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Mental Health Issues,Help and Talking to People

Ghandi Member Posts: 19 Connected
edited December 2017 in Mental health and wellbeing
hi, l was diagnosed with Depression,Anxiety with Panic Attacks. This all happened 12 yrs ago, and it has progressively got worse. At the outset l was given all the help available, (crisis team for 6weeks,then psychiatrist, and counsellors.) l didn’t know what l expected,but nobody could understand why l couldn’t speak to people l didn’t know. The crisis team did what they could and decided that as l wasn’t under the circumstances allowed to self medicate. The psychiatrist’s said that l wasn’t helping myself by not talking to them, one guy got me cornered in a room and said, “ if you killed your wife and told me l can’t tell anybody.” at this l walked out and never returned. I was forced to see counsellors, 1 as young as my granddaughter, not appropriate. And an older lady who put me on a timer, she clicked the stopwatch as l entered the room, and then was surprised when l wouldn’t talk to her. I never went back. My Gp, is my bolt hole if it gets too much for me, but there time is limited, and they seem to change every 6 months, or so. I am of a generation when what happened behind closed doors, stayed behind closed doors. My wife and l have been together for 45yrs, and she knows nothing of my past.
lt getting harder. 


  • Chaoskay
    Chaoskay Member Posts: 74 Courageous
    Hi @Ghandi
    I'm sorry you've had to go through all this.  It all sounds very upsetting and frustrating.
    When you say you can't talk to people, do you mean you can't talk to anyone about your state of mind if you don't know them?  Apologies if that's a daft question.
    You're obviously very eloquent when it comes to writing.  Is there any way you could write about how you feel and give that to the people who you have been referred to?
    Could you maybe even record how you feel on a video on your phone or computer when you are on your own and not under pressure?  That could be one way for you to get your thoughts across to them.  
    Could a friend or member of your family come with you to appointments?  Do you think that might give you a little more confidence to share how you feel and what you're going through?
    I'm sorry I can't suggest more to help.
    This is a very supportive community and I'm sure someone else will be able to come up with other suggestions.  
  • iza
    iza Community Co-Production Group Posts: 529 Pioneering
    edited December 2017
    Hi @Ghandi,  I think depression will happen to most of the people who are undergoing difficulties in life. The matter of fact is that those who know a bit of psychology and know  how human body works does not allow themselves to get into deep stage.
     I do understand that you did no wanted to speak to medical professionals previously and remain silent. It is your personal choice to decide how much you want to share with others. your story is your story and your medical history is your medical history.
    I know myself that is hard to find understanding even in eyes of Drs. 
    If you did not share with your wife your past perhaps you had reasons for it before. 
    Why do you say it is getting harder? Are you feeling that you would like to share with  your wife  now a part of your past life? 
    If you had been with your wife for 45 years and went throughout life long journey together in love and were supportive to each other than why to change things now?
    She loves you for the 45 years already as the person you appeared in her eyes she met you first time.  
    The past is the past. If you will dig the memory and emotion you may suffer again. Perhaps you could write to her a letter but she will be allow to open later days. 
    Writing help settle emotions and feelings. 
    By writing you will release what is in your heart and you will feel more healed and calm. Then you will decide what to do with your writing. 
    I hope I helped. 
    Congratulation on your marriage. 

