Suicidal thoughts - Page 2 — Scope | Disability forum
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Suicidal thoughts

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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Sorry what is happening.  Now my thoughts and words are not going to be a comfort or be a help I understand that.  All  I know I hear hurt and pain.  Been up myself early this morning getting really bad dreams and periods of the blues.  Most of this week.  It is not about me it is about you but it is about also being there to support each other.  I am very sorry about things and like every year I am millions of us another year.  What is the point.  The struggle, the misery, the heartbreak of fighting for every little problem comes a long.  I hate this time of year find every thing does not change.  By way I understand got ticket for speeding just have pain in feet when driving.  Always slow any way.  My excuse took feet off pedal and forgot on a hill,  Did not see speed camera not going fast slowly down hill.  Still got caught.  I have to admit.  It was my fault but these things happen in my case threes.  In my life never had a smooth ride I am related to Frank Spencer or Victor Meldrew.  Accidents, mishaps faults obstacles crash all around my head.  I am sure that has happened to you as to others.  I hate this.  I am still plodding on.  Being Life President of The Grumpy Old Man club life never gets easier it is getting a struggle.  Regardless of what the Mental Health Charity I have had just left told.  I hate well detest yesterday all those people chirpy, cheery and upbeat in your face about Christmas.  Can not wait to tell how marvellous and wonderful it is all.  The fantastic time going on repeating the same story to people in the shop recounting time after time.  All I wished to do is to ram his head into something solid like a brick wall.  Belt up and wake up.  I am not a horrible nasty person.  How many times ?  I am not going to bang on any more about anything.  I just wanted you to think that don't you think others feel the same way as you.  I am one.  I have to go on I wish to turn back clock for a happy life but I am stuck with this one.  Always love talking to you and please take care.  I am sorry if I went on too long about me sorry.  I do but I had to explain. lol
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    I understand @thespiceman but, like my spine, I am too old. The reason for my problems is that my spine is ageing too fast. At age 50 it was in the same condition of someone 90, now of someone 110. This is why I am losing everything that ever meant anything about myself.

    I've been married twice and both times to bad people and so both marriages went bad too. I finally had a chance at a real relationship until my condition took it away. The 3 children are scared of me and what is wrong with me and it took away 1 daughter for 2 years and would be a long time to try to get her back. She got married and didn't want me there. My other daughter sees me little. She now has a partner of over a year and I didn't know that either. My son does care but, until recently, made little or no effort. It is only him I fear for.

    I'm an anachronism, a man out of time. The values I hold and believe in no longer exist. We live in a world where no one cares and no one even wants to do things properly, especially at work, and rare it is indeed that people are different. Those that are different tend to be like us. What I need from life I cannot have and what I need from people I cannot have and the only way I could even have a part of a relationship again would not last long, would tear them apart and then tear them away from me in a few years at best. If I live to mum's age then I have 24 years more of this and worse

    Yes, I could try to live on but what for? Life must have a meaning or it is meaningless. There is little I can do for myself or for others now and soon even that will be gone and then what?

    I suffer 12 conditions both physical and mental. I live on medication, food is an afterthought when I can both deal with it and be bothered with it. Most of the time I have to force myself to eat. I have little fun now and soon that will be gone too.

    Apart from sparing my son pain what is there for me? I was a little older than him when my father died so I know how much pain it causes. Compared to that how much worry and pain will I cause over the next 24 years. They will all be better off without knowing they have a miserable and crippled father that they feel guilty about not helping enough for all those years.

    I may drag this out a little for my son's sake but, in real terms, my life is already over.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • CockneyRebel
    CockneyRebel Community member Posts: 5,209 Disability Gamechanger
    Good morning TK

    It is oftem said that we are made up of mind body and spirit, our bodies may be failing but but we still have the two mysteries of mind  and spirit.
    The values you hold are imortant in this world, some of us still hold those values dear and we need to keep the collective pool of these values as full as possible for as long as possible.
    Little is known about how the mind works and even less about spirit, even if it exists. You have proved on here that you are both intelligent and eloquent, maybe you should be exploring and developing the two.non physical gifts that we have.
    This will not replace the giving in you but may provide a purpose for you.
    I cannot tell you how to go about this, it is a difficult path to take as there are no maps, for me , little clues come at the most unusual times and places. Sometimes a phrase spoken "rings an inner bell " within me but you have to be open to "receive". Some people receive through religion but this is not the only way.
    Sorry for the ramble

    Namaste

    CR  
    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • Alex
    Alex Posts: 1,305 Pioneering
    Hi everyone,

    A few comments have mentioned about the Scope rules on this type of conversation.

