I love my son but sometimes it's very hard to like him — Scope | Disability forum
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I love my son but sometimes it's very hard to like him

Ilovemykids1997
Ilovemykids1997 Member Posts: 2 Listener
Hi my name is Helen and I am the mum to my wonderful son who is currently being tested for ADHD and anxiety. I love my son but sometimes it's very hard to like him

Comments

  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,682 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Ilovemykids1997 welcome to the community! 

    Parenting is hard work sometimes and I think talking to other parents can really help you feel less alone.  Have you looked through the Parents and Carers category?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • Costah
    Costah Member Posts: 2 Listener
    You are not alone! My son has autism. As his understanding increases so do the unwanted behaviours - which are hard to deal with. 
  • Ilovemykids1997
    Ilovemykids1997 Member Posts: 2 Listener
    It's hard isn't it. What makes it more difficult is my son is also one of my carers I have physical and mental health issues so he's under a lot of pressure which I feel so responsible for
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
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  • Costah
    Costah Member Posts: 2 Listener
    Yes well put. I agree it is difficult for children and carers alike. Every behaviour has a reason. Thanks for your post. 
  • wenlock
    wenlock Member Posts: 9 Listener
    I understand where you are at right now, my son is 16yrs old with ADHD and with age it has gotten worse not better. My son is taller than me and he is very intimidating when he has his melt downs, he has fronted up to me and pushed me. I cry almost every day, I prey for a 'normal' relationship with my son but feel I am all alone. There is no emotional support for parents and I am in the process of setting up a local support group for parents with children that have ADHD. Daily life is a struggle for me and I'm sure for you too, keep talking that's the key....it helps. 
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
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  • wenlock
    wenlock Member Posts: 9 Listener
    I know that we all have different views on what is 'normal' but I don't treat my son as a violent individual nor do I  label him as violent and I am pretty calm around him so watching him and being on the other end of his outbursts are distressing for myself and my son and his outbursts are not  because he is labelled 'violent' but purely because he cannot cope with his feelings and being told 'No'. I know this condition is not much fun for my son either. I think there should be more support and information for parents and patients with ADHD. 
    I am sure you have a different view on this but being on the other end of violence whether it be due to ADHD or otherwise you will always look at how you can make things better.....plus...if you caused it!! I always look at how I can make things easier or make the situation better for my son. 
    I get it...treat an individual as violent and they will be violent, this is not always the case. 
  • wildlife
    wildlife Member Posts: 1,308 Pioneering
    Hi All, Just to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. My son had terrible meltdowns when he was younger. He was never properly diagnosed but he had all the classic symptoms of ADHD in his younger years. He couldn't sit down or concentrate at school and never took his GCSE's. He got expelled and we didn't have any help with his behaviour. He was uncontrollable from about aged 9 to 20 when we went through the failure of a family business. Seeing our struggles and being part of that he completely changed. He is 36 now and has a lovely partner and we have an adorable grandson. He has a good job and has been promoted twice in 5 years. There are still minor things like lack of respect for rules and lack of social awareness and the temper is still there but now well under control. I have an amazing relationship with him and being his adoptive Mother that is very special. I chatted to him yesterday by phone for an hour all about my problems, not his. Because of his past he is far more loving, caring and understanding. So hang on in there and know that it needn't last for ever..x  
  • wenlock
    wenlock Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Dear wildlife 
    Thats lovely to hear and I'm really pleased you have a wonderful relationship with your son. I really hope me and my son have a good relationship one day.....I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but it looks dark right now, I'm forever hopeful though. 
  • wildlife
    wildlife Member Posts: 1,308 Pioneering
    @wenlock You sound like an amazing parent. We had some awful times as we had 2 adopted sons who both had behaviour issues sometimes at the same time. You mention being calm. My hubby is a lovely man but his reaction to this behaviour was to lose his cool so there was I thinking I've got to stay calm as I'm the only one who can. I can't describe all the scenes I witnessed but they wouldn't be out of place in a violent horror movie. On top of all that I was ill most of the time and had a chronic sleep problem. After several road accidents one really bad I now have loads of phobias the worst is a feeling of being trapped whenever I can't escape even in a situation I should be enjoying. I'm telling you this so you remember to think about yourself and how your son's problems are affecting you as well as looking at things from his perspective so you don't end up like me. My world is very limited as I have to feel safe which means I can't travel out of my comfort zone and prefer to be at home. I'm due to be assessed soon for PTSD after many years of trying to get the help I need. So do look after yourself...X
  • joannarashelle
    joannarashelle Member Posts: 135 Pioneering
    Hi to all who've posted on here I've just read the post,
    just having a place to say how we feel without being judged is so important; its difficult to remember that people with neurological conditions such as Autism Aspergers ADHD etc think differently to those without these conditions, neither can ever know what or how the other thinks or why they behave in the way they do, as the brain of both types of people is wired so differently, One can never completely understand the other but try to be compassionate and kind to ourselves as @wildlife suggested this is so essential, @Ilovemykids1997 I hope the posts on here have helped you and that you've seen you're not alone don't ever feel alone there are people that should and will support you, ask the relevant advisors on here how you can get practical support aswell as for your own well being, @wenlock I feel for you I can't imagine how frightening it must be to have your son who you love and care for intimidate you, everything @wildlife said I agree with every word, they mention looking after yourself we often forget our own needs so wrapped up in life's stresses and events are we, make sure you have time for yourself all the usual stuff healthy eating plenty of sleep blah blah I know but your own wellbeing is essential you're going through stress and trauma and as @wildlife said it can have an effect on you without you realising, later down the road. 
    We think we're coping and we do cope goodness knows how, to feel threatened and intimidated by those we love takes it's toll on us in lots of ways, you won't realise it at the time but stress will build up, try your hardest to find support in your area go online and research where you can get help both practically and emotionally, it can be wearing I know, to keep asking for help and trying to explain what areas you need support in, but don't give up, there IS support out there, even just chatting on here with others will help just voicing your stresses and strains, trust me I know, I suffered in silence for a long long time thinking things that I went through I had to grin and bear, it took a toll on my mental health no surprise there, but you don't realise it til it happens. 
    Our mental health is vital to our well being, we have to give it a break now and then, be kind to ourselves. 