  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,798 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Ghandi, thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you've had a really tough time, and that you haven't been able to access the support you need. I've moved this post into our Ask a Mental Health advisor category, to see if they can offer any advice. I hope today is as kind as possible to you. 
  • Ghandi
    Ghandi Member Posts: 19 Connected
    Hi Chaoskay. I have never been able to find a situation where l feel l am ready to speak to anybody about my situation. I have written things down but then in the cold light of day l throw it away, it is as though l have a little person in my head telling me not to let anyone into my past as they will only let me down. As l have been in the past, where l have had to explain certain things to ease my way through a situation. This mostly happened with a boss in my last job. So my philosophy is that if you trust nobody, nobody can hurt you. 
    I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters, l have not spoken to most of these people for 40 yrs, they have not been part of my life as they do not understand. I read a book by David Peltzer, ( A Boy Called lt.) it was like reading a story of part of my life, l lived on the streets for five years, l was at my lowest, but it showed me that friends are only there for the good times. At the age of 18 l met my wife, and l married my best friend. But l don’t want to spoil things by burdening her with things that she may find difficult to understand.    Ghandi.
  • Ghandi
    Ghandi Member Posts: 19 Connected
    Hi Iva. I have tried to right things down, l was even helped by a nurse clinician a while back who treated me with respect, and humoured me when l was in a bad place, l could call her at any time in the day and she would see me, we would shout and argue like man & wife, and she would give as good as she got, l didn’t have to hide away when l was talking to her, but l never opened up to her.
    she told me to write things down in the third person, which means that l was telling my story through somebody else. It was working for a time and she would keep what I wrote in her office for safety and future reference, but this was brought to an abrupt end when she was replaced by another, much younger nurse. I have never written anything down on paper since. I could never video myself talking about my past as l don’t think l could face my demons, or let anybody get close to me, by letting them in on my inner most thoughts.
  • Chaoskay
    Chaoskay Member Posts: 74 Courageous
    Trusting anyone is such a difficult thing to do if you have been let down so many times.  The words of Simon and Garfunkel's old song 'I am Rock' comes to mind if you know that one.  I do understand where you're coming from.

    I'm glad you've found a few people you felt a little more comfortable with, even if you haven't been able to open up to them.  All I can suggest is to try and maybe write again, even if you don't show what you've written to anyone.  Just to get it out of your system.

    You've obviously found someone else's writing helpful in the form of a book, so even if you can't speak about your life, you're able to read and gain strength from others.

    On here, it's not obligatory to bare your soul if you don't want to.  Perhaps having a look around the forums, finding posts you can relate to, and seeing how others deal with similar circumstances would, at the very least, help you to feel less alone.

    If you'd like to chat about a subject, but don't want to share your story, just ask others to share on that topic.  You may find some gems of conversation that will affect the way you see life.

    Try not to give up hope, and we're here for you if you do ever decide to talk about what you've been through.
  • RebeccaMHadvisor
    RebeccaMHadvisor Member Posts: 99 Courageous

    It sounds that not only have the past 12 years been a struggle for you but also the years before that. When you talk about ‘...if you trust nobody, nobody can hurt you…’ this speaks volumes to me but I am wondering about where your wife fits into this? I am wondering if you are able to perhaps put yourself in her shoes and how you would feel if she was carrying around a burdon like this and didn’t turn to you for help?

    It is understandable when you say that you were unable to speak to someone you didn’t know, although for some people they find that easier because they are impartial to the issues that you need to talk about but if you do talk to someone it has to be the right person, a person that you are comfortable with, someone who doesn’t make you feel as though you are on a clock. It is great that you have your GP but as you have mentioned there time is limited. It is a shame that the nurse you were working with was replaced and although you didn’t open up to her, you were building a relationship which can be the start. But no one can make make you open up and there is little point in counselling if you are not ready for it.

    I do understand when you say ‘I am of a generation when what happened behind closed doors, stayed behind closed doors’, it is very common and is common in all generations but there are many campaigns on going to try and change that perception as not talking about thing is not healthy.

    I must agree with @iza with regards to talking to your wife. Although you may not feel ready now, talking in this forum could help you to think about how you might be able to get ready if this is something you feel you would like.


