Mental health issues
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Suicidal thoughts

TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
People keep asking me why I feel suicidal. Either I get that or the standard spiel about what to do if I feel suicidal. Very simply I have been suicidal for 7 years and I will be so until the day I die. There is a simple reason for this. I feel completely useless and I get no practical support, not in my daily life nor in my long term illness situation. Today is just such an example of the latter.

Over 3 years ago I was diagnosed with a ruptured and collapsing disk in my neck. This causes pins and needles and lack of feeling in the hands and lower arms. It also causes strong pain in the side of my face, my neck, shoulder and upper arm. It does move about as the collapse continues. Sometimes on the left side, sometimes on the right and sometimes both. Not long ago a shift caused massive pain and took 5 days to settle down. During that time I got no support from the NHS apart from 111. Every doctor I tried to speak to and even the ambulance crew that attended all said "Nothing we can do". It has been hard to keep going with such lack of treatment.

I have seen 4 surgeons including the head of Orthopaedics twice over that period. All agreed I needed surgery. I have used 1 stick instead of 2 to minimise pain. I have stopped using my manual wheelchair for the same reason. It has led to long periods of being housebound, losing all my friends and being unable to attend the disability centre I used to go to twice a week. About 2 months ago my second visit with the head surgeon I was put once again on the list for surgery. Not the short one but the long "wait a minimum of a year" one. I complained due to how long I had been waiting and was given a new appointment for a second opinion.

This surgeon saw something on the MRI he didn't like and which could cause a problem with the impending surgery, so more tests were needed. He knew my case, knew the problems I had and was helpful and considerate. Today I saw him for the results. He had no idea of what I suffered from. Was offhand and even rude. Would not listen and stubbornly refused to let me have the surgery at all.

Obviously his fears were true and it was behave like he did or admit that I was right and the head of Orthopaedics didn't have a clue, was incompetent, high on medication for his trivial problem or a combination. As usual my suffering and lack of having a life was of no interest to this idiot. His only suggestion was another opinion at a hospital that he knew damn well was too far for me to travel to.

So...... the suicidal thoughts are foremost in my mind again but while I wait for the right time I intend to complain again to PALS (pointless as this complaint caused the problem). I will go back to using 2 sticks and the wheelchair. Ofc this will lead to extreme pain levels and probably numerous calls to 111 and the ambulance service. Regular accidental OD's to try to combat the new pain levels. It will also probably mean trouble with the GP surgery again, most likely with me getting kicked out again.

I have no choice. There is no alternative except for me to do things this way because they would rather protect each other than give appropriate treatment.

I will therefore get Xmas out of the way then kill myself mid-January.

Do not bother giving me the standard responses to this sort of statement. I know them all off by heart and without support with the actual problem will not make the blindest bit of difference to me. The MH people will not do anything to help so there is no point me contacting them at all.

I regret now my trying to make things better. It was stupid of me because it guaranteed I have a disaster. I should know by now that I am not allowed a life, that I am not allowed support and no one gives a **** about me enough to even try to help. All the good wishes in the world are not going to give me the use of my arms back nor reduce the pain levels that not having the surgery guarantee I have. Nor will anything help with these effing idiot doctors I constantly have to deal with because they are too stupid to even want to help me.

I am dead inside, it's time I made it outside too.

TK
"I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.

Replies

  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    Hi @Topkitten

    You need to remember that the life is a gift from GOD. You should find the strength inside yourself. If you went so far with your experienced life  and were strong for long. Than you need to believe there is strength still inside you to continue living.  You need to self motivate yourself to keep going. You need to focus your mind on positives aspects of life. Keep busy yourself. Remember you are the boss not the illness itself. You need take control over the situation not situation over you.  Every inner thoughts  fight is happening in the brain. Too many thoughts is not good. No matter what DR says remember they are only people and what they say are only words. If miracle cannot happen then make a life to be miracle. 
    You need to focus on yourself and positive you. 
    Look for inspirational motivation talks on you tube especially from disable people. 
    If you do not fight for yourself no one will do. Stop thinking negatively and be positive. Remember we have energy inside the body.  Make a use of it. 
    Think about self healing and relax. 




  • izaiza Member Posts: 471 Pioneering
    @RebeccaMHadvisor can you advise here more please
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Sorry about what you are going through.  I am not going to patronise you.  Tell you anything. The only thing I wished to say.  I like your writing on any of the debates I have fortunate time to be part of .  It is a pleasure to meet you and I hope you can be part of more.  I felt that I built up a friendship with you.  You are part of a community.  All of us I am sure appreciate your contributions.  I am one whether you agree with me or not.  I like your views and opinions.  Thank you and hope what ever happens I send you my best.
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  • peterbeepeterbee Member Posts: 15 Listener
    How do you propose to end it?? Overdose?
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I have overdosed before a number of times both intentionally and accidentally. The accidentals are likely to become common but whether I have the appropriate medication to overdose properly is unlikely. I successfully managed it last year but gave it away by mentioning the OD to a carer so, consequently, when I collapsed and went into a coma I was in A&E and most unfortunately survived. Next time I will know better. Still, without sufficient of the same medication plus what I do have of it is old and unlikely to be as potent it will be difficult to put together a lethal cocktail. So I will have to think about how I can bring it about without going through the "we saved you" routine again.

