Mental health issues
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Life sux...... again

TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
edited February 2018 in Mental health issues
I often wonder why oh why do I bother. I struggle from day to day. I get through the worst days and somehow come out the other side then, without fail, someone stabs me in the back.

Monday was a difficult day. I went to the disability centre and when I got home I was suffering. When I get like that I can't keep track of medication and was convinced the patch needed changing Tuesday morning. Looking back I think it might have been needed Monday. Monday evening I slept for 4 hours which is quite unusual. Stayed awake for a few hours then slept again. Tuesday is a blur. Sleeping for a while, awake for an hour or so then sleeping again. This went on all day. Too ill to do more than go to the toilet I missed tablet medication, didn't change the patch, didn't eat or drink just stayed in my chair. Finally around 2am Wednesday I was so ill and so depressed I just cried and wanted to die but I didn't even have the energy for that. I did manage to get up around 8:30 am, put a patch on, take my tablets and go to the centre again. When I arrived I finally had something to eat (first food since 4pm Monday) but had the shakes and felt really cold until lunch time. By the time I got home I was doing better and expecting my son round late evening. Then my son cancelled on me.

Last week I had a big fuss with 2 ladies I know online. It turned out that one tried to poison me against the other for no real reason. It ended badly in the end with me supporting the latter and having to cut off and block the former. Tonight, I tried to contact the one I still had contact with hoping to arrange a meeting up. Now I find out that she has lied to me about something important and appears to have done what she was accused of in the first place.

Why is it that when I place trust in a woman she turns me over for money or a guy or for no reason whatsoever? It has happened all my life and each time I try to get out of the negativity I get hammered into the ground and it starts over.

Now I feel sick and gutted inside. The original accusation was definitely false because I checked it out carefully but now it seems that neither was any good because they both treated me like s**t. Is it any wonder I keep insisting on staying single? I begin to wonder if it is me or whether there isn't a single trustworthy woman on the planet!

Having dragged myself out of Tuesday's depression I am right back deep in trouble again. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life not trusting anyone. I'm not that type of person.

I have pulled out of 2 MEETUP groups. One I used a lot but felt like an outsider and 1 that I could never arrange to go along to anything because of how it was run. I think there was a lady who liked me in the former but it's best I never meet her as I couldn't trust ANY lady right now. I have stayed in the meditation group for now and I will continue to play Bridge once a week (assuming I get through tonight) and I may or may not go to the group run by MIND though I may instead simply can that and go to the centre again. At least the centre is safe there is absolutely no woman in the age or health range to interest me. I am certainly better off spending time with my own kind.

If I can get some sleep then maybe I will start over tomorrow. If I can't sleep.......

TK
"I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.

Replies

  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Oh @Topkitten I am sorry to hear you are having such a rubbish time :(

    It is hard when we feel betrayed by someone we have put trust in, but there are caring and genuine people out there, so please don't give up on everyone.

    It is also really hard to motivate yourself to go to a group or a social event when you are feeling down, but it is important to try and keep going so do think about what groups you would like to go to the most and try to go to at least one.

    It concerns me to hear that you arent eating properly, you need to take care of yourself, not eating is really going to have a negative effect on you.  

    Regarding your medication, is there anything that can be put in place to help you remember when you need to take tablets and apply patches? Perhaps a dosette box or could the pharmacy put them in packs with dates and times on?

    I know you are really struggling, but you are such a valued member of our community and it is always nice to chat with you.  I know you have seen all the mental health support we signpost to, but please do remember that there are places to go for help in calling the Samaritans on 116 123 just for a chat.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @Sam_Scope , I can't put the patches in a tablet box simply because they are far too large at the dosage I take (around 3 inches by 2 inches). I do have a reminder on my phone but it is getting messed up by the patches not lasting 3 days like they are supposed to. If they don't and, because I only have enough to use every 3 days, the dosage drops too low then I crash and lose all sense of time. I usually have a good grasp of what needs to be done with medication but the crashes are robbing me of the ability to really assess and resolve.