    Love Joanna (ptsd social anxiety and on the spectrum) 

    xxx
  • wenlock
    wenlock Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Dear wildlife 

    I understand what you say about looking after yourself as I've been on antidepressants for 12yrs and have now been diagnosed with a blood disorder. My marriage broke down partly because of my sons behaviour and we ended up divorcing. I now have a very supportive partner but he has little patience nowadays which makes home life difficult. I feel torn because although I love my son I really dislike him at the same time, plus when my partner has a go at him I feel he goes too far/hard on him but I know my son has to be disciplined and not left to run riot. I feel there is no support groups for parents that have children with ADHD, having someone to talk to and to give advice would really benefit. I've felt sad and empty, I feel I'm not a good mum...I feel useless!!
    our whole family unit takes a beating and I feel alone!!
  • wildlife
    wildlife Member Posts: 1,308 Pioneering
    edited August 2017
    1. @wenlock Sorry about the 1. I must have pressed something on my new tablet and can't get rid of it. From what you have said I imagine your particular family unit is difficult as your current partner is not your son's birth father and your son will see him as coming between you and him and so jealousy may be involved here. Was there a period of time when you and your son were alone before a new man came along? Also you and your partner seem to have a different way of disciplining your son whereas you need to be on the same page. I cannot advise how to control aggressive behaviour except to say I don't believe being heavy handed and using methods that would work with children who are not disabled are the way forward with a 16 year old boy with ADHD. My eldest son just fought back. If we tried to ground him he jumped out of a window and was off. Real aggression ended with MOH holding either of them down on the floor to restrain them and ringing for the police to come. They would take whichever one was playing up at the time and keep him overnight till he calmed down. It sound awful now but particularly when alcohol was involved it was the only thing we could do. Looking back the next 4 years may be the worst for you as your son matures and testosterone is running wild. I do think if you can come to some agreement with your partner about how to deal with the aggressive behaviour that would help. Maybe get some expert help. Your son might benefit from outside help if he doesn't already have some, someone he can talk to about how he feels? Do hope you can sort something out to improve things, 
  • joannarashelle
    joannarashelle Member Posts: 135 Pioneering
    @wenlock and @wildlife I hope my comments were helpful to you both, 

    best wishes x 
  • zzzsmokeyzzz
    zzzsmokeyzzz Member Posts: 6 Listener
    I can %100 relate. Sometimes it's very hard but it usually, very slowly and in small micro steps, it gets better.
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