    Ty @thespiceman for your reply. I know it seems daft to others that I should be so cold and calculating about things but I have always failed in the past by being gung-ho and just going for it without thinking it through first. As for the contributions I have made.... all they are is common sense and logical thinking. I have appreciated the comments and replies in the past.

    I just see no other way out. Taking the constantly large doses of Tramadol which I can see as being necessary on top of the large doses of Fentanyl I am already on could well lead to a lingering death anyway with gradual organ failure amongst other things. I am already suffering just from using 2 sticks today plus an abnormal reaction to the Tramadol without being even close to the maximum dosage.

    I am certain there will be no quick resolution on the surgery front which entails an extended length of suffering. Unfortunately it is that or an even longer period of lesser suffering and considerably less mobility. All because some idiot was so busy protecting his boss he couldn't be bothered to read my notes.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • clusterwarriorclusterwarrior Member Posts: 1 Listener
    I wont patronise you. I get it. All I can say is disability is a neverending fight. And sometimes when we fight hard enough things change. Its up to us whether we want to fight. We shouldnt have to but its a sad truth that we do. Ultimately you know what you want, you know where to turn to if you do want support. 
  • jazzylovesthisjazzylovesthis Member Posts: 3 Listener
    I have just joined Scope and yours is the first post I have looked at. I am heartbroken by reading that you have not been taken seriously I do know some of what that is like. You are in a great deal of pain and that alone is a terrific burden for anyone to live with daily never mind the attitudes of doctors and consultants. It is a constant fight to be heard I know and it is all wrong. I can't offer you any great wisdom or make things right but I send cyber good thoughts to you and am hoping that you may decide to stay with us. J
  • felixfelix Member Posts: 28 Connected
    Dear @Topkitten, I'm going to be honest and let you know I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to say hi to you.

    I understand what 24/7 pain is, and unsympathetic horrible doctors. I can't count the amount of times I've come from seeing a doctor and been in tears from either what they've said to me, or how they've treated me.

    I get it. I honestly do.

    And while that makes not one bit of difference to your pain or your situation, I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

    I have been fortunate enough that I used to work for the NHS and know when I'm being bolloxed or fobbed off (when I'm well enough and my brain is working). Also, that I have managed, sometimes at a scrape, to get most of the help I've needed. Though it hasn't been easy for sure, and there's still a lot to do and go through. 

    I'm so angry and upset on your behalf that you have been made to feel like this. I have been suicidal myself in my life, and I know that no platitudes make enough of a difference in the real world.

    I want to help you. How can I help you? 

    There seems to be a MH person on the forum somewhere who I think was tagged in a post above. Could talking to them help do you think? Maybe they can actually help, and speak to Healthcare professionals in your area, to help get you the help you need. 

    I know it may sound daft, and no doubt you have done this but just in case,.. when you've gone to appointments, have you had someone go with you? I was treated like **** afew times by a surgeon who basically lied to cover his underlings ass, and I took a friend in with me who I said was my carer/advocate and she sat with a notebook to write down the main points the doc was saying. Suffice to say he was a lot bloody nicer to me then. 

    It's not a magic wand by far, but it is a useful little tool. I also used it when I've had assessments. It also helps for someone else to witness and recall what's been said etc.

    Ive no doubt that you're at the end of your tether, and I'm sorry for my lengthy post!

    There must be something, some way that we can help you. I believe in that.

    By all means pm me, I've a good ear for ramblings, moans and outright shouts.