    Food is continually a problem because I am banned from having care (reasons elsewhere recently) and I cannot carry food using two sticks, cannot use a wheelchair indoors and risk falling over using one or no sticks. I have fallen over twice recently trying. Showering on my own is also a nightmare. Either I try to reach parts of me I cannot or I only wash 1/2 to 2/3 of my body. Sleeping is difficult as the quilt is too heavy now that I am in more pain than usual so sleep in my chair (usually badly if at all) but that means I have a sleepless night a couple of times a week. Standing or sitting at the sink to wash is also problematic due to the extra pain. Dressing is relatively easy compared to the other problems though undressing is more difficult without bending, something else I need to avoid due to extra pain.

    Almost ALL my problems with daily living come down to a system that won't give me the help and support I need. I did see the GP last week about the meds but it was a complete waste of time as he did nothing.

    The crashes and lack of food and sleep are leaving me completely blank when it comes to trying to think through and find solutions to the problems. Not sure I have a way forward left open to me.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten   I thought I would let you know reading your posts.  Just an idea.  Why not buy a slow cooker.  This I used my self of those days, if I am really ill, down, depressed or feel not very hungry.

    I have two small one for singles.  Great put meat in if frozen check to defrost here.  Add stock cube plus tin toms or jar sauces be better for you.  Has onions and spices , herbs etc.

    Cover and switch on.  Takes 4hrs slow setting or med 5 to 6 hrs.  High setting 3hrs.  Easy peasy then you can have much as you require.  Microwave the rest.  Soup.  Use microvave pyrex dishes.

    I have problems with carrying stuff.  Although I have found recipes and use kitchen equipment that is easy to use.

    I have days of low tolerance and patience as well and I have been trying to explain on several posts.  I understand you more than you actually think.

    So I know in my life eating I have to do this and plan if and when I need to.  The system has let me down as well remember that.  I suppose we are like brothers from another mother.  I know am on my own here and yes am you struggling with these thoughts.

    Been up half the night in pain yes I get all this.  On over counter meds.  Feeling lonely and cold wandering around the rooms.  Watching TV nothing on.  Really what can I do.  Falling in chairs even floor one time.  So tired of life just put pillow on floor with a blanket over me and fell a sleep , eventually.  Scared of my own bedroom might die alone in bed.

    Had relationships and friendships.  All gone.  Who wants me and all that.  Get over I say some thing has to change.  Come 4am on line reaching out to any body I can talk to, do not have the words.

    So here I am in a lonely cold house and bed.  Lying there and thinking and the thoughts and feeling of the day creeps forward.  I can do this I do not want this and realise that I have to get myself out of this.

    I am not point scoring here what you have I have as well.  Just trying to cope with these emotions of the life I have and why me lord?

    So my friend I did not mean to out pour my little grievances and little itches and annoyances so there it is.  I have to say I have total respect for you.  Remember you have a friend here you would like to share and talk and comment about anything you wish.

    Always here to listen, because I am a simple old fashioned gent who is acknowledging what you are going through and at least probably one of the members of the forum who really knows you better than you think.

    I know you will read this well that's a good thing you wrote to get it off your chest.  I am not really interested in you but me.  I do not care, can not be bothered to read this.  I can see you saying that.  

    That is the impression I get when you reply to my posts.  If you want to get angry with me go ahead but I am stating what I see and feel from your posts.  If you wish to hurt me I can face more pain.  Getting used to that.  I know that.

    By way I am not a nasty, horrible, self centered gentleman.  Do not have it.  All who know me say I am a doormat for others and get walked over.  I see my self as a kind, support, considerate guy.  Who has great enormous respect and well being for people on this forum who I have met..

    I am honest about my self.
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
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  • sleepy1sleepy1 Member Posts: 299 Pioneering
    Hi Topkitten
    Hope you are feeling better today, sending you BIG HUGS. Some very good advice has already been given but I will chuck in my 2 pence for what its worth.

    From reading your posts it sounds like you have suffered enormous stress this week because of people you trusted letting you down.  That is not your fault but just a fact of life, human behavior can be very strange at times and unless someone has lived in your shoes they will never really know the full story.

    Leave them to get on with their own s**t and focus on the things you can and want to do for yourself rather than ponder why other people don't get how difficult things are.  I too have been inflicted with a rare "condition" that no one seems to know much about.  Tried the morphine patches but could not cope with the unpredictability of when they might kick in or the sickness when they suddenly did.

