse with their 'jokes' than sober people. So if you haven't got thick skin, borrow one just for that night 🤣

  • Hayls20
    Hayls20 Online Community Member Posts: 45 Empowering

    Thanks @Wheeled_Weapon - get me on that plane, hand me a wine and I'm sure the feelings will pass! If I hear 'oh have you a license for that thing' though…

  • Hayls20
    Hayls20 Online Community Member Posts: 45 Empowering

    Just wanted to thank everyone for their feedback/advice - I met up with the bride to be this weekend and you were all right - a conversation was all that was really needed. She said because we've known each other for so long and I just 'get on' with life, it's easy to forget that things are more difficult but we'll plan things together. Thank you all xx

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 12,150 Championing

    Great news @Hayls20

  • Ranald
    Ranald Online Community Member Posts: 1,405 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1035766#Comment_1035766

    People say that to me, but mostly, when I look at their face, i see sincerely or well meaning. People say all sorts of things without thinking how it might be received.

    I once asked a boy in a pub (years ago), who had a withered arm, if he "had that Thalidomide thing?"; I still cringe about it. I would never have been so insensitive when sober.

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