Dealing with changes, recovery, uncertainty, depression

vix82

Hi all, I'm new to the forum but felt I needed to connect with ppl who appreciate what I am going through. In brief: I am a 34 year old, newly married women who 3 years ago had surgery to tendons in my hip. Unfortunately this op turned out to be a botch job and I have needed another 2 operations to try and resolve the issues which were caused by my initial op. This in total has dragged on for 3 years. I am now 3 weeks post op (3rd op) and I'm just feeling emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted too. I am fully employed and have been with the same company for 7 years. Whilst work have been very supportive with my condition (my manager and hr) and time off; my work colleagues have shown no real compassion or interest in my absence (making me feel more worthless than I already do), my friends were initially quite good but 3 operations along; they've kind of lost interest and do not understand. My husband is an absolute star and has stuck by me through everything but I can see he's struggling seeing me struggle. We cannot plan anything as I never know how I'm going to feel and life is a complete struggle. My life has changed drastically from the fun loving, outgoing person I used to be and I just feel so isolated at the moment. I am so anxious that this operation won't be successful and to be honest I just cannot cope very well. I try so hard not to get in that circle of depression and I try and stay strong but I'm crumbling inside. Unfortunately the condition/issues I have is unheard of in the medical world. Pfffttttttt

Liam_Alumni

Hi @vix82,

I'm sorry to hear about the issues you've been having - it sounds like a really stressful time for you, but please know that you're not alone.

We have a wonderful community here and I'm sure some members may be able to offer some help and support for you. With regards to the operations, did you say that you have one coming up? If you do, have you spoken to your GP about this and whether there is further support available for you?

RSISolutions

Dear @vix82. I can totally sympathies with your position.   
Are you familiar with the 2010 Equality Act and the reasonable adjustments that you are entitled to? If not I would do some research on it. 

http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1859
https://www.equalityadvisoryservice.com/

It sounds like your manager and HR are making some of the reasonable adjustments that you are entitled to but your work colleagues are getting "Reasonable Adjustment Envy". Yes such a thing does exist !!
The Equality Act states that not only is your line manager and HR supposed to facilitate reasonable adjustments, but so should your colleagues.

Has your manager had any disability confidence training ? 
https://www.disabilityrightsuk.org/how-we-can-help/training/disability-confidence-training

After training perhaps he/she could hold a meeting explaining to your work colleagues of the adjustments they are making for you and why you are legally entitled to them. This might help with the "reasonable adjustment envy" ?

In the meantime have a listen to these podcast. 
https://audioboom.com/posts/4983097-the-phil-simon-show-no-5-who-can-use-our-loo

vix82

LiamO, hi I'm 3 weeks post op (that was my third op). I'm trying to get an appointment with my doctor, unfortunately my surgery is closed today for training. I think that's my first plan of action 

vix82

RSIS, hi there. Thanks for this information. I will have a read through. There definitely is some kind of envy - the thing is I'd do anything to change places with them! I'm terrified of losing my job over this and have spoken both to my manager and HR about the way I feel and let's just say they weren't that reassuring. All I get is 'I hope it doesn't come to that' and when I'm off any communication that comes from my manger always states how much they need me back as quickly as possible. I'm now concerned I'm depressed. Well I know I am and I'm so worried this latest op won't have worked either - then I really am in trouble 

haylou

Friends back off when you're at you're worst struggling because they're afraid of intruding try to invite them round to yours but top up on painkillers and have your husband as a waiter and non alcoholic drinks for you.
Hope it works I lost contact with my friends then split up with my husband if I could have redone one part of my life it would be to not wait till I was better but invite people to visit me as I couldn't didn't feel well enough to go out to socialize, I suppose everyone's different but I regret waiting till I was better as this never really happened

RSISolutions

Hi @vix82. Do your employers have access to counselling for you? If not ask them if they can pay for it. Put it in writing e.g. email. Ask your GP as well. 
I would really urge you to get some legal advice sooner rather than later. Google "free legal advice" and also google Law Centers in your area - which will be able to give free advice. http://www.lawcentres.org.uk/

Universities can also sometimes provide free advice.  I would also phone up ACAS and ask for advice. http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461
Get a copy of your sickness and absence policy from work. 
Just knowing your legal rights can make a huge difference to how you feel emotionally. 

My doctor recommended this :-
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/

vix82

Haylou, thanks for posting your experience. This time I've made a conscious effort to tell my friends I'm a bit low and asking them to come over. Unfortunately there are one or two who just don't get it and I never hear from. I guess this says more about them than me? The problem with me is I put this huge brave face on all the time so friends just aren't prepared for when I crack up. I never anticipated my life was going to be like this. I'd love to start a family as well and that just seems at the moment that will never happen for us. My husband is 44 and doesn't have any children as yet so that always weighs me down even though he says I'm all he needs and just getting better is the priority. I'm sad to hear your marriage broke down over your illness. I hope now you've found some kind of happiness? 

haylou

Hi vix82, I hope you had a nice day with your friends invited, I put on a brave face too.Its not too late for children at a later date I suppose sometimes they can lift you out of depression, but doctor's always advise like your husband says to be well first.
People keep asking if I want another baby but I don't I'm too ill but in an ideal world I would.
So maybe I'll get grandchildren on day.
I haven't got a special someone in my life I'm resigned to singledom.
Though I don't miss being a couple but miss having someone to help through my illness,