    Do you have a wheelchair?  I use mine indoors as a trolley to transport things around and something to hold onto (more useful than 2 sticks or a walking frame).  As for eating, in an ideal world we would all like to have a very nice nutricious meal to scoff everyday........But when you have no appetite it is not that easy!  A little bit of what you fancy wont do much harm ; )
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Ok, I have read all these fairly quickly so forgive me if I miss anything or get the wrong end of the stick.

    I have tried meals on wheels but am fussy with food and was not happy with the food or the service, let alone the cost to eat things I didn't really like.

    I cannot use either wheelchair I have because my place has corridors and doorways too narrow and wooden plinths, also in the doorways, too high for me to get over. I have an electric scooter but cannot get indoors, not even to charge up, because I don't have a ramp to the front door. I have asked for a wheelchair friendly place and for a ramp but was refused both because I can walk a little. I can't push a trolley because of both not having a hand free and the plinths.

    I know how people are now. How selfish and self-centred they can be but this doesn't help me deal with being inundated with emails trying to prove it's my fault for letting go of everything.

    I have dropped out of almost ALL the stuff I was into trying to get out more and, instead, have spent 3 days instead of 2 at the centre. Not only do I feel happy there I am respected and have a hot meal provided. Going 3 days is too expensive to maintain long term but it gives me a break for now.

    @thespiceman I don't object to the emails but I do, if I am honest, find it hard to relate our experiences because despite making mistakes especially with women I had a good and happy life for almost 50 years. It is the loss of that destroys my faith in life and the future. My children are grown up, basically healthy and basically happy. I doubt I could have done better. I have ALWAYS said I don't expect or want them to dedicate their lives to my continued existence but it would be nice to see the girls a little more.

    Life has kicked me in the balls repeatedly and each times I have got up and taken the next kick but we all have limits. Right now I am exhausted by simply getting up and moving about. I have no way to move forward and get no help with that either. If I at least had that I might have something to look forward to. Even my lifeline of spending time with disreputable women is under threat with my latest health changes so now I have nowhere else to turn to except to things I don't believe in. My batteries are run down and there is no replacement or charger in sight. If I had maybe been able to go on a date or two then I might feel different but, like everything else, that failed miserably.

    I think that is where the problem lies. I am not just lonely and in pain, I am miserable too.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
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  • sleepy1sleepy1 Member Posts: 299 Pioneering
    Hi Victoriad

    I agree with much of what you say but think we should be more content living with our own company rather than looking for that needle in a haystack "soulmate" that may just end up causing even more problems.

    Perhaps it is just me but having previously found and lost said "soulmates" in the past it is not worth all the hassle when you get older IMO.
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten   Thank you for reply.  I have this morning understand every thing you have been saying.

    One of my support workers asked me ages a go to write my life story out.  So I did had some baggage .  My phase the suitcases of hell.  Every one has a suit case of baggage containing there mistakes, mis judgements and errors.  I have had enough so I did.

    Every morning as now wake up seeing these bulging folders in my face was heart breaking.  When it really got to me.  Got a shredder and did the lot good that done.

    Always all of us in the community have had experiences of lost loves, soul mates who have gone ,relationships missed that was the one.  You are not alone in this.

    You have a lot to give and say this with heart and yes having relationships with escorts as you stated if that does help you.  So go for it.   Good luck to you.  If I am critical sorry.  I had just experiences of other peoples trust in them. 

    One good thing I read from your posts is the love and warmth you receive not from only me but others in to the community.  Who share also your insight into life and all that it is.

    I will admit I see things I wish I had children.  I wish my mother had not been so controlling and a bully.  Being honest and open about my relationships with ladies.  Being and having an addiction history hiding it with the one you love and finding it out.

    I wished my mother in that respect stop being a stupid, silly woman come to understand that if I had a relationship with a lady there would be a package involved.  Often with children and all the duties, attention, care that involved my love and compassion for the child as it was my own.

    Life has not been really easy for you I know that nor me.  All of the past time wasted with the medical professionals I understand that.  Recognising the issues and problems.  I recall the days of paper files in my surgery and the thick files of medical history.  All too evident.  Something now has changed that I need to say I am a more positive person and acutely aware of failings.

    I know can be some things sending you a load of critical stuff and next time sending a load of sympathy and well being.  A lot of this is my mental state.  The truth is there is all of us get lonely and miserable and depressed.

