Memories

Catherine21 · November 5

What are memories ? Abstracts of a place a time become a story of how it used to be sometimes I forget ive had a life I get caught in hours of ruminating a constant loop in my head songs voice not nice ones at that a constant kick in my stomach of anxiety today I listened to music and tried to remember a time I was ever truly happy when was the last time I went out socialising how isolation was the only way to protect myself how the world has noting to offer me how I feel letdown by my mind how ive been shaped into this person and no matter how many times I tried to break free tried to fit into society it just kicked me straight back down how I want to live a happy life but how scared I am to break my armour I was listening to radio head im a creep and it pretty sumed it all up

Kookee · November 6

Sending you hugs @Catherine21 I can relate as I have a busy mind and feel like I don’t fit into society. I don’t socialise anymore and my anxiety is always there to some extent. I can’t feel bad or guilty for that now, it’s not my choice I’m like this and I am not broken. I am just me and that’s enough.

I think memories are odd. They’re not real or accurate, they’re just the mind making judgements about something that happened once. I think the mind is totally unreliable and a complete nuisance to be honest. Well mine is anyway.

Catherine21 · November 6

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1081206#Comment_1081206

Ive always had such a vivid mind its unreal never stops how are you

StarryEyed · November 6

Hi @Catherine21 and @Kookee

I get caught up in ruminating too, and weird thinking, which is why I do a lot of meditation, to slow it down and to find some clarity in the noise. Sometimes my thoughts are not helpful even in slow mo. Meditation helps that too, to just learn to distance myself from the unhelpful chatter. Also camomile tea is a Godsend in slowing down the thinking. I buy it with anise to give it some flavour. Otherwise it's nasty.

Oh, and I think I told you @Kookee about the bilateral music that helps calm down my thoughts. @Catherine21 maybe you'd like to try this? You need to listen to it with a headset or earbuds. Like you, @Kookee , I've learned to accept that I'm an untraditional thinker and feeler. It's okay to be different. Just as it's okay to be in the majority. So here's a great playlist for bilateral music...

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_lckpq2WE4J8tXZ3bwSd-YMp2GHCgH7u8A&si=dGMs-fxO1PsCUYS8

Kookee · November 6

Hi @Catherine21 I'm okay thanks. I’m just recovering from complete burnout so exhausted a lot. How are you feeling?

Hi @StarryEyed yes I agree about meditation. It sounds like a cliche but it’s honestly changed my life. I now see how everything is temporary, all the thoughts just come and go. I mean I still get carried away a lot but I don’t tend to fight it now and know it’s all just a bunch of conditioning, it’s not true, it’s not me. And thinking I shouldn’t be thinking this is just another thought! It’s funny because the thoughts seem so powerful at times but then you wake up the next day and you can’t even remember what you were thinking about…

Amberpearl · November 7

I have lots of memories from early childhood when I lived with my parents in Rotherham

Hated school I was bullied

Catherine21 · November 7

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1081415#Comment_1081415

Awful how childhood memories shapes us

Chris75_ · November 7

How can we allow childhood memories to define us? I blocked those days out a long time ago.

Catherine21 · November 7

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1081523#Comment_1081523

OOh good for you ..

.

Chris75_ · November 7

I don't know how good for me it is, but it surely beats perpetual picking over the bones.

Rosie_Scope · November 7

Childhood memories and trauma can be a huge part of who you are as an adult. Not everyone will have the same response to things from long ago, and that's okay.

Some people will find it feels right for them to block stuff out and others might need to talk about it to help them understand themselves.

My personal experience is that if I bottle stuff up it comes out eventually in some form! I'm definitely still affected by the things that happened to me as a child and it has changed my identity somewhat. I've learned that for me, I need to chat about it sometimes or I start feeling it in other ways. But I know that's just me as one person and some might not agree!

I think it's important to try and have empathy for each other even if you don't have the same life experiences or approaches. What works for one won't for another, each to their own and all that ☺️

StarryEyed · November 7

@Kookee what words of wisdom you share here. Beautiful. The idea that what you think may not be true can be liberating. As is the idea that what you feel may not be true. Ironically, it can be very grounding to not believe in your feelings or thoughts, or to learn to take them with a grain of salt. But this is typically achieved after being very unsettled by these ideas. Sometimes we need confusion to find peace. I liken it to going to get your hair permed or coloured at the salon. They typically make you dreadfully ugly during the process to make you beautiful. Such is most therapies - you often have to through tough stuff to find peace.

I've been in and out of therapy, depending on my situation. Right now I'm knee deep due to my immobility disability that triggers my trauma situations. But there are so many wonderful therapeutic options now that it's not as brutal as it used to be. But I do wish it would be over and done with already. Therapy often feels like a game of whack-a-mole, like I'm in a hamster wheel, like I'm down a bottomless pit of a rabbit hole, like I'm going through an infinite number of onion layers.... Anyway.... There it is.... And I press on because my alternatives are to numb out, implode or explode. Caught between a rock and a hard place. Again.

Kookee · November 7

@StarryEyed I agree. I find, in my experience anyway, that the things that need resolving, accepting, analysing etc. always come up to bite you on your bum and you have to raise your quilt cover and have a look at the monster in question. You may be brave and throw back that quilt and tackle it head on, or take a little peek, take it slow, coax it out. But you can’t just shut your eyes and bat it away as it’ll only scuttle off for a while before it’s back nipping you harder!

I’m glad you’re feeling therapy is better now. I also wonder about the seeming endlessness of experiences that need a light shining on them. I’m not in therapy at the moment but am waiting. I’m worried about opening up the proverbial can of worms or indulging in things that just need to be seen and let go. I wonder if meditation, art, journaling, poetry, somatic exercises etc. may be enough for me. I’m not good at talking in all honesty and previous therapies have been ok but nothing really felt resolved. I’ll see how I feel when the appointment arrives. Good luck on your journey! I love your hairdresser analogy btw ❤️

@Rosie_Scope love your reply too 😊

@Chris75_ if it works for you then that’s great.