    Sending hope,

    Felix xxx
    felix xx
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    [email protected] Thank you for replying and being honest.  The trauma of pain no one knows how you feel.  I see from reading what everybody contributed and the understanding from everybody.  I have pain myself caused by my addiction.  My thoughts are with yourself and the illness you have.  No one realises that this is a topic no one wants to approach.  How do we wish to continue living if the meds do not work the body is failing.  I had several times tried to discuss this with doctors and other medical professionals.  I am a survivor and wish to live but there were times when I apologise for this talking about my own health history.  The pain withdrawing from drugs and alcohol was so bad I had to think is it worth letting go.  Those who do not know this when you withdraw from addiction body changes.  It can be  changes like sweating or tremors shakes to heart problems. So looking at this now I succeeded to come off.  Took me two years.  In between my mental state was really bad.  Had suicide thoughts.  Had the idea of a Living Will.  One thing was a still is mentally the fear of relapse and if I went back in hospital the organs failing put this in to action.  Problem is doctors breaking laws.  I will explain Living Will says to doctors to end my life if doctors agree quality of life is not good.  I believe in life but do worry am afraid of tomorrow because even though am clean I am afraid I do not know about what is happening inside.  The damage I have caused.  Sorry to everyone but I have lost all my friends to addiction.  Many were clean but something happened to them infections that caused organ failure.  Some had diseases caused by addiction and too late to save.  Some relapse some free for five years or more then relapsed.  I can see all arguments for and against the choice of life.  My issue is those who want to live and wish to have a live again but suddenly die.  Do they wished to die?  This is my worry.  Again I apologise for long story but I am very emotive about this subject.  Thank you for reading and best wishes.
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I would like to thank anyone who replied for their kind words. I suppose that, by the time I get there, I may reconsider my situation but I am already experiencing additional pain, difficulties doing things due to it and side-effects from the increase in Tramadol. I have yet to have a flare up or use the wheelchair, both of which are likely to really test my limits.

    I understand that talking helps some people but for me, recounting how I got to this point, just depresses me further. Consequently MH will not be much use.

    I am in a much better place today. Firstly I have had a day or two to get used to the idea. Secondly I did see my son Friday evening for a short time, sorting out presents with him. Thirdly I spent a little time with a young lady escort today, someone who always makes me feel special even if I'm not. Ofc it would be nice to have a proper relationship instead but I am still determined to not inflict my future problems on someone close to me. It's bad enough my family has to go through it.

    Yet, though I am feeling much better, I know I will not be able to cope with what the next few months will bring. So, my original decision still stands and for those with a positive outlook or a religious one I am sorry that I am not able to rise to your standards and, apparently, am prepared to take the "easy" way out. Although I have found that, in the past, it is anything but easy.

    @iza I am sorry but over 12 years of struggling with both the progressive nature of my condition and the lack of understanding and support by the health system has sapped my strength until I have nothing left to struggle with.

    @clusterwarrior I thank you for the offer but I tend to help others rather than accept help for myself. Daft really but I have never been able to understand or appreciate the help I am given and offered.

    @jazzylovesthis Ty for your kind words and I am sorry that you should be bombarded by my depressive attitude as your introduction to the site. It really is better than what I appear to be expressing.

    @felix I appreciate your generous offer but don't feel I should inflict myself, when I am so depressed, on others.

    @thespiceman never apologise for using your own story when talking to others. If it helps you or helps you describe your feelings then it is all good.

    Apologies to anyone who has read this and not replied for bringing any darkness to your day.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Thank for reply.  I wrote my piece on my addiction because no one wants to be like this.  I said in the piece I wrote about Living Wills I do not know the legal implications of this.  I know I did look at the idea.  No one wants to think that they wished to put themselves in an awkward position.  I have to be honest who wants this.  I can fully understand the pain and misery heartbreak about how you are.  It a emotive debate and much legislation can be entwined with the moral implications of the doctors who treat us all.  I know certain countries have been looking at this.  Please fully understand I do want to dwell on this. Besides I do not want to break any SCOPE rules on what we can sensibly discuss on this forum.  I just feel that very strongly about if and when I became too ill and all options were not explored first.  Meds not working, organs failing, vegetive state as they call it.  I think that is the right term.  What is the answer?  Please take care my friend and best wishes
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @thespiceman I too wonder sometimes what the limits are here, one day I shall exceed them and then I will know, lol!

    I was informed years ago that one European country supports euthanasia but no idea if they still do. You would have to be careful though. Anyone going with you or even giving you a lift to the airport would likely be charged as a co-conspirator in your death. So I guess it's something you can only consider whilst still fairly mobile.

    Everyone has a limit with what they can cope with. This applies to everything. For example, with the recent effects of my last increase of pain killers and further reinforced with the additional Tramadol I am currently taking I seem to be rapidly reaching the maximum my body will tolerate. Further increases may become toxic or make it impossible to functional at all. The problem that causes is that the pain levels will continue to increase but the pain relief cannot. So instead I will have to reduce my already low mobility drastically just to keep going. As it generally gets worse every 2-3 months it won't be long before any mobility will become impossible. Unlike some I haven't had my whole lifetime to get used to this or adapt to it and/or the meds, just a decade, plus I can also remember a time when I was quite capable and healthy so I don't just see what I have lost I can feel it too.

    When we exceed our limits what choice is left to us? there is also the point that why are we not allowed to make those decisions for ourselves?

    One thing I do know. If a pet animal was suffering as I do it would be put down. The alternative would be considered an awful thing to do, to keep it alive and in excessive pain. People would consider hanging someone who did such a thing. Are we worth less than pet animals?

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • felixfelix Member Posts: 28 Connected
    Dear @Topkitten,

    When I mentioned the MH on here (or anywhere for that matter), it was to float the idea of talking about MH strategies that you can use which may help with the pain etc, as opposed to talking about how you got where you are now.