    Elvis Presley was asked once how close is the image to the man.  Very close he replied.  Every one has a image that they portray to the outside world and to people, close friends and family.

    Every thing OK I am fine, great, fantastic do not bother me.  Had a grin on my face.  This was me for twenty years plus yet inside suffering with addiction, hiding it from my girl friends and friends.  Plus the mental side I know I had problems.  Discussing stuff personal not easy now.

    All I can say this is helping is it not.  Talking on here.  So I will wait and know that you will reply.  I am willing to listen, hear you and be in my thoughts, prayers.  First thing this is silly and daft we will never meet but I send a prayer to you.  On the forum see what you have written to me and others.

    Huge wealth of knowledge and expertise.  You have I am not being patronising here.  If I am sorry.  I had these feelings and thoughts and even still do.  In my head.  Especially about the end of life and can not shift it.

    Then come on here on all the pain, misery depression starts to lift gradually for a few hours at least.

    Thank you for being a friend.  Take care.
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
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    Recipes
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Ok, trying to get it right this time. If I had a pound for every time I've said that or apologised I would be very rich indeed, lol!

    @Victoriad I am a very different person face to face. I laugh and smile a lot. I am confident and enigmatic even. Whether I am standing or in a wheelchair I become someone everyone wants to be around. Proof of this you will find further down this reply.

    @sleepy1 Being happy with yourself is never really enough to keep going forward on. It does get you through a day time after time but gives you no reason to do that year in year out. Just the idea of not being alone, however, can provide that sort of impetus.

    @thespiceman Don't take this the wrong way but if you were a woman you would be thought of as a gossip constantly wittering on about this and that, lol! Do you know, I wonder, why I find it difficult to read and really take in what you write? I don't know if it is just me or whether others feel it too but the pain and suffering that comes through can feel devastating to others and isn't ameliorated by your limited positivity. If there is one thing I could do for you it would be to cloud your mind and reduce the pain you remember to give you at least a little peace. If it helps you though by all means continue and don't think I am suggesting you stop.

    Ok, let me explain now why I have gone through the escort route because I am sure some, especially those with religious bias, must consider me a mad and disgusting old fart, lol!

    In 2005 I was waiting for major surgery and in a relationship with a lovely lady 15 years my junior who had 2 boys (8 & 10). Whilst we differed on some things we were very compatible. We were still adjusting though as we had lived together little more than a year. I had to make a hard decision because somehow I knew that even if the surgery went well somehow I would not (true as it turned out) and I pushed her away and she left. During the next 8 years I actively avoided female company beyond friendship and carefully evaded 2 women who wished for at least a little more. Then something happened that changed things.

    A lady I had seen a few times living next door but one I finally spoke to at a jubilee celebration of some sort. This is when I found out she was single as I had assumed she wasn't. One summer evening, sitting in the garden, she called out over the fence asking if I had any bottled water. I won't explain why this came about but we ended up sitting in the garden talking for a couple of hours. She had brought a bottle of strong drink (I couldn't drink alcohol) which she demolished at a fair rate and got very drunk. She then asked to use the toilet so I explained it was upstairs and where it was. When she came down she wore just a bath towel, tied in front, which flapped about showing just her birthday suit underneath. Her explanation? "I went to the toilet and all my clothes fell off". Please remember this is a completely true story. By now it was 10pm and she just kept on trying to get me into bed. Finally, at 2am, I gave in hoping to sleep. Ofc she had other ideas and the inevitable came to pass. It turned out she was an alcoholic and this was standard for her but she didn't know because she never remembered anything the next day. I stupidly told her exactly what happened and this was a disaster. In the end she was once again drunk, tried to bed me again and, when I refused, called out an ambulance. I had the ambulance crew, a paramedic and the police all questioning me assuming I had raped her. However, it did all blow over once the truth came out but it left me even more depressed and scared of people and just generally in a bad way. It did though finally awaken my interest in women again by some perverted method.

