Dating and relationships
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Dating and CP

RSW665RSW665 Member Posts: 14 Listener
edited July 2017 in Dating and relationships
Hello, I'm writing this to get something off my chest. I have Cerebral Palsy, I'm good looking and a number of women have found me attractive but if I hear "it's a shame he's in a wheelchair" once more in my life I will scream. I have said that I receive 24 hour care but that it's not hands on 24hours a day I think this puts women off. I have joined online dating sites, it feels as if it's me against the world sometimes. I'm hoping I can talk to someone on here who knows something about how this feels. I'm putting everything into my life and getting nothing back.
Thank you for reading this.
Richard

Replies

  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @RSW665 welcome to the community, thanks so much for joining us and talking about this.  I am not a wheelchair user so I know I cant understand how that feels, but I can imagine it isnt nice to hear things like that.

    Did you see the guy on First Dates this week? He had CP and was saying a similar thing to you.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • RSW665RSW665 Member Posts: 14 Listener
    Thanks for listening. I think the Scope community will be a place where I can share my experiences and receive empathy not just sympathy, Thankyou for the link it´s strangely comforting to know I´m not the only one.
  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    Hi @RSW665

    I would not give up so easily. 
    There is plenty people on the wheelchairs who have normal not to say better life. 
    You  just need to be patient and found the woman who will see your soul first. 
    To be honest normal healthy man can become nightmare in woman life sometimes. 
    Follow Nick Vujicic on social media or read his book. His wife is pregnant with twince and they have already 2 children. 
    So if the luck smile to him once in life it will smile to you to. 
    Just believe in it. 

    Iza 


  • RSW665RSW665 Member Posts: 14 Listener
    I have spent all my life battling with a voice in my head telling me to give up, but I never have. I think it's time for my admirers to start believing in me.
  • mossycowmossycow Member Posts: 495 Pioneering
    (I'm married but) It wouldn't stop me fancying you and dating you and going where the relationship led.... Sounds like so far you've only met arseholes.. ... 

    It's so cheesy but so true to day that there's people out there for everyone. Be patient, do things you enjoy whilst meeting new people. I'm married now but felt like I'd never meet anyone, (as an able bodied gal and a wheelchair using gal). 

    Think of the CP as a filter... If they can't get over that small part of your life would you really want a relationship with them? Maybe scope needs a dating app..... 

    "I'm trying to live like a random poem I read that ended 'to bloom where we are planted"

  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    Hi @mossycow
    I totally agree with you especially with a dating site application idea. 
    As long as it will be administrated and monitor by trusted people. 
    I think it will be nice for people to find the soul mate. 

    Iza
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    I have exactly the same problem people say how nice looking I am, but the wheelchair is always in the way at 32 I have never had a date or girlfriend I understand why would they want me when they can have a guy that walks etc
  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    I think gentlemen you need a bit of motivation and self believe here. 
    I do not know how other women thinks but for me the most important is to be understood. (I think you can do this despite disability.) I been for 15 years in relationship with man (artist) and found that life is a matter of compromising things. 
    But two people need to will to compromise  together. If the woman compromised for the sake of love for 15 years than something is wrong. In true love you need to be ready to see the other half as well instead seeing yourself constantly. 

    Have you ever thought that the guys who walk can be the bigger "boys style" men who cannot even make their own decisions about any single aspect of life.?! 
    Women like men who knows how to act and stay firm with their decision no matter how they move ( walk on 2 or in chair) . 

    It is a men role in life to make first steps to introduce himself so gentleman be brave and act in name of love. 
    Greetings 

    Iza 


  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    If only it was that easy the facts are very few wheelchair users are in relationships. Yes there maybe a few women out there who would take on a wheelchair user but believe me they are very few and far between!
  • RSW665RSW665 Member Posts: 14 Listener
    The honest fact is I do have the confidence to make the first move if I find a women attractive, there is nothing I could do differently.
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I don't like to contradict you but there are always ways to do things differently. For a start it seems that you are always aiming at healthy women and not considering others. I asked my ex-partner why women might be afraid of dating someone in a wheelchair and her answer was that it's difficult to decide in what way they are restricted. For a young woman the idea of having children at some point is important but you can't really wear a label saying that you could be a father, etc. etc.