    IMHO you really need to be in a pain clinic. I don't know what other meds you're on, but tramadol is perhaps only half way up the ladder of pain relief. There are many options open to you in this regard.

    Take me for example. I react to Codiene and cannot have N.S.A.I.D.s. (ibuprofen etc.) as I am asthmatic. This leaves not alot for me to try! However, my pain consultant has worked with me, and weve tried afew different combo's of drugs. Im still in pain, and get major increases in pain if I stand for too long etc. but I try to work around that. 

    I have not been in pain all of my life, but from a reasonably young age it started to creep in (~12yo). I used to run for my school, dance (badly) and then as I got older I forced myself to get through it and I worked and worked. Mostly because noone listens to you when you're between 12 and 24, and you start to wonder if it is all in your head. And, because I wanted to appear normal. Ha! What is normal anyway?!

    Like you, these past 10 years have been the brunt of it. I had to stop working, as I was spending more time off and getting into trouble for it! Now, I really struggle to get about outside without a wheelchair. Something which I'm still getting used to, especially as I'm in my home town and hate for people I used to know seeing me.

    It's a bit of a love hate thing I think. 

    You would not now nor ever would be putting upon me. If I felt I couldn't cope with talking to you for whatever reason then I would discuss it with you and seek support for us. I really feel like there are services and ideas that you don't currently have which could take enough of an edge off for a while. 

    I feel like I've been through most of the mill, and what I don't know, many others will.

    I still want to, and think I can help.

    We are your community. We are your village.

    Whatever happens, whatever you decide in the future, we are here with you.

    I'm not trying to change your mind, at least I don't think I am. That's not my aim. I guess I would just like to give you a vision of how it should be, if the people who are supposed to care actually do.

    Kitty Kat Kuddles from one Kat to another,

    felix xx
    felix xx
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Sorry @felix perhaps you should have looked a tad harder, lol!

    I have been on (at some time)....

    Naproxen and Ibruprofen - NSAID's
    and
    Cocodamol - Codeine and Paracetamol

    Tramadol & Paracetamol
    then added in Oramorph
    then added in Dihydrocodeine
    then added in Buprenorphine capsules
    (this means 4 different morphine derivatives at the same time)

    Buprenorphine patches at 10 microgrammes
    then at 20 microgrammes
    then at 30 microgrammes
    had a bad reaction at this point

    switched to Fentanyl patches at 25 microgrammes
    increased to 37.5 microgrammes
    increased to 50 microgrammes
    increased to 75 microgrammes
    current dosage 100 microgrammes

    Paracetamol taken with all patches
    Tramadol as required for flare ups (breakthrough pain)

    I have been tried on Amitryptylene, Pregabalin, Gebapentin, Nortryptylene & Duloxetine. All for neural pain but side -effects fom all made them difficult to include.

    Currently, in addition to the Fentanyl and Tramadol I am taking Pregabalin low dosage (100 mg) 3 times a day and Paracetamol.

    Unfortunately, due to using my arms properly I have had to increase the Tramadol from 2x 50mg tablets every 10 days (on average) to 6x 50mg daily.

    And still the pain is worse than it was. When I start using the wheelchair again it will go up dramatically and I have nothing left to take. Earliest GP appointment is 22nd January, with the only GP I trust.

    Perhaps there is something in this list you haven't tried yet. I think you have various options, lol!

    I have been under the hospital Pain Clinic twice. Since then they refused 2 referrals from my GP. I then was referred to the Community Pain Clinic. The doctor I saw blamed everything on my neck (which was untrue) and dismissed me as the surgery (that I am now not getting) would cure (which it wouldn't). I was still under them and asked to attend a course. When I called them to say I couldn't go they said they would look into it. That was 6 months ago and no communication since despite leaving 3 messages.

    I was under MH for 3 years. Apart from putting me on 3 anti-depressants all of which gave me horrendous side-effects they did nothing. They never interacted with my GP or helped me get one when I didn't have a GP for 3 months or interact with Social Care or interact with the Hospital to help speed up the surgical option. They did not give me any sort of therapy. The only thing they did do was to offer me a bed for 7 days which would have meant coming out exactly as I went in. I was then discharged still suicidal.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Thank you for reply.  I also agree what you say and I understand.  One of the things in my life I have had is the intolerance to meds and a lifetime of taking them.  I can understand every ones point of view on this.  I was told last operation that I had that most medical experts agree if you take meds a long time the body develops an intolerance.  I had operations on hands from a very young age till about early teens and then various others up to about my early thirties.  Seeing a doctor once told me residues of meds plus anaesthetics' leave a mark in the body..  This is I enquired about muscle aches, pain and the effects of alcohol and drugs I have been taking.  I believe had caused me pain.  I know I take over the counter meds but anything stronger will not be able to drive.  Doctor increased meds for depression but I am up to the limit.  They help me sleep but even so I still get disturbed sleep if and when get the anxiety nights and days about anything.  I also agree with you comments about your quality of life and I see a clearer picture.  The problems and distress that has been caused by medical establishment is laid out for all of us to see.  I have no cause to criticise what you intend to do.  I am not like that.  I am a simple person who has a faith and uses it to help him self.  I use my own stories to share and enlighten others.  As we all do on this community.  All of us have a life and want the best from it.  My points raised on Living Wills and euthanasia I hope I have not offended any one.  I just think what would any of us do in this awkward position of going on with life if all options are explored. I hope to speak to you soon take care my friend and best wishes.
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I've tried reading and replying today but doing very badly. I know I should be stronger but now, after last week, even the slightest thing is like the hammer of Thor, mashing me into the ground. Everything I read just depresses me further and I don't have a single good thing to say.

