Advice please

andy2626

Hi, some advice would be much appreciated on my grandsons behaviour. He's only seven and since his parents split up has become prone to extremely violent and destructive behaviour. His mother, my daughter is literally covered in bruises from trying to restrain him. His language is almost demonic, no holds barred. It's almost as if he's in some kind of trance. Then, when he calms down - which could be hours later, he reverts to his normal, compliant and childlike self, yet acts as if nothing has happened. No acknowledgement, apology or anything.

These fits can be triggered by the slightest frustration. He's generally very demanding and hyperactive, very intelligent but shows little compassion for anyone - at least not demonstrably. Social services are involved and have only made matters worse.

These are not normal tantrums. I have 5 smashed windows to prove it. How do we get him assessed. ? NHS are useless. Private sector is ridiculously expensive.

Can anyone suggest anything, please?

MW123

@andy2626 Firstly welcome to the community.

I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but describing a young child’s behaviour as “demonic” really isn’t helpful. Even the most extreme outbursts in small children aren’t about malice. They’re usually signs of fear, insecurity or emotional overload.

When someone important suddenly disappears from their daily life, it can shake their whole sense of safety. Children don’t have the emotional tools to cope with that, so the feelings come out in very physical and overwhelming ways.

I went through something similar with my own son back in 1990 when his dad was working abroad. Even though I tried to keep everything stable, he still felt as if someone had been taken out of his world. He couldn’t express that fear, so it came out in ways that were very hard to manage.

My American cousins understood it better than anyone here at the time. They helped me see his behaviour as distress rather than anger, and they encouraged counselling. That was unusual in the UK in 1990, but it helped us understand what was really going on underneath the behaviour.

We also found that giving him a safe outlet for all that pent up energy made a difference. Rugby gave him structure, confidence and a healthy way to release tension.

From what you’ve described, your family may need to look at other options for support. When a child is this overwhelmed, it’s not something a parent can manage alone. Sometimes professional help is the safest and kindest way forward for everyone.

I really do understand how hard this is. No family expects to face something like this, and it can feel frightening and isolating. But children are incredibly resilient with the right support around them.

Things can get better, and your grandson can learn healthier ways to cope. You all clearly love him dearly, and sometimes the answers lie outside what any of us would normally expect.

Patience and time brought my own eight‑year‑old son back to himself when I was at the end of my tether, and I truly believe there is hope for your family too.

Chris75_

"His language is almost demonic"

@andy2626 I don't see anything wrong with your choice of words. To me, you haven't implied any malice in the lad's actions.

The adjective 'demonic', it meant to me, that his language can be cruel when he is kicking off?

andy2626

Thank you for your replies. I understand that maybe the term 'demonic' is not helpful in a clinical sense but I honestly struggle to find abstract terms like ADHD or such in any way helpful. His outbursts are highly vindictive, targeted and would be shocking even coming from a particularly disturbed and malicious adult. He has expressed to me on more than one occasion that I "couldn't even keep my brother or my son alive" - my brother died of pneumonia a year ago today and my son was still born years ago. Along with other, equally distressing remarks. So I don't use the term 'demonic' lightly. I am totally at a loss as to how to help him. His sister, by the way, who's only eight, is the complete opposite in temperament, she even apologises for his behaviour. So I don't think the family situation is the only factor in this.

MW123

@andy2626

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. Grief sits very close to the surface, and hearing those words from your grandson must have hurt deeply.

What you have shared resonates with me. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I went through something similar with my own son years ago, and I remember how overwhelming it felt. Back then people didn’t always understand emotional distress or separation anxiety in children, and we had to find our own way through it. I simply couldn’t believe that a child could suddenly become someone I didn’t recognise, and I wasn’t prepared to just wait and hope he would grow out of it, as was suggested by medical professionals back then.

When I finally found a child psychologist for my son it made a huge difference, not only for him but for his two older and three younger brothers who were often affected by his outbursts at home. Perhaps in the new year your daughter could look into the support services available to help her son. I understand schools can make referrals, if they are not helpful she should perhaps speak with her son’s GP for an urgent referral.

A child’s distress often has several layers, and it can stem from a combination of factors that aren’t always obvious until a professional has taken a proper look. I learned that years ago with my own son. It isn’t a reflection on the home or on anyone’s parenting. Children experience the world differently from us, and sometimes they need extra support to help them understand and manage those overwhelming emotions.

I know it feels overwhelming and emotional for you all. Nobody expects to face something like this with their own child, and it is a lot for any family to cope with. I really hope the right support can be put in place for your grandson and your family, and that things will begin to settle down.

andy2626

Thank you, again, for your encouraging words. I think it's critical in these uncertain times that issues around mental health - especially with children - are addressed as a priority. It's dangerous, I feel, to allow them to become 'normalised' in any way - either socially or on a more personal level. After 10 months dealing with my grandson, I recognise that a certain acceptance is creeping in. It becomes a matter of 'coping' rather than resolving because nothing you do seems to work. These things can become generational and just one suffering grandson now can mean countless problems to many more people in the future. Talking to others with similar experiences helps a lot, thank you.

Catherine21

Its so hard this triggered me into thinking I was a very unhappy child I used to get rages and say things that I couldn't take back id be left feelijg shame for my actions I didnt know it was undiagnosed adhd autism I was labelled bad trouble maker its so hard for your grandson and yourself is thier anyone your grandson listens too someone he can talk to that he feels comfortable space sometimes its hard talking to family as so many emotions