    For the next couple of years I began to think of dating and everything else but totally terrified of doing anything about it except to ask out a young lady at the disability centre I attended. The problem was she was too young but the only one even near to a dating prospect. She declined naturally. I was in private therapy at the time so I talked to my therapist about this wacky idea I had. Seeing an escort to prove to myself I was still a man. She actively encouraged me so, being pretty much stuck at home with carers, I arranged first one then another to meet me at home. I got ready with the help of the carers and even told them why I was dressing up. The first was an eye opener because I expected someone at best average, overweight and not the sort of lady most guys wish for. The lady that arrived was gorgeous with a great figure and married with a young child. My nervousness was difficult to overcome but we did finally go to bed and, although I didn't orgasm, I did perform fairly well. I was 59 and she was 38. Because I didn't orgasm I tried again. This time she was 25, a little plain but again with a lovely figure. Also, which I found very strange, her driver who brought her, waited and took her home was her boyfriend. This time it went fairly quickly and I did orgasm so I felt wonderful about myself. Due to the cost and mum's health it was almost a year before I tried again but this time decided to visit as well as see at home.

    Now, how the system works is that you make a booking and this allows you to comment on how things went. You can even write a long report including the details, though I only gave really good field back comments the first 2 times. What shocked me was that both gave me very good feed back also. Having good field back is very important on the site I used if you want to meet more.

    After mum's death I finally got some of the money and now had a different idea. In my youth guys used to sleep around a lot and most of my mates did so. I never did. I wasn't the type I guess. Over the last 2 years I have tripled the number of ladies I slept with in my first 59 years, which was 9, and became a bit of an addict I suppose. In every single case my feed back was excellent and so much so that a couple of ladies have sought me out to find out why it's so good, lol! In my defence I had 2 reasons for doing this. First and foremost was to learn how to pleasure a woman. Second was to overcome agoraphobia all on my own. I have been successful at both. I have, on 3 or 4 occasions, shown an escort things about her body that I used to make it good for her that she was unaware of. I can also now walk into a crowded pub to meet with strangers. Going to visit a young lady in a strange place and even an area I had never been in helped, the carrot being the sex I would receive if I did so.

    So now I suspect people will think of me as boasting. I don't boast, I simply relate the facts.

    Now at least I could date if I wanted and I know I could pleasure a lady even one who maybe is so disabled she figures she never can be and THAT was something I have striven to be able to do. However, in any success story there is a problem or a failure. In my case, and this will probably sound very strange, it is that I have been too good at what I learnt. Escorts are not used to being the object of a meeting. With very few exceptions all the guys think of is what can be done for them and the ladies just either do what was arranged previously for the guy or what they are told to do as they go along. What is required is controlled by various safety measures to make sure they will not be asked to do something they don't like and to keep them as safe as possible. This doesn't always work and I have heard a few horror stories but generally it does.

    The escorts are ladies of all ages from 18 to 70+ (I am not kidding, some are that old). They, on the site I use, are all independent so there is no forced labour or sex slaves or anything like that to worry about. They are, for the most part, very experienced and vary in physical details enormously ranging from plain to gorgeous, from size 6 to 18+ and even some BBW (Big Bodied Women) and ethnically from all walks of life and religions (even Muslim). They are all though doing it for the money and the rates are quite high though do vary considerably by area. Some work full time others work part time to pay for living expenses, college or university and other reasons like wanting plastic surgery. So they are, in fact, just ordinary people.

    Now, as I said, my feedback is excellent simply because I put their enjoyment ahead of my own and all this has caused problems. One lady tried to turn me into a boyfriend (she was 31). One lady wanted me as a "Sugar Daddy" (She was 25). One complained if I saw anyone else (She was 28). One gave me all sorts of problems when I decided not to see her again (She was 47) after she started asking me about dating and offering to do anything I asked even stuff she wouldn't normally do. Recently one tried to poison me against another who I let slip I was seeing (she was 42). Currently another is almost begging me to keep seeing her when I decided not to (She is 30). One I have seen a few times has hinted about how nice it would be to have someone like me around when she decides to stop (She is 29) and finally every time I meet with one lady she starts talking about us going out as friends for dinner or for New Year celebrations and so on (She is 38). I have had to deal with all this despite saying in my profile that I want none of it. It isn't that it wouldn't be nice to see some of them and their history doesn't worry me but going forward I will not be able to keep them happy because I will not always be able to do what I do now.

    When I meet these ladies I come across as strong, confident, happy, funny and very experienced not at all like I am seen online, lol!

    As I said, face to face I am very different I just cannot generate that sort of personality through screen and keyboard, which is probably why I never do well on dating sites. Using such sites though is the only way I could meet someone though as I cannot get about and do the things I used to. Nor do I have the friends to do it with like I used to either.