    Not eating properly, not sleeping properly, not doing the things I usually do, not sorting Xmas stuff out and having issues with my bowels are all taking their toll. When I went to pick up my repeat meds yesterday I got into a panic when they said the patches weren't available. They said they would be delivered today and fortunately they were but, because of the panic, I didn't check what they did give me and they have forgotten something. Not something major but I am worrying already if they are open tomorrow and what I have done with their number. If take the Tramadol enough to get by I am having hot and cold flushes because I am not used to them any more. I also get nauseous and can't sleep until exhausted. If I don't take them or only take them on bad days then I get more problems, can't stay awake and start shivering. When awake I am chain smoking trying to settle myself then I start coughing and it all goes round again.

    Earlier this year a young lady escort I saw was obviously unhappy and felt trapped into doing it. I tried to help her and then got messed about and accused of trying to take advantage of her for what she was suggesting I do? I have always thrown myself in helping others and then got treated badly or taken advantage of. However, it did give me the idea of at least dating again, if only to meet people and have a bit of fun. That was when I joined Outsiders. That didn't go so well as they don't vet the people they accept at all and some guy ripped into both a young lady and then me, so I left. I did make contact with 3 ladies who all seemed nice but all (I thought) lived too far away. Still I figured online friendships would be fine. After I left one has continued to keep contact going and so I figured it was worthwhile to actually meet, just in case there was more to it. It meant really pushing my driving limit and staying overnight. However, as soon as I suggested it she started backing off. I didn't push things and we agreed to meet not before Xmas as she originally suggested but in January. Things went back to normal until today. I have been offering dates in January and she has avoided picking any so last night I pushed a little asking if she really wanted to meet or preferred to stay as it was. She said she wanted to meet and would sort a date out today with me. Instead I got a 'Dear John' message stating she has met someone local and it is going well. This sort of thing seems common now. Arranging multiple dates and picking the best. Never figured I wouldn't even get the chance to meet though.

    I wrapped the few presents I have today and now I just want to chuck them all in the bin along with all the Xmas stuff and just disappear until it's over. With the hospital issues, trying to raise a complaint, dealing with medication problems, trying to sort the house out and do all the daily stuff and now this further disappointment is all far too much without some sort of support.

    I should never open up to people, they aren't worth it. Today's society seems to be based on 'using' others just to benefit themselves. Self, self, self.

    What is the f***ing point!!!!

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Thank you .  I am here to listen.  I am of a generation that does listen.  I do get it what you are saying.  Life has never been easy for any of us.  I am here to listen I am not self centered and I know I am do go on a bit about myself.  I feel a rapport between me and you and do get what you have been through.  I could go on about my issues with dating can fill an exercise book with that topic. Your experiences of what you have been through I do get that as well.  Why can life be simple?  Every time I see a ray of light then my hopes and dreams are dashed on to the rocks.   So sending a message of support and hope for the future.  I am trying like you to stave off these feelings.  Get days of down and moods up and down.  So hang in there Take care
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  • Neil2017Neil2017 Member Posts: 157 Courageous
    Hi @Topkitten
    Sorry to hear you were a bit down yesterday.

    Yep the mad world of dating and relationships seems so tricky to navigate nowadays and I thought it was meant to be easy.

    So many questions or criteria it could be more boxes than on Noel’s Deal or No Deal to check. Do you date or meet someone who is mikes away if you think it is going to be difficult to travel to, cost you a lot or maybe even give delay hassles? Then there’s the multi-dating stuff. Keeping in touch as online friends, the mixed signals and changing emotions. No easy feat.

    Just got to try and take it in your stride so suppose.  As nothing ventured is nothing gained. 

    All the best
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I had no intentions of dating. I would certainly never get interested at that level online. I have to meet someone before I even think about it. The intention, on my part, was friends but it seems that wasn't what she was thinking. I did feel it a little and that was why I suggested meeting. To be pulled into a dating circle with the 'best man wins' attitude is a disgusting trick to pull on someone. I always thought a disabled lady would be different. More understanding of the situation. Evidently not. Women cannot be trusted, especially not with a man's feelings.