    We want people to feel free to talk about their feeling and emotions on this site. As seen on this thread - this gives other members the chance to listen, share their own experiences, and provide support. That is exactly why Scope runs an online community.

    We also need to keep users safe and make sure the content on this site is legal. This means we would remove content that encouraged people to take their life or provided information about how to end their life. This type of content could have a dangerous impact on other users. If you spot this type of content, please flag it to us.

    I hope that makes sense, let me know if you have any questions. We will update our guidelines to make this clearer.

  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Thank you for reply.  I am here for you and hear the pain, sorrow and all the rest.  I must apologise this morning just got to me sometimes when I have a bad day and night.  Take as you do pain meds.  I am aware of this country has happened the uncaring society and all the rest.  I said about Christmas and the holiday well it is over people.  I do not mean to rant on.  I feel for you and the situation you are in.  Please can I say I admire your guts and attitude to life.  Not being patronising see I always look on web forum for your insights into life, knowledge that you share.  Also others I look for as well.  I find your outlook on life yes it is negative and I can understand this.  I need some days to more positive.  Get to me some times the demeanour of people outside.  In the comfort of our home can share and contribute what the evil, wicked world is doing to old fashioned gentlemen like me and you.  I will admit have had the feelings you are experiencing myself in the last few years.  Some how feel there is some one out there looking out for me.  Do not ask me who?  Had the usual therapy and the rest.  What now?  I am as said before have no family and those who you call family are estranged.  It is as I said to some one this week you come first not them.  If they want to be part of your life it must be on your terms not theirs.  I am lonely and as I said this is my only comfort is speaking to good guys like you and the community.  Did the best thing ever scrubbed all the so called fairweather friends off my mobile.  They only ring for what they want.  Do not care for me.  I get more support and advice on here from the likes of yourself and the community.  Hope to speak to you soon take care my friend 
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Alex   Pleased to meet you.  Thank you for the rules around this chat.  I have to answer the guy because I know he is an important part of our community.  Also I feel I have to try to understand.  Plus I like anything he has written and has helped me with valuable insights of dealing with certain aspects of my life.  Just find this here hard to get my head around this chat.  Some of us have these feelings and emotions and have got therapy and help.  I am always willing to hear and have total respect for the guy.  Thank you   Hope to talk to you again.  Find it hard to express my feelings he has said talking about many consider a taboo subject.  Take care
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    I had a meeting arranged with a young lady in the hope of snapping back at least a little. However, last Friday I ordered some repeat meds and an hour before she arrived they were delivered. Well, some of them. The main one ofc is missing and the delivery guy didn't know anything about it. I have no idea when or if the patches I use will arrive but it would take a massive amount of tablets to cover for them if I don't get them and an equivalent amount would be a massive OD. Things are now going to be tight now whether they will arrive before I run out.

    I did not need more problems at a time like now and it has spoilt the day. Despite the afternoon meet I am lower than ever. I did try to get into things but my heart wasn't in it. I just feel completely bereft and let down again.

    I have no idea whether I can get through the night. Between the worry and the disappointment I feel like someone has stuck a knife in my stomach and is slowly twisting it. What on earth do I need to do to get even minimal support.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    I think the only thing that kept me going last night was the thought of how hard it would hit my son. No sign of the missing medication today and no phone calls either. I had no energy to contact anyone. I was supposed to go out this afternoon, instead I just slept. I have been through a number of posts today and tried to reply to one or two but there is a harshness inside which is making me less accepting right now so it's best I don't reply too much anyway. Still haven't got any of the stuff done that I have been trying to do for weeks but simply cannot face any of it. Just feel dead inside.

    I suppose that just being here is an achievement though.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    Three days and it has hit me again. I was supposed to play Bridge today and before that go to a meal which was our held over xmas meal. All I did was sleep. Even though I was awake this evening I didn't feel up to going to my meditation session. I thought I had set up something with one of the ladies I met recently for a couple of weeks time too. That has also collapsed. Nothing is going right.

