Giving up

bevt2017

Hi everyone
A bit different from my last discussion, were I was feeling positive and trying to deal with my diagnosis.
A letter came for me this morning from my specalist. Saying that my case was 're-reviewed at a monthly multidisciplinary team meeting. one of her colleagues represented on her behalf because she was away. And that the overall feeling was I did not have the diagnosis she gave me. 
I can't put into words how devastated I am. This has been going on now for 2 years and still no diagnosis. I'm so tired of all the tests I've had countless blood tests, MRI, CT scans, lumbar puncture tests ect.
I've decided I'm not letting them do anything to me anymore. I can't take the emotional stress anymore. Even with 2 anti depressants I'm finding it really hard. 
I love my kids very much, but I think they would do so much better without me.

CockneyRebel

Hi bev
I am so sorry that you are going through this, not knowing is probably the hardest thing there is to come to terms with. Nobody can force you to have tests or any other treatment, it is always your decision. You do have to find a way to manage your condition even if you don't have a name for it, you do know what effect is has on you and that is the place to start.

There is no way your kids would be better off without you so just don't go there. Please please ring the Samaitans or the Scope help line. The medical profession may have let you down but there is still support available.

We are here to listen, help and support in any way we can.

CR  

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bevt2017

Hi @CockneyRebel
The last time I spoke with a doctor about my depression. Someone phoned my husband later that day. to see if I was in danger of hurting myself. All they wanted to do was lock me up. I can't go to councilling because I'm deaf and I can't sign. 
@DannyMoore I know how you feel. I haven't spoke to any of my family since "she" threw me out at 18, I'm 44 now. 
It's good you made your peace, but I can't forget or forgive all the mental and physical abuse they put me through.
Sometimes I feel I take to much space if that makes sense. it's hard to breath. When i get in a state my tinnitus is so loud, I would give anything just for silence. 

Sam_Alumni

Hi @bevt2017

You are a member of our community and we appreciate you.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at jo@samaritans.org

You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself:

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/how-can-i-help-myself/

If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

Sam 

Sam_Alumni

bevt2017 said:

Hi @CockneyRebel
The last time I spoke with a doctor about my depression. Someone phoned my husband later that day. to see if I was in danger of hurting myself. All they wanted to do was lock me up. I can't go to councilling because I'm deaf and I can't sign. 
@DannyMoore I know how you feel. I haven't spoke to any of my family since "she" threw me out at 18, I'm 44 now. 
It's good you made your peace, but I can't forget or forgive all the mental and physical abuse they put me through.
Sometimes I feel I take to much space if that makes sense. it's hard to breath. When i get in a state my tinnitus is so loud, I would give anything just for silence. 

When they contacted your husband, how did he react? I know it is so scary to open up about mental health, but it is so important to seek help.  

Does your husband know how you are feeling?

Sam_Alumni

You mention that you cant go to counseling, I just wondered if there were any services for people with hearing impairments for therapy and found Deaf4Deaf, they might be worth a look, they talk about sign language but may also have other services that could offer support.

Action for hearing loss also have an information line that may be of help to you.

Can you speak to anyone close to you? Your husband, a family member or friend? Perhaps they can offer you some support? If you can, your GP is a good place to start too.

I understand how scary it is to talk about mental health, but I honestly find that once you open up, people do understand and want to help.  I am really glad you felt that you could talk about your feelings here.

bevt2017

Hi @Sam_Scope
Thank you for the email.
He told them I Wasn't in any danger has he was with me. The doctor told them Ive attempted suicide 3 times, that's why they called.
They didn't follow up or ask if i needed councilling.
And I haven't seen my doctor for months, I'm on repeat prescriptions.
Thinking about doing something, and actually doing it are completely different. 
I would never talk about it to anyone I would just do it. 
Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone, anyone except family and friends. I know there are people on here who suffer with depression. so they will know how I feel.
I think my husband needs to contact the doctors for an appointment. But no he doesn't know yet. It's the first time in months he's gone out fishing. Really she should have contacted him first. I've been looking at a lot of information about these diseases. Just to be told oh sorry it's not that. We don't know what it is now. They want to do more tests and more biopsys. I just can't go through all that again. Plus it could be years before another one comes along.
Thanx Sam

Sam_Alumni

It sounds like a really tough time for you, as you say, sometimes it does help to talk to someone who isnt family or friends so please do think about talking to the Samaritans.  They are a listening ear and are trained to help and support people in crisis.  

The Samaritans have a text number that you can speak to someone via text message which may be helpful for you - the national text number: 07725 90 90 90.

alanm

Thanks

bevt2017

Hi @Sam_Scope
Thank you for your advice yesterday it really ment alot. 
I have contacted action On hearing loss this morning. and they have been very helpful. They asked me if my doctor has ever referred me to a hearing therapist (no). To help me and my family deal with my deafness, tinnitus and deppression. So my husband phoned my doctors this morning. My doctor will contact my husband on Friday to sort the referal out. And to make me an appointment about my medications.
I have also emailed my local deaf society. To see if me and my husband can get help with sign lauguage classes. to help us communicate better. And then we can teach are children.
I'm feeling a bit better today having talked with my husband last night. He was not happy I received a letter about my diagnosis through the post. And he's going to contact the specialist, to find out why she didn't contact him first, like she has numerous times. he is also going to support me, with my decition not to have more tests. So that's a big relief.
Thank you again
Xx

Sam_Alumni

Oh @bevt2017 I am so pleased for you, its a big step in reaching out for help but you have done it and I am really proud of you for being so proactive.

Im really glad you had a chat with your husband too, sometimes it helps massively to have someone to share with, someone to help you and someone to stand up for you when you dont have the energy to do it yourself.

Best of luck to you and please let us know how you get on

bevt2017

Hi @Sam_Scope
Well I've finally recieved a letter this morning. For an appointment to see a hearing therapist. 
I'm made up

Sam_Alumni

Oh @bevt2017 I am so pleased for you!!! Best of luck with the therapy, I hope it is helpful to you