    I have lost the whole day sleeping only to wake up feeling no better. Pounding headache, leg complaining, et al.

    I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I am having trouble focussing and typing so if this seems muddled I apologise.

    Outwardly, to the people around me, I appear to be doing better. I have been using 2 sticks again so my mobility appears better. I have been going out and even got through Xmas better. I am doing absolutely nothing to advertise the additional problems the sticks are causing me except to take more medication and to blame some issues on having to get used to it again.

    Two weeks after my world fell apart because I lost the surgery I feel more than ever that it is pointless going on. The pain is so bad it is keeping me from sleeping. I haven't slept at night 3 nights out of the last 7. Due to the movement difficulties, the medication muddleness and the sheer pointlessness I cannot stick to my normal medication regimen and either take too much too fast or forget to take it at all. Despite this what I am going through now is minor to what I will suffer when I use the manual wheelchair again.

    Only one thing is nagging at my resolve. My son, unknown to him, is finally giving me a reason to keep going. Ever since the bad news he has been going out of his way to see me. Even to the extent of bringing his friends round with him. I hate the idea of letting him down.

    I can't function though and my MH issues are racing me downhill, getting worse as they go. I got caught by a speed camera a few weeks ago and the letter arrived just before Xmas. I cannot even cope with filling it in and sending it. I desperately need to put in a complaint but again cannot push myself to getting it done. I have an appointment with my GP but the soonest I could get was 22nd January and I was given that date the Friday before Xmas.

    Little, if anything, is going right. Lots is going wrong. Even my usual coping mechanisms aren't coping and the tiredness from the sleeping issues is driving me crazy. I cannot even face going to bed because the covers laying on my leg aggravates the pain. So I end up dozing in my chair from time to time. Sometimes when I wake up I don't even know where I am.

    Life (what a stupid use of a word) is abysmal and getting steadily worse.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Sorry what is happening.  Now my thoughts and words are not going to be a comfort or be a help I understand that.  All  I know I hear hurt and pain.  Been up myself early this morning getting really bad dreams and periods of the blues.  Most of this week.  It is not about me it is about you but it is about also being there to support each other.  I am very sorry about things and like every year I am millions of us another year.  What is the point.  The struggle, the misery, the heartbreak of fighting for every little problem comes a long.  I hate this time of year find every thing does not change.  By way I understand got ticket for speeding just have pain in feet when driving.  Always slow any way.  My excuse took feet off pedal and forgot on a hill,  Did not see speed camera not going fast slowly down hill.  Still got caught.  I have to admit.  It was my fault but these things happen in my case threes.  In my life never had a smooth ride I am related to Frank Spencer or Victor Meldrew.  Accidents, mishaps faults obstacles crash all around my head.  I am sure that has happened to you as to others.  I hate this.  I am still plodding on.  Being Life President of The Grumpy Old Man club life never gets easier it is getting a struggle.  Regardless of what the Mental Health Charity I have had just left told.  I hate well detest yesterday all those people chirpy, cheery and upbeat in your face about Christmas.  Can not wait to tell how marvellous and wonderful it is all.  The fantastic time going on repeating the same story to people in the shop recounting time after time.  All I wished to do is to ram his head into something solid like a brick wall.  Belt up and wake up.  I am not a horrible nasty person.  How many times ?  I am not going to bang on any more about anything.  I just wanted you to think that don't you think others feel the same way as you.  I am one.  I have to go on I wish to turn back clock for a happy life but I am stuck with this one.  Always love talking to you and please take care.  I am sorry if I went on too long about me sorry.  I do but I had to explain. lol
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I understand @thespiceman but, like my spine, I am too old. The reason for my problems is that my spine is ageing too fast. At age 50 it was in the same condition of someone 90, now of someone 110. This is why I am losing everything that ever meant anything about myself.

    I've been married twice and both times to bad people and so both marriages went bad too. I finally had a chance at a real relationship until my condition took it away. The 3 children are scared of me and what is wrong with me and it took away 1 daughter for 2 years and would be a long time to try to get her back. She got married and didn't want me there. My other daughter sees me little. She now has a partner of over a year and I didn't know that either. My son does care but, until recently, made little or no effort. It is only him I fear for.

    I'm an anachronism, a man out of time. The values I hold and believe in no longer exist. We live in a world where no one cares and no one even wants to do things properly, especially at work, and rare it is indeed that people are different. Those that are different tend to be like us. What I need from life I cannot have and what I need from people I cannot have and the only way I could even have a part of a relationship again would not last long, would tear them apart and then tear them away from me in a few years at best. If I live to mum's age then I have 24 years more of this and worse

    Yes, I could try to live on but what for? Life must have a meaning or it is meaningless. There is little I can do for myself or for others now and soon even that will be gone and then what?