    I guess I really am a sad and disgusting old fart. :smile: 

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten   Thank you for reply.  I must admit taking that on the chin.  Yes I go on a bit about what is bothering me.  Yes I do witter away I thought this over.  
    I am a very lonely gentleman from a time long ago.  I have had addiction issues and this has effected my train of thought.  I wake up lonely I go to bed lonely.  Please can I ask how many people do you see every week.  Not to have to speak to any body at all.

    You say in your long sometimes very long but I like reading them posts.  I am a miserable lonely man well are you?  How really lonely are you  I am though last person spoke to couple weeks.  Going to tomorrow to help a friend out house sitting.  Get nervous being in his house.

    Yes you have your escorts and the rest but are you actually alone.  Go to disabled clubs and the rest.  Are you alone there.  In my case I am really alone.  Speaking personally.

    I agree in talk in riddles have some days no idea what I saying or doing.  Get triggers of people who I have met and it like a record in my head.  Going around and around.

    Have to check like now what did I say or do ?  I can not remember writing that.  Signs in my opinion of my mental state going down hill.

    I need to talk especially as I need to say.  I even had this many times waking up ranting and raving.  Can you watch Movies, films as they used to be called.  I get disturbed by many of them.

    Can not watch violence, bullying, intimidation in films.  Scenes of brutality and harm to women.  Turned off a film just now a lot of menace.  Getting quite emotional.  All childhood trauma.

    This I have to do turn off TV getting to me.

    This is what this for this forum please remember this.  To help those like myself in the community who need to talk, have a voice, debate, challenge views and opinion.

    Please can I ask you I wish you to just sit and ask yourself a question what is it like for others to hear your stories.  Some times in graphic detail.

    Ask yourself another question imagine living in a household growing up where you were not allowed to speak or talk with out permission.  Think about that for just once.  Your Mother or Father call them Ma'm or Sir totally controlling.

    That was me.  Every day.  What has happened now is that it is still always there.

    I had a life time of therapy.  Yes I am in pain mentally and am honest about it.  I wish you could understand others like me.  Yet I fear my words will vanish from your mind into thin air.

    Life for those like me is a nightmare yes I prattle away especially Weekends and just think for one moment how I live.  

    When I come on here I appreciate the kindness and love and warmth from a family who I have never really experienced.

    All I know I have to speak and talk right now or when ever it has to be.  I can be in bed and the feelings, emotions hit me.  You discuss your feelings and emotions quite openly.  Which is great that is how it should be, please do not be critical of others till you understand that person.

    Especially those who right now are very vulnerable and have certain emotions and feelings.  That I can not discuss for fear of not only embarrassing myself.  I have consideration for others.

    Who may be reading and wish them no harm.  I wish all the time never to upset any body on the forum..

    So I hope you please take the time to understand what I am saying.  I have the patience, tolerance to respect and read other people posts.  If I can help will do so.  Offer my support and kindness.

    Take Care
    Community Champion
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I have always said I am completely open and honest, often too much of both. I don't apologise for stating facts and on here what others say of me is very true. What I wanted to point out is that face to face I am a completely different person. I have always been so. Quiet and introverted in private, loud and extroverted in public. Most people like the outside me, very few like the inside version. I have often wondered if I suffer MPD but there is a lack of obvious evidence to either prove or disprove the theory.

    @thespiceman I go through phases of being alone or being with people on a physical level. Mentally I am always alone because I don't let people in. The people I meet never ever become more than acquaintances. Simply because I don't let them.

    I trust people completely and then wait for them to prove themselves unworthy of the trust. They ALWAYS do. If you think numbers are important then I will give them.

    I have a cleaner I see once a week most weeks.

    At the disability centre I meet 20 or so disabled clients and carers but I have only started going there again for the last 3 weeks. Prior to that I didn't go at all for over 3 years

    When I was using MEETUP I suppose I got to know a dozen or so people. Most of whom I couldn't even remember the name of.

    The Bridge group I have been going to for 6 months has a regular turnout of 8-10 people. Again I couldn't tell you most of their names apart from the guy I partner each week.
    .
    Every other week on average I attend a meditation class. Not only can I not remember their names I couldn't begin to describe them

    The group run by MIND has between 15 & 20 people who attend. I don't go every week as it depends on me parking close enough. Despite attending for over a year I can probably remember 4 or 5 names.