    Have a think about what limitations in a woman you could cope with and then reverse apply that to the women you approach. Maybe you will see a better way forward.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Hi topkitten I think you are missing the point, no matter what we do women  dont want us! That is the cruel facts, we see friends marry, drive cars, get jobs etc. All these things are beyond us, people say do other things! But what? People say, there's always someone, but where and how?we sit on the fence watching others living a life that we can only dream about, that's what it's like being stuck in a wheelchair
  • MarkmywordsMarkmywords Member Posts: 421 Pioneering
    It's not just women making those judgements, nor is it just about the wheelchair users @kenny.
  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    edited July 2017
    Hi as I am woman here and like taking a voice in discussion than I have a challenge to see how brave you are in describing your "Dream Woman". 
    Please take a moment or  two and look deeply inside you, take paper and write dawn about the woman you would like to meet in your life. 
    Prioritises what is the most important for you and than share. 
    You need to say sometimes things loudly so Universe can work it out for you. 
    Awaiting to see you how the discussion will continue. 
    Have a great day. 
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Can I ask? Are you only looking for a non-disabled partner? 
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Yes ideally I would like a non disabled partner I don't seem to meet either disabled or non disabled!
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Why would you like a non disabled partner?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    I suppose its the longing to be like every one else, its obvious from posts on here that friendships, relationships, having companions is something most disabled people, especially wheelchair users, long to have, but very few of us achieve this. I was once on a psychiatric ward when the doctors noted the reasons for my illness,no sex life, no job, never be able to drive, always depend on others for care no friends, unable to perform so many simple tasks, and he wondered what there was in this life for me, he was unable to give any solution
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    I have quite a few friends who are wheelchair users who are in relationships so I don't think that its right to say that very few people achieve this.  I wonder what the statistics would be on this?

    I am married (therefore my non-disabled husband has a disabled wife) but were I not, I can honestly say that a person's impairment wouldnt be part of the decision making process of whether I wanted to be with someone.

    I find it really interesting that you are looking for a non disabled partner, maybe you are missing out on some awesome people by not considering a disabled partner?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • RSW665RSW665 Member Posts: 14 Listener
    I don't expect to meet the "the perfect woman" as I don't think this is a realistic expectation. I would look at both disabled and non-disabled people as potential partners, very few comments I've been reading seem to recognise that it takes TWO people to WANT to enter a relationship. I receive admiration all the time, but nothing more, my admirers don't do themselves any favours either, they are missing out on me.
  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    Hi @RSW665

    If you allow me to suggest one thing here,  I would recommended to stop spending time desperately looking for  a woman of life. Keep you wish in mind but I have impression that in more you trying then less successful you are.  I am sure you have a hobby, passion for something. 
    Concentrate on this topic, try to join network related to it. 
    I am sure hobby, passion connect people who knows perhaps you will find your dream Lady there. 



  • Caz1980Caz1980 Member Posts: 7 Listener
    Hi @RSW665
    I  have read a few of your posts. If people can't see past our differences or disabilities maybe they are not the kind of people we want or need in our lives... ? 
    It sounds to me like you have a great deal to offer  & it is just a matter of time before somebody sees that.
    Caz :) 
    Caz
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Kenny, if you constantly feel unwanted you will appear so in public and no one will show you any interest whatsoever. Some of the other comments touch on what I was referring to earlier in ways that you have to change to be more acceptable. I am only a part-time wheelchair user so am more fortunate but...... the only relationship offers I have had in the last decade or so knew I used the wheelchair at times and still tried to push me to accept a relationship. All 4 of them were physically healthy. There was no magic in this as they were my friends long before the idea of getting together occurred to them. All women want to date someone they know well before anyone they have only met recently. Unfortunately being turned down never sits well and I have lost the friendships but can (and have) always make more friends.

    In case you are wondering why I refused them that's a very simple answer. My condition is unique and progressive. My local Pain Clinic had never come across it nor had a number of others they contacted for advice. I cannot find any reference on the internet of similar issues anywhere in the world. I never get the support and assistance I should. It won't be more than a couple of years before I am permanently wheelchair bound. Less than a decade after that I will be bed-ridden for the rest of my life. There is no cure, no treatment and no surgical option with less than a 40% death possibility before I even get out of recovery. I am not dragging someone else down with me especially not someone who loves me. It's bad enough my family has to go through it. Even family is deserting me. My sister and 2 of my 3 children are already distancing themselves from me. One daughter has completely cut me out of her life.

    To progress in the manner you wish, stop looking for it. Go out as much as you can. Make friends and have whatever fun you still can whilst you still can. You are hundreds of times more likely to find what you are looking for if you stop looking for it.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
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