    I suffer 12 conditions both physical and mental. I live on medication, food is an afterthought when I can both deal with it and be bothered with it. Most of the time I have to force myself to eat. I have little fun now and soon that will be gone too.

    Apart from sparing my son pain what is there for me? I was a little older than him when my father died so I know how much pain it causes. Compared to that how much worry and pain will I cause over the next 24 years. They will all be better off without knowing they have a miserable and crippled father that they feel guilty about not helping enough for all those years.

    I may drag this out a little for my son's sake but, in real terms, my life is already over.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • CockneyRebelCockneyRebel Member Posts: 5,257 Disability Gamechanger
    Good morning TK

    It is oftem said that we are made up of mind body and spirit, our bodies may be failing but but we still have the two mysteries of mind  and spirit.
    The values you hold are imortant in this world, some of us still hold those values dear and we need to keep the collective pool of these values as full as possible for as long as possible.
    Little is known about how the mind works and even less about spirit, even if it exists. You have proved on here that you are both intelligent and eloquent, maybe you should be exploring and developing the two.non physical gifts that we have.
    This will not replace the giving in you but may provide a purpose for you.
    I cannot tell you how to go about this, it is a difficult path to take as there are no maps, for me , little clues come at the most unusual times and places. Sometimes a phrase spoken "rings an inner bell " within me but you have to be open to "receive". Some people receive through religion but this is not the only way.
    Sorry for the ramble

    Namaste

    CR  
    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • AlexAlex Scope Posts: 1,324 Pioneering
    Hi everyone,

    A few comments have mentioned about the Scope rules on this type of conversation.

    We want people to feel free to talk about their feeling and emotions on this site. As seen on this thread - this gives other members the chance to listen, share their own experiences, and provide support. That is exactly why Scope runs an online community.

    We also need to keep users safe and make sure the content on this site is legal. This means we would remove content that encouraged people to take their life or provided information about how to end their life. This type of content could have a dangerous impact on other users. If you spot this type of content, please flag it to us.

    I hope that makes sense, let me know if you have any questions. We will update our guidelines to make this clearer.

  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Thank you for reply.  I am here for you and hear the pain, sorrow and all the rest.  I must apologise this morning just got to me sometimes when I have a bad day and night.  Take as you do pain meds.  I am aware of this country has happened the uncaring society and all the rest.  I said about Christmas and the holiday well it is over people.  I do not mean to rant on.  I feel for you and the situation you are in.  Please can I say I admire your guts and attitude to life.  Not being patronising see I always look on web forum for your insights into life, knowledge that you share.  Also others I look for as well.  I find your outlook on life yes it is negative and I can understand this.  I need some days to more positive.  Get to me some times the demeanour of people outside.  In the comfort of our home can share and contribute what the evil, wicked world is doing to old fashioned gentlemen like me and you.  I will admit have had the feelings you are experiencing myself in the last few years.  Some how feel there is some one out there looking out for me.  Do not ask me who?  Had the usual therapy and the rest.  What now?  I am as said before have no family and those who you call family are estranged.  It is as I said to some one this week you come first not them.  If they want to be part of your life it must be on your terms not theirs.  I am lonely and as I said this is my only comfort is speaking to good guys like you and the community.  Did the best thing ever scrubbed all the so called fairweather friends off my mobile.  They only ring for what they want.  Do not care for me.  I get more support and advice on here from the likes of yourself and the community.  Hope to speak to you soon take care my friend 
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Alex   Pleased to meet you.  Thank you for the rules around this chat.  I have to answer the guy because I know he is an important part of our community.  Also I feel I have to try to understand.  Plus I like anything he has written and has helped me with valuable insights of dealing with certain aspects of my life.  Just find this here hard to get my head around this chat.  Some of us have these feelings and emotions and have got therapy and help.  I am always willing to hear and have total respect for the guy.  Thank you   Hope to talk to you again.  Find it hard to express my feelings he has said talking about many consider a taboo subject.  Take care
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I had a meeting arranged with a young lady in the hope of snapping back at least a little. However, last Friday I ordered some repeat meds and an hour before she arrived they were delivered. Well, some of them. The main one ofc is missing and the delivery guy didn't know anything about it. I have no idea when or if the patches I use will arrive but it would take a massive amount of tablets to cover for them if I don't get them and an equivalent amount would be a massive OD. Things are now going to be tight now whether they will arrive before I run out.

    I did not need more problems at a time like now and it has spoilt the day. Despite the afternoon meet I am lower than ever. I did try to get into things but my heart wasn't in it. I just feel completely bereft and let down again.

