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My daughter gets sent out of lessons at school. Does anyone know why, and how to stop it?

hollydemmen Community member Posts: 1 Listener
edited July 2017 in Education
My daughter is 14 years old (year 9). I have been told by here teachers that she is always late to lesson, has trouble concentration, gets sent out of her lessons, and walks out of her lessons. She Is withdrawing herself from myself and my husband. She is only talking to one teacher at school, but wont talk to me. I sat her down and tried to talk to her about it but she said she doesn't know why she is doing it and that there is something going on in her head.
Does anyone know why she is doing this and how to stop it?


  • Liam_Alumni
    Liam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 1,100 Pioneering
    Hi @hollydemmen,

    Welcome to Scope's online community.

    I've moved this post to our Ask an Educational Psychologist category, where our advisor Hannah @EducationalPsychologist may be able to advise.

    I hope this helps. If you have any other questions, please do get in touch.
  • gnmeads
    gnmeads Community member Posts: 187 Pioneering
    Hi welcome to the scope community.
    That sounds like something along the autism spectrum to me. My 15 year old son can be the same. As LiamO_Dell said I think you should speak to someone in the Ask an Educational Psychologist category though
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,665 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @hollydemmen does your daughter have any diagnosis?

    I also have teenagers and I think that it can be a really tough time for them (and for us as parents!!) She seems like she has something bothering her but that can be really difficult to open up about when you are 14. 

    There is some advice on the NHS website here:

    Getting teenagers to talk openly about what's bothering them can be hard. Follow these tips to help get them talking to you about their worries.
    1. Ask, don't judge
    Start by assuming they have a good reason for doing what they do. Show them you respect their intelligence and are curious about the choices they've made.
    If you don't pre-judge their behaviour as "stupid" or "wrong", they're more likely to open up and explain why their actions made sense to them.  
    2. Ask, don't assume or accuse
    Don't assume that you know what's wrong. Rather than asking "Are you being bullied?", try saying "I've been worried about you. You don't seem your usual self, and I wondered what's going on with you at the moment? Is there anything I can help with?".
    3. Be clear you want to help
    If you suspect your child is using drugs or drinking excessively, be gentle but direct. Ask them, and let them know that you'll help them through any of their difficulties.
    4. Be honest yourself
    Teenagers will criticise you if you don't follow your own advice. If you drink too much alcohol yourself, for example, they're likely to mention it ("You can't talk!"). Make sure you're acting responsibly yourself.
    5. Help them think for themselves
    Instead of trying to be the expert on your teenager's life, try to help them think for themselves:
    • Discuss the potential implications of poor behaviour choices.For example, "How does smoking dope make you feel the next day? So, if you feel like that, how's that going to affect you playing football?"
    • Help them think critically about what they see and hear. "So Paul said X: is that what you think?"
    • Help them feel that they can deal with life's challenges. Remind them of what they're good at and what you like about them. This will give them confidence in other areas of their lives.
    • Information is empowering. Point them towards websites that can give them information on drugs, sex and smoking so they can read the facts and make up their own minds.
    • Help them think of ways they can respond and cope. "So, when you feel like that, is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better?"
    • Encourage them to think through the pros and cons of their behaviour.
    6. Pick your battles
    If they only ever hear nagging from you, they'll stop listening. Overlooking minor issues, such as the clothes they wear, may mean you're still talking to each other when you need to negotiate – or stand firm – with them on bigger issues, such as drugs and sex.
    7. If they get angry, try not to react
    Teenagers often hit out at the people they most love and trust, not because they hate you, but because they feel confused.
    Don't think that they mean the bad things they say ("I hate you!"). They may just feel confused, angry, upset, lost or hormonal, and they don't know how to express it.
    8. Help them feel safe
    Teenagers often worry that telling an adult will just make things worse. You need to be clear that you want to help them and won't do anything they don't want you to.
    This may be particularly important with bullying. If your child opens up to you about bullying, explain that it isn't acceptable. Listen to their fears and reassure them it's not their fault.
    Help build up their confidence by reassuring them that you'll face the problem together.
    9. Avoid asking questions they won't answer
    Sometimes you'll find out more about your teenager if you ask open questions. If they have an eating disorder, for example, asking confrontational questions like "What did you eat for lunch?" or "Have you made yourself sick?" may mean you get a dishonest answer.
    Sticking to open questions such as "How are you?" or "How has your day been?" helps your teenager talk to you about how they're feeling.
    Senior online community officer
  • EducationalPsychologist
    EducationalPsychologist Community member Posts: 118 Courageous
    There are all sorts of reasons why children show the behaviours you have described in your daughter. I recommend contacting the school and insisting on a meeting with school SENDCo or Inclusion Coordinator. These are all questions that need to be asked and discussed with school as they are responsible for putting an action plan in place. If they cannot answer the why questions then they need to find out, either through their own assessments or through referrals to external agencies. Until you understand why, you won't know what is the best way to help.
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