    I have no friends, not a single one. No one to trust that is worthy of it. No one to talk to about anything and everything. No one to feel close to. I help a lot of them with their problems though. Being in a crowd of people and not really knowing or trusting any of them is more lonely than being at home on my own. It has taken me 2 years to slowly build this up from not going anywhere at all and only seeing my cleaner. However, I do not feel close to her because, like so many others, she has hinted often about me making more of things on a private level.

    Why women think that if they are interested in me I MUST be interested in them I don't understand. In fact quite the opposite. Nor do I understand why, when they get turned down by me, they cannot deal with it and refuse to see me further. As a man I have had to accept that and yet still remain friends all my life and just live with it. I am nothing special. I know this to be a fact. Why others cannot see this I can only assume to be because they look only at the outside.

    @Victoriad 50 shades was too pathetic for me to watch and bears no relation to the real life version. It's just imagination and from someone who has never experienced the real thing. My son is well into all that and I did experiment but found most of it disgusting even in real life (or is that especially?). I repeat this is only the last 2 years and was to make up for what I missed out on as a teenager. As I will not get into a relationship again and as I will lose the ability completely in a year or two (maybe sooner) I have "made hay while the sun shines", lol! There is, as I said, one positive to come out of it though.

    @DannyMoore I completely understand your perspective and figured what I typed you would find offensive. I have no problem with that and tbh I expected a more vitriolic response. You and I think very differently and, though it would probably do me good, I will never feel the way you do about religion and belief. That is my loss and your gain. However, I never apologise for relating the truth as I see it. My comments of others is often aimed at making them think more and to show how others view them. No offense is meant though it is often taken. I cannot help that, I am the way I am. Honesty is supposed to be a good thing but complete honesty can be hurtful. I always try to limit myself just short of that but it is a hard thing to do sometimes and I do get things wrong. I am only human.

    Should I, by some weird chance, ever meet someone and fall in love again I would give myself to them in every way they wanted and would do so for life. That's old fashioned but how I think. What that rather graphic story showed is that I can change myself into someone a little more sensible around women and that I can be different from the person all here think I am. Life is about constant change and, if I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing because it has had such a profound effect on me for the better. If I could only do something about this intolerable loneliness I feel especially when I see many people around me apparently losing theirs. Then I remember that they tell lies and only speak the truth when it benefits them in some way. That they stab people in the back to others and that they say and do nice things to people who really need to hear the real truth. The closest I can come to that is to lie by omission and leave out some things that I could say. Complete honesty is a burden. Faced with a choice of letting in disingenuous people or feeling constantly lonely I will opt for the loneliness every time.

    TK (TomCat)

    P.S. I actually think AlleyCat might be more appropriate.
    P.P.S. Sorry spice but it's really long again. I waffle far too much. It's an age thing I think.

    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Whatever I do or don't do my life will continue to get worse. That is a fact I have lived with for a decade. I have a unique problem that has no name, no treatment and no cure. Nor will there ever be any of any of them. Another fact. Doctor's are frightened to treat me properly because A) it takes too much of their time and B) they have no previous game plan to follow. Consequently they do little or nothing as evidenced by my most recent visit to the surgery. If I cannot figure out a treatment the GP will do nothing and I will get worse faster and in more pain than ever. Far more than I can possibly cope with.

    I see people with normal or even abnormal diagnoses and envy them because they will get treatment. I cannot, under current circumstances, think straight long enough to figure a solution and until I do I won't get help.

    I manage with no help at home, little and now no help from the GP and, since xmas, no help from the hospital. The so called Community Pain Clinic have also washed their hands of it and I am not even allowed to go on any courses so cannot learn anything useful from the medical profession at all. I have a high IQ trapped inside a lump of meat no longer allowing it to function. I am past the point of not coping and past the point of desperation. I am running on empty and stubbornness. All of the happy smiles and laughing and joking are a façade because I have no future good or otherwise.

    There is no happy ending there is only miserable and unending pain running out of control. All my estimates of years are looking more like months. Once I am stuck in a wheelchair permanently I have to move, have to stop going out and yet will still not be allowed carer help. Tell me please how life can