    I have no idea whether I can get through the night. Between the worry and the disappointment I feel like someone has stuck a knife in my stomach and is slowly twisting it. What on earth do I need to do to get even minimal support.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I think the only thing that kept me going last night was the thought of how hard it would hit my son. No sign of the missing medication today and no phone calls either. I had no energy to contact anyone. I was supposed to go out this afternoon, instead I just slept. I have been through a number of posts today and tried to reply to one or two but there is a harshness inside which is making me less accepting right now so it's best I don't reply too much anyway. Still haven't got any of the stuff done that I have been trying to do for weeks but simply cannot face any of it. Just feel dead inside.

    I suppose that just being here is an achievement though.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Three days and it has hit me again. I was supposed to play Bridge today and before that go to a meal which was our held over xmas meal. All I did was sleep. Even though I was awake this evening I didn't feel up to going to my meditation session. I thought I had set up something with one of the ladies I met recently for a couple of weeks time too. That has also collapsed. Nothing is going right.

    I did go to the disability centre on Wednesday and. although I suffered badly, survived but was completely worn out when I got home. I am not sure because my memory doesn't work properly but I remember each visit being more and more painful and difficult so I will see how things go. I predicted this so I shouldn't be too surprised should I. Yet, I am, I always hope that my bad predictions are wrong but they are unerringly right.

    Tonight..... I was going to put (or at least try) into words how bad and low I feel..... I really cannot express how disgusted I am with myself and this pathetic body that takes so much from me and allows me so little.

    What is the point in keep trying?

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Sorry I have not been back to you for a reply.  Do you need a listening ear.  I wonder sometimes.  I respect your wishes and views and opinions.  Sometimes though I feel that you are crying out for some sympathy.  I am here to listen and I need to tell you I have been on the receiving end of a friend who had these thoughts, feelings and the emotions.  I do understand you know probably more than you think.  Imagine the scene my phone rings not during the day but anytime nighttime especially.  I am disabled too and he lives about hour maybe away.  Has the same as you lots of pain , lots of issues and problems with his disability many due to old age.  No family just me a friend he connected with at a disabled charity come twenty years ago.  Time long ago.  This why I need to reply because I see him when you send your posts in.  Recalling the times I had to go in the car many many times in the middle of the night because he was suffering.  Stayed most nights into early mornings.  Trying to help and assist this gentleman much as I could.  I feel the hurt I was their in his house, helping, cleaning, shopping, being a friend and much time as I could.  He tried social services and they and him both had shall we say personality clashes.  I only stayed not only I was lonely and so was he. He had these thoughts and I was worried sick to the extent that I had to try to discuss this to some one else.  I caught in a rock and a hard place.  Then I realised that no matter how much he wanted me to help he suddenly turned on me one day.  Lack of sleep the drugs I was drinking so was he and the I saw the light.  I was never going to have a life.  Both of us resented each other and I had to get a grip.  For a lad like my self to go on it was hurting and I shall say this it was killing me inside.  Remember I had a life at the time my own house.  I was signing on and doing a course for qualifications again.  All of this effected me mentally.  Also my disability was getting worse.  So one day I had to say sorry I can not do this.  Anymore I told in confidence a counsellor what I was doing and how can I cope.  The memory is still there.  Everytime I see him I see you.  I am not going to say what he did next What he did to me was a selfish act and I had guilts for years and years.  I know it effected me mentally and made my addiction worse.  I had a purpose in life and spent far too long with good guys with you who I try and regard as friends.  It is not easy to be with some one you know has this mindset that he wants to do the evitable.  I do understand because I was at the end of his verbal spat of depression and misery.  It is early hours of the morning most people would have ignored his phone calls.  So there I am in jimjams and coats and shoes barefooted no socks just shoes.  Travelling to his house again.  I can see me going in had a key and he on the floor drunk in squalor , mess and the rest.  Spent the day previous tidying up. Getting the house sorted now this.  He a big bloke me skinny trying to get this guy my friend sorted.  It is a lot of hard work.  I am and still think of him.  Even though he hurt me many times.  I understand you say what is the point but it is people like me who are left to reminisce and remember those who have done what he did.  I am not going to say the word but in the end I can and do feel the suffering and pain remember others hurt too.  Best wishes and take care and I hope you do.  I am sorry for long post I had to say this story.  I had to.  Thank you for reading 
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    edited January 2018
    I have waited over a moth to see my GP. I explained the issues with the medication and that the two really necessary ones react badly with each other and that I had to reduce one to help it work a little better and that the extra one for flare ups isn't working. He decided to change the strength of the one I reduced to put it back to the old level and that was it. No other ideas or suggestions and no help whatsoever. I couldn't cope before and add to that I have been let down.... yet again.

    Why do I bother!!!!

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 128 Courageous
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I can't change surgery any more, I've been through them all in the area and this guy at least has tried to help in the past. Trouble is that it is beyond a GP to sort it out but the Pain Clinic claim they have done all they can and refuse referrals. Short of moving to a completely new town there isn't much I can do.

    I am struggling this evening and, in conjunction with other bad news, it is all falling apart again.
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
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