Overwhelmed by employing PA

axolotl

Hi there, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for adjusting to having a PA?

I've had a PA (via direct payments) since like the beginning of the year. We increased our contact hours gradually to give me time to adjust, but I'm having a really hard time with it. It's support that I've needed for a long time now, but I don't know how to handle it. In general, my mental health is very bad right now, so Im struggling more with these things.

They're a friend (not super close), but I still find spending time with people 1on1 really stressful (social anxiety and autism). When they come over, I often have to text them a list of jobs (like admin and house tasks) to do while I hide in my room - when I try to share space I'm filled with crushing anxiety and verbal shut down, like I can't breathe. I think it's related to my injury PTSD - I only feel like this when they're over in a PA context.

I find it very overwhelming to figure out what needs doing and set them on it. I keep miscommunicating about admin tasks, especially recurring ones, so things that I think I've handed over (like managing my UC) get missed. Sometimes I ask them to do something but forget to specify when so it doesn't get done. They're autistic too, and the miscommunications wouldn't be hard to sort out if I wasn't too anxious to think straight whenever they're around. Certain medical admin feels hard to hand over because I don't know what the next steps are.

I know we need a better system, but I have no idea of how to figure that out. Does anyone have anything that works for you?

I also have hours allocated to access the community + medical appointments, but whenever I go out with them I feel like I'm drowning, so I've been avoiding it when I can (aside from appointments). Part of it is there's only like 2 close friends that I feel comfortable with pushing my wheelchair. The less I can self propel (shoulder injuries), the more I need the help getting around. But the less independently mobile I am, the more vulnerable and under threat I feel getting mobility help from people. So I've not been getting out much recently.

My friends/housemates have started to get really frustrated with me that I have access to this support but I'm not using it properly. They see that I'm not coping with everyday life, but I'm avoiding sharing space and going out with my PA. Honestly I'm frustrated with myself too!

I know I need to get passed this so I can access my life, but I just can't seem to push through it. Does anyone have any advice?