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Need support to get my nephew to school

finley2406 Member Posts: 2 Listener
edited January 2018 in Education
thank you for letting me join, I need to ask advise I have part custody of my nephew who is 11, he was badly abused both physically and emotionally by his mother, we have had him for 6 years now, he got through infant school fine, but we cannot get him to go to high school, he has attended high school with a lot of difficulty and tears from both parties, but this last week he point blank refuses to go! Social services and others are involved!! Help needed please 


  • iza
    iza Community Co-Production Group Posts: 528 Pioneering
    Hi @finley2406, sorry to hear all. 

    Let me ask @IndependentSupportServices to assist you here. 
    Please can you advise @finley2406 how to help properly educate his nephew. 

  • Geoark
    Geoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,384 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @finley2406 and welcome to the community.

    While many children cope well with the transition from primary to secondary education it is still a transition and one that some children find difficult for a variety of reasons.

    While the problem has obviously been escalating, hence the involvement of others, you don't mention if this has been a problem from the beginning or one that has developed, or if he has given any reason why he is so reluctant to go to school.

    One thing I am sure you will agree with is the current situation cannot continue and those others involved will have his best interest at the centre of what they are doing. With regards to Social Services these can be a mixed bag. They can be very helpful, but even in these days I have seen social workers who quickly resort to lines like - do what I say or we will remove the child. Hopefully  something that no one is considering at this point. 

    If your nephew has not been able to open up to you why he is so reluctant to go to school is there someone your nephew might trust enough to talk to, who you can trust too? Something I learned years ago with children like this is if you can take them out of the situation, which is stressful, and into one where they can relax it can become a lot easier for them to open up.

    Alternatively, our daughter has aspergers and we had no idea how bad school was for her until I discovered she was able to express her feelings in writing. It was a hard lesson for me as it was at a time when my relationship with her was difficult and her feelings towards me were not nice. I mentioned this to her senco and suggested the next time she had kicked off they give her a pen and paper and ask her to write down what was wrong. It was an eye opener for everyone.

    In short I guess what I am saying is that at the moment things seem very confrontational and stressful for your nephew and it would help if you can find a way to take the confrontation and stress out of the situation where he can express himself without fear of confrontation, judgement or fear, it might open some very useful doors to help sort this out for you both.

    Hope this helps.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • finley2406
    finley2406 Member Posts: 2 Listener
    Thank you, you are right we did have a social worker who threatened to bring the police, because he gets angry and acts out, and he would be removed, I was not happy about this and it made my nephew worst as he had become terrified of them, I know this will not last forever but I just need help to get through it and want him to have a happy childhood from now 
  • Geoark
    Geoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,384 Disability Gamechanger
    @finley2406 because what your poor nephew needs right now is more major disruption and removed from a stable home.

    One thing I would suggest is to ring the NSPCC helpline and see if they can help or signpost an organisation closer to you if not. They work very differently to local authority social workers, working with the family. 

    You could also ask your doctor to refer him to the local Children and Adolescent Mental Health services (CAMH). I suggest this for two reasons. 

    1) he is an abuse survivor and that can bring up issues from time to time.
    2) it would help in a number of ways, including helping with his anger issues and possibly dismiss any underlying causes which might have become more prominent with the transition to secondary education.

    'I just need help to get through it and want him to have a happy childhood from now'

    I really hope you acieve this. As a father of a aspie girl it was what I wanted for her but school beyond reception class was pure hell for her. Most of my time with the school seemed to be acting more as her advocate than a parent. To the point where at one point I had to tell two of the support staff that I expected them to behave as professionals and if one had information that the other should have I expected them to share for my daughters benefit. I also threatened to bang their heads together until they understood this. Fortunately I had a good relationship with both and respected them both, so in part they took it in good humour but also accepted their behaviour had fallen short of what was expected. 

    There is little worse than seeing your child hurting and not being able to do much about it. 

    @ParentingAdvisorVikki any advice?

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • IndependentSupportServices
    IndependentSupportServices Member Posts: 54 Courageous
    Hi @finley2406

    Does your nephew have any diagnosis of special educational needs (SEN) which are stopping him from attending school? If so, your local Special Educational Needs Information, Advice and Support Service may be able to help. You can find them by doing an internet search for 'SENDIASS' and then your area. They will be able to provide information about local support services.

    The looked after children (LAC) team in your area should be able to advise and support you also. Your social worker can give you those details.

    I agree with the poster above who suggested requesting a referral to CAMHS as his mental health will need to be assessed and supported.


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