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Descriptive Praise, The Most Powerful Motivator
How many times have you found yourself repeating, reminding, nagging, pleading, bargaining, arguing, threatening and finally shouting – just to get your son to follow a simple instruction? Lack of cooperation is one of the most stressful things that parents are dealing with on a daily basis.
Having to repeat and remind may seem like it’s just a fact of life when you’re living with boys. You may not even believe that it’s possible to get first-time cooperation most of the time. The good news is that it’s not difficult to achieve once you know how.
You deserve first-time cooperation from your son, and you can get it - most of the time. When your son is in the habit of doing what you ask the first time you ask, he will respect you more, and he will be nicer to be with. Everything will go more smoothly. Your son will feel better about himself when he’s mostly getting smiles and hugs for doing the right thing. That will be much more motivating for him than hearing your annoyed tone of voice or seeing the annoyed expression on your face when he’s not doing the right thing.
Starting with this article, I will be sharing with you some foolproof strategies for helping boys to cooperate most of the time.
The quickest, easiest and most effective way to start guiding your son into more sensible habits is a strategy called Descriptive Praise. This is always the first strategy I teach parents because it is such a powerful motivator.
With Descriptive Praise you leave out the usual superlatives: Well done! Good boy! Wonderful! You’re so clever! Instead, mention exactly what your child did that was OK:
‘You’re being gentle with the baby.’
‘You’re chewing with your mouth closed.’
‘You did what I told you to do as soon as I asked.’
The more Descriptive Praises you say, the more your son will want to please you, so the more cooperative and sensible he will become. Before too long you will be able to count on ninety percent good behaviour – on most days. That has been the experience of every parent who has committed to Descriptively Praising small steps in the right direction at least ten times a day. That is because Descriptive Praise feels so good and because it helps your son to see himself as cooperative, sensible, helpful, kind, etc. Family life will become much calmer, easier and happier.
Q: I like the idea of Descriptive Praise, but there really isn't much I can praise. My son could whinge for England! What can I find to praise?
A: Most misbehaviour is minor, although at times there is so much of it that it feels major. When your son is whingeing, resist the temptation to talk to him. If you reply to a whingeing child he will just assume ‘It’s OK to whinge because Mummy and Daddy are still going to talk to me.’ Wait until there is a pause in the whingeing before you reply. It may feel as if he is never going to stop whingeing, but he will pause sooner if you say nothing. Once he has stopped, wait about five seconds and then say ‘You’re not whingeing now’.
Of course the first few times you Descriptively Praise him for stopping whingeing, he might look at you as if you are nuts. This is not at all the reaction he was expecting. He was expecting to get your attention by whingeing.
His response to your Descriptive Praise might be to say nothing, or he might start talking in a friendly, polite voice. But it is also possible that he might start whingeing all over again, or complaining or arguing. Once again, muster up the self-control to wait until there is a pause in the annoying behaviour, then Descriptively Praise him again for stopping. The more often you are willing to Descriptively Praise when your son stops the annoying behaviour, or even just pauses momentarily, the sooner he will see that the new way to get your attention is to do things right.
Q: Is it OK to use superlatives along with the Descriptive Praise, like ‘That’s terrific that you tidied away your toys’ or ‘I’m so happy you started your homework straightaway’?
A: On the rare occasions when your son does something new or big that really does make your heart sing, by all means show how happy and excited you are. But, truthfully, how often do our children do something amazing? Tidying up is not something terrific; it’s what we expect him to do. The same is true of staying seated at the dinner table until he’s been excused, putting his clothes in the laundry basket, using his ‘indoor voice’, etc.
Let’s show that we’re pleased by our Descriptive Praises and our smiles rather than by gushing. When we’re slathering on the superlatives, we’re hoping to influence our children to behave better. But those over-the-top exclamations are counter-productive because children have heard them so often. Consider the disconnect if we get annoyed when they don’t tidy away their toys, but we act as if it’s a miracle when they do! That is bound to be confusing, at the very least.
Also, you would probably bore yourself and irritate your son if you were to say, ‘I’m happy’ each time he does something that’s good. And it doesn’t really help him to hear that you’re happy; what is important is that he hears about what he has done right or what he has not done wrong. That’s the power of Descriptive Praise. So we need to train ourselves to change our old habits.
Q. I understand about Descriptive Praise for the OK behaviour. But are you saying I should just ignore the bad behaviour?
A. No! Many parenting books and articles advise parents to ignore misbehaviour and to reward good behaviour with positive attention. But ignoring misbehaviour is difficult to do consistently, unless you're a saint, because a child whose misbehaviour is being ignored is likely to escalate the misbehaviour to try and get your attention. If by ignoring you mean trying to pretend he is not being annoying, he will probably re-double his efforts in order to get the usual reaction.
What is much more effective than ignoring is to look at your child but say nothing. Wait in silence until there is a pause in the annoying behaviour, and then Descriptively Praise the absence of the negative.
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