  • Ghandi
    Ghandi Member Posts: 19 Connected
    Hi Rebecca. When l took ill l was working away from home, my wife got a phone call just saying that I was ill, and would have to come home. My son drove to Heathrow Airport and picked me up, he asked what was wrong, too which l answered, l don’t feel right. We arrived home 5hrs later and l was so tired l went to bed immediately. Whilst l was in bed my wife spoke to my lmmediate Boss and was told that l just flipped, and couldn’t get myself together. My son took it upon himself to speak to a member of my family, he was told that l was always a bit scatty and was always in trouble with my father. My older sister phoned to see 
    what the problem was and she admitted that l was abused as a child by my father. Learning this when l got out of bed, put me in a very dark place. I am not an aggressive person, ( people who are bullied, abused and molested as a child/ teenager.) very rarely are. But l lost the plot and ended up being visited by the police, my gp and eventually the local NHS crisis team with a view to me being sectioned. But because l calmed down and my son took responsibility for my welfare on a day to day basis, ( he stayed at home with his mum and l.) l am lucky he owns his own company. I vowed then that l will not l would never let anybody get into my space, l explained to my wife that what happened to me would kill me if l thought she found out from others what my past really was like.
    My wife and my grown up children have all agreed that if it hurts me to speak, then it is to be left alone, on the understanding that if l ever get to a stage that l feel l need to talk then they are all there.  I hear you now saying that l should try and write everything down, l tried as you know and l don’t intend going through all the pain and tears for anyone else. I have a new go now who doesn’t know my true history my mental health, he only has what is on his computer, we have contact now but only because a few years go l was diagnosed with COPD, ( Emphysema & Bronchiatasis, ( Yes l Smoke.), l have arthritis in my left leg, both hips, left wrist, elbow and shoulder, my right side is slowly catching up this was all caused by a fall shattering both of my ankles, whilst l was living on the streets 
    at the age of 15. I am at piece with my lot at the moment, l take every day as it comes, my close family accept that l am not the same everyday, it depends which, “Ghandi,” gets up each day. I miss more appointments because of this than l attend. But people have taken a long time to take this on board.
    The only big problem l face now is with the DWP, Atos and PIP. The DWP have more medical letters, paperwork and X-rays, explaining why l can’t self medicate, why l am not allowed sharp objects and why l have to be observed 24-7, but l have a letter in my possession, informing me that they are seeking further information from my care givers to ascertain how my disabilities affect my everyday life. For care givers they will have to contact my Gp, who dishes out my medication, on a monthly basis and my family who are there for me 24-7.

    On a lighter note, my name is not really Ghandi, but it is better than being called the N word or the P word, l am white but a little less white that my abusers. 

    I understand and that this is rather long, and l have explained somethings which l would never reveal face to face, but at ease when l am allowed to speak.

    Regards.   Ghandi.
  • CockneyRebel
    CockneyRebel Member Posts: 5,216 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi Ghandi

    Thank you so much for sharing a little about you.
    This is a safe place, no one will judge you but we will all do our best to help and support you. Please do feel free anytime you are ready

    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • Ghandi
    Ghandi Member Posts: 19 Connected
    Thanks CR. It is nice to know that when l am having good or bad day l can have a chat & chill.

    regards. Ghandi.
  • iza
    iza Community Co-Production Group Posts: 529 Pioneering
    Hi @Ghandi, It seems like you went trough lots. 
    Yes I agree dealing with DWP, ATOS and all this institution  is challenging. 

    Think about yourself and rest lots. 

  • Ghandi
    Ghandi Member Posts: 19 Connected
    Hi.lza. Things have gone from bad to worse, l have today learned that supposed benits advisor, who filled in my pip forms, is acon woman. She did not fill my forms in correctly, and never added important updates to my claim, and now l have to have a face to face Assessment, as  she has not put enough information in the forms for them to come to a decision. I am at my wits end l don’t know which way to turn. The phone number she gave me to contact her does not exist.
    l signed the form without checking it as she said she would post it immediately.
    l can’t see an end to this, l am in a very dark place at the moment. regard Ghandi.
  • iza
    iza Community Co-Production Group Posts: 529 Pioneering
    edited December 2017
    Hi @Ghandi

    Really sorry to hear that. 
    You need to know that the forms are very tricky. People think that they need to answer all questions and give all information of all the medical history.
    Personally I think that the forms are very discriminatory. There is part 1 for physical state and part 2  for mental state of your condition but if you suffer from invisible disability then there is hardy any space it can be described in more details in theses forms. 
    Please make sure that you are not going there on your own, make sure that you are brining all photocopied medical history asking them to attach to your file.
    Talk to them how much you condition affect your life on a daily basis.
    Make sure that they will attach all info to your case and the most important is to  request straight away the copy of assessment to be send to you to your home address. It is very important you requested it in the person or by phone. Lots of people complain that the assessment report is not clearly adequate picture of what you said. No all details are reported and so on. 
    Pease go there with your wife or with any of you children so they can act as witness to your side too. 

  • RebeccaMHadvisor
    RebeccaMHadvisor Member Posts: 99 Courageous
    Thank you for sharing and opening up a little about yourself. As cockneyrebel says, no one on the forum will judge you and people are here to support you as and when you need it.

