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Having problems with my daughter

jogoody Community member Posts: 2 Listener
Hello. My name is Jo and I am having problems with my 22 year old daughter who has learning difficulties and I am hoping this forum may be able to help me. She has mild learning difficulties. She is a child in an adults body. She does not work and has no friends to speak of but she is on her phone and online all the time, taking to boys, meeting them, having sex, sending dirty pictures etc... she knows it is wrong, but wants the attention. What can I do? Does anyone else have this problem?


  • Alex
    Alex Posts: 1,304 Pioneering
    Hi @jogoody

    Welcome to the community. I've moved your post into the "ask a sex and relationships expert" category, as I'm sure @PSHEexpert will be able to provide some support with your situation.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Community member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hello!  This is something that I work with an awful lot in my day job (PSHE lead at a specialist college for young people with disabilities aged 16-25).  In some ways I think it's a bit of a sign of the times; there is certainly a shift I think in how young people communicate and how they expect to make intimate connections, and that's true across the board (mainstream/SEN).  There's also the age old problem that what we see as risky, younger people see as normal, acceptable, fun, however - and that makes it very hard to change their minds. Having said that (as I know it's a nightmare and a real worry), I think there's some good resources out there that can support with trying to make the risks 'real' and open up positive  discussions around that.

    First of all, although I realise she's 22, I still recommend some of the CEOP resources as a starting point, in particular the 'Exposed' film, which is about sending intimate photos.  The young lady in it is supposed to be in her last year of school, but looks very grown up and I don't usually have a problem with them identifying with her.  You can find all their films on their YouTube channel:

    The kind of conversations and discussions I find are helpful in this sort of situation tend to be less about focusing directly on the bits that I know are really risky (as let's face it, if someone tells you not to do something you like, or talks about it being really negative, you're more likely to want to do it or get fixated on it), and more about exploring the person's expectations of and hopes for whatever kind of experience they are looking for, whether that's sex, a relationship, etc.  I find this often uncovers quite a wonky understanding of what relationships really mean and what a significant one of a really positive nature can bring into their lives.  So we talk about what's important to them (quality wise), and what's special about them that they would be giving to the other person, etc.  We do activities like 'relationship stepping stones', where we try to work out all the different steps that people go through on their way to building a trusting and positive intimate relationship.  It's often this kind of thing that allows us to 'spot the difference' between face to face and online/virtual relationships and that can help with identifying risks a bit more.

    I will be upfront though and say that I think the most effective kind of work around this happens in facilitated group work with peers, as they are able to normalise feelings and situations and it helps to hear experiences of others, too.  Is there any opportunity for this sort of thing to be tackled in that way for your daughter?  I know you say she doesn't work; does she attend any social provisions or groups?  Would there be scope for them to do some work like this?

    - Gill 
  • jogoody
    jogoody Community member Posts: 2 Listener
    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I had a long talk with my daughter this afternoon and she knows what she is doing is wrong but says she does it as she has nothing else to do. She gets attention this way and it is an adrenaline rush for her.  The people she interacts with are.... sorry to be so politically incorrect.... but they are the type of people you would see on the Jeremy Kyle show... and not the type of people that are at all suitable. I told her she must have self respect and that she is worthy of so much more...and that she will get a terrible reputation. I hope that she is telling me the truth when she says she will stop, but I can't monitor her FB and phone activity so I will have to trust her. 

    There are no groups where we are, and no help either. She would have a problem holding down a job and although I did go to the job centre, they were no help at all. She needs to have some purpose in life, something to occupy her. I have suggested helping out in a charity shop or suchlike, but she is not keen.....but thank you so much for your time. Hopefully she will change after our talk. 
  • Nauman
    Nauman Community member Posts: 5 Listener
    Yes it's fact that parents can't have an eye on fb and other social media 
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