Q&A with Gillian - Let's talk about sex

Sam_Alumni

@PSHEexpert can you recommend any good books about sex and relationships for teenagers or young people with some learning difficulties?

PSHEexpert

@CockneyRebel that's a really good point and opens up a lot of important ethical questions.  Everyone has the right to sexual expression, but not to sex per se, as of course it involves consent from both parties, so you could never really accurately say "we have the right to sex" - we have the right to HAVE sex, but only in specific circumstances.  

Would our NHS ever consider such a move?  I am not sure but I suspect not, because of the potential for a legal minefield (around consent, for a start), and because arguably there's not enough resources and capacity for some of the lifesaving stuff.  I suspect it'd be an "attitude lottery" too around who was 'allowed' to access such services.  However, if it's a question of should there be more adequate support for people to access services around sexual wellbeing - yes absolutely.  Even a conversation would be a start.

PSHEexpert

@Sam_Scope There are some that I really like by Kate Reynolds, about Tom and Ellie.  There are two sets of three books: 'What's Happening To [Tom or Ellie]", "Tom [or Ellie] Needs To Go", and "Things Tom [or Ellie] Likes".  They're about body changes and growing up, using public toilets safely, and masturbation respectively.  Other resources I use frequently are the "Talking Together About..." books, published by the FPA - there's a set, about growing up, contraception, and sex and relationships.  They're aimed more at parents and staff working with young people with LD, but they're very accessible and useful.

Generally speaking though this does highlight a more widespread problem which is a shortage of information and resources aimed directly at young people with LD.  This is an issue - it means there's not a lot of opportunity for learning independently, which is very important not only for retention of information but also for dignity and privacy...

lavender

Sex..; Is there differnce desires/needs between men and women,regarding age,health and lust?

PSHEexpert

I think it's different day to day, individual to individual, situation to situation!   

of course health and age can affect interest in sex and might also affect enjoyment/function, but there aren't really any hard and fast rules (no pun intended)...

Topkitten

I lost my partner in 2005 and for 8 years had no contact with women beyond friendship. Then I was basically preyed upon by a healthy lady with purely MH issues. I put a stop to it fairly quickly but it hurt. Since then though the interest has returned but, because my condition is progressive, my dating attempts were half-hearted at best. I ALWAYS disclosed my problems up front which simply put ladies off. It seems no one likes complete honesty. When I can afford it I pay for sex just to keep things simple but even in this there are those that try to take advantage of me. It's very disheartening.

Despite being severely disabled with invisible issues I look much younger than my actual age often being thought as 15-20 years younger. However, as my condition causes nerve damage the lower half of my body is being affected (not just my legs) so physical activities in the bedroom will, at some point, be virtually impossible due to loss of bladder and bowel control. I am NOT looking forward to that.

Paying for sex with much younger women (it's an industry mostly populated by the young) is a stop gap to make me feel better. However, funds are limited most of the time as I haven't been in work for over a decade. It's only my deceased mothers estate that allows me to go this route for now. I don't even do it for my own release as I actually want to prove I can still GIVE pleasure, which I happen to be quite good at.

At some point I will become just another sad old man, crippled, miserable and alone. Life is tough enough without something else to lose.

TK

Topkitten

Apologies. The initial statement implies she died. She didn't. She left because she was much younger than me and couldn't cope with the pain she was causing me.

TK

Sam_Alumni

@Felix_Grieve86 I thought you may be interested in this thread

Bikernut

After suffering from Sarcoidosis in my brain which also affected my pituitary gland, I always found that it was difficult to get aroused, with the resultant erectile dysfunction. Although I have seen specialists regarding this, they seem to pay little regard to the cause of the problem and just prescribe the standard treatments of pills, Viagra, Calaise etc. I also have testoserone injection every week. Would it not be possible to investigate and treat the cause of the problem, rather than the symptom?

Markmywords

The way I look at it is doctors are like car mechanics. If it's in the "manual" then they can fix it. If not, then it's "nah mate better scrap it."

PSHEexpert

@Bikernut that's really interesting - and I would have thought that'd make sense, too.  Did the specialists who treated the sarcoidosis acknowledge that this could be a resultant issue, or was it just never addressed?

PSHEexpert

@Markmywords I think it's very symptomatic of how stretched things are, it's really challenging.

PSHEexpert

@Topkitten Thank you for sharing your story and some of the realities of progression of condition - it's really highlighted (more than ever) how isolating it is to have this swept under the carpet.  It is so very important to, really, a majority of people - a core part of how we see ourselves and our self esteem.  

Sam_Alumni

Thank you so much @PSHEexpert for your help with this Q&A! 

If anyone has further questions about sex, relationships and disability then head over to the Ask a PSHE expert category now.