    Unfortunately ATOS and PIP are not my area of expertise but there are so many people on the forum who have issues. There is some really good information on the Scope website about making a claim and I hope that these might be of some use to you.

  • ellandbim
    ellandbim Member Posts: 1 Listener
    Hi there 'Ghandi', first of all may I please say well done for surviving your childhood.  I too am a childhood surviver. I too have trodden on the path that you walk.  However I had decided that although my childhood may have been taken from me, I was damn sure that my adulthood would not be.  I was determind to prove my abusers wrong, I was never willing to be a pack animal and join them in their belief structure. As my individuality was seen as a protest to my abusers, it wasn't, I just knew from a rather young age that, the people they were, I did not want to be.

    However this sadly encouraged pack animal instincts from my siblings enabling them to receive praise and acknowledgement from their parent.  I too have no contact with siblings or biological parents since adulthood, mainly because I would never allow such horrid creatures around my children. 

    As and adult I chose to learn how to be a counsellor, to be there for people who deserve to be seen and heard.  As a person-centred counsellor I know that there has to be a contract whether verbal or written stipulating that what you discuss/work through is strictly confidential. It is also true that the only times this confidentiality can be broken is if you were to stipulate that you were planning to harm another person or that you were discussing hurting yourself, however a good counsellor would allow you to express yourself with regards to said points, it should never just be left and not explored.

     Finding someone to trust is essential, and having been a child and abused by a person(s) that one is expected to trust, knocks your belief in adults.  But you sincerely are not alone.  I was lucky in a way as I chose to be very open and honest with my children from a very early age.  If they asked I told them, they know my back story, they have always understood why they do not have Auntys, Uncles, Grandparents or Cousins.  They understood that the distance was for their safety. 

    I felt shame and guilt for what I had been through.  However once I acknowledged that I did nothing wrong, that I was not a victim, I was a surviver.  I survived because I was far, far stronger than my abusers. I realised that they treated me the way they did because they feared me, they did not understand my individuality.  They feared that I was different. Most the time they were trying to keep me down so they did not look so low themselves. If they saw me as a nothing, then their belief allowed them to be a something. 

    Other forms of abuse is where, as you well know; someone takes something from you because they obviously have mental health issues and are not strong enough/ clever enough or morally or empathically aware enough to comprehend the impact that it will have on you.  NONE of these points are your fault.  You did nothing wrong.  And having your sister cruely disclose such information about you is unfeeling. However, in the positive, it is a good 'Rung-of-the-ladder', to start from, if ever wishing to disclose.

    Ghandi I feel that letting these horrid, unworthy people have an impact on your life now is not really productive in your life.  Don't allow them that right.  You, are a surviver.  You are amazing.  You are stronger than you realise and much more brilliant than you give herself credit for.  All I can say is learn from the past, but don't live in it.  See how damn strong, you actually are. 

    I am not for one minute going to tell you to let go of the past, as I have been told so many times.  "It's in the past", yes well it may be but that past can shape whom you choose to be.  So I chose to be a much better person than my abusers could even comprehend. 

    I know it is hard when people have their say, when 'so called family', say things and disclose things about you, or most certainly bend the truth and exclaim that you are not right, or you have always been different or difficult or reach into the most protected place in you. It is so hard when so many people try to tell the same story about you. When it is heard from so many people it is often believed to some degree.  And in my instance the only way I could prove them wrong was by proving them wrong.  I was/am the best person I can be, I am honest, true, welcoming, caring, appreciative etc, all the things you own.  You can't tell people that what others say is untrue, you have to show them.  And the best way to show them is by being the best you, you can be.  By using what you know about pain, hurt, feeling vulnerable, isolation, loneliness, difference, and all the other feelings that you have had, and NEVER make another living person feel any of that from you.  Be the person you wish you had there for you when you were surviving through what you were living through.  First of all; it confuses your abusers and secondly, you realise that it is NEVER too late to live your life.  Think of ALL the wisdom you own.  You cannot teach that, it is something you gain from going through something and coming out the other side. Like I said, you are Amazing... And thank you, for being another survivor. Respect to you.


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