    I did go to the disability centre on Wednesday and. although I suffered badly, survived but was completely worn out when I got home. I am not sure because my memory doesn't work properly but I remember each visit being more and more painful and difficult so I will see how things go. I predicted this so I shouldn't be too surprised should I. Yet, I am, I always hope that my bad predictions are wrong but they are unerringly right.

    Tonight..... I was going to put (or at least try) into words how bad and low I feel..... I really cannot express how disgusted I am with myself and this pathetic body that takes so much from me and allows me so little.

    What is the point in keep trying?

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten Sorry I have not been back to you for a reply.  Do you need a listening ear.  I wonder sometimes.  I respect your wishes and views and opinions.  Sometimes though I feel that you are crying out for some sympathy.  I am here to listen and I need to tell you I have been on the receiving end of a friend who had these thoughts, feelings and the emotions.  I do understand you know probably more than you think.  Imagine the scene my phone rings not during the day but anytime nighttime especially.  I am disabled too and he lives about hour maybe away.  Has the same as you lots of pain , lots of issues and problems with his disability many due to old age.  No family just me a friend he connected with at a disabled charity come twenty years ago.  Time long ago.  This why I need to reply because I see him when you send your posts in.  Recalling the times I had to go in the car many many times in the middle of the night because he was suffering.  Stayed most nights into early mornings.  Trying to help and assist this gentleman much as I could.  I feel the hurt I was their in his house, helping, cleaning, shopping, being a friend and much time as I could.  He tried social services and they and him both had shall we say personality clashes.  I only stayed not only I was lonely and so was he. He had these thoughts and I was worried sick to the extent that I had to try to discuss this to some one else.  I caught in a rock and a hard place.  Then I realised that no matter how much he wanted me to help he suddenly turned on me one day.  Lack of sleep the drugs I was drinking so was he and the I saw the light.  I was never going to have a life.  Both of us resented each other and I had to get a grip.  For a lad like my self to go on it was hurting and I shall say this it was killing me inside.  Remember I had a life at the time my own house.  I was signing on and doing a course for qualifications again.  All of this effected me mentally.  Also my disability was getting worse.  So one day I had to say sorry I can not do this.  Anymore I told in confidence a counsellor what I was doing and how can I cope.  The memory is still there.  Everytime I see him I see you.  I am not going to say what he did next What he did to me was a selfish act and I had guilts for years and years.  I know it effected me mentally and made my addiction worse.  I had a purpose in life and spent far too long with good guys with you who I try and regard as friends.  It is not easy to be with some one you know has this mindset that he wants to do the evitable.  I do understand because I was at the end of his verbal spat of depression and misery.  It is early hours of the morning most people would have ignored his phone calls.  So there I am in jimjams and coats and shoes barefooted no socks just shoes.  Travelling to his house again.  I can see me going in had a key and he on the floor drunk in squalor , mess and the rest.  Spent the day previous tidying up. Getting the house sorted now this.  He a big bloke me skinny trying to get this guy my friend sorted.  It is a lot of hard work.  I am and still think of him.  Even though he hurt me many times.  I understand you say what is the point but it is people like me who are left to reminisce and remember those who have done what he did.  I am not going to say the word but in the end I can and do feel the suffering and pain remember others hurt too.  Best wishes and take care and I hope you do.  I am sorry for long post I had to say this story.  I had to.  Thank you for reading 
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    edited January 2018
    I have waited over a moth to see my GP. I explained the issues with the medication and that the two really necessary ones react badly with each other and that I had to reduce one to help it work a little better and that the extra one for flare ups isn't working. He decided to change the strength of the one I reduced to put it back to the old level and that was it. No other ideas or suggestions and no help whatsoever. I couldn't cope before and add to that I have been let down.... yet again.

    Why do I bother!!!!

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 126 Courageous
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    I can't change surgery any more, I've been through them all in the area and this guy at least has tried to help in the past. Trouble is that it is beyond a GP to sort it out but the Pain Clinic claim they have done all they can and refuse referrals. Short of moving to a completely new town there isn't much I can do.

    I am struggling this evening and, in conjunction with other bad news, it is all falling apart again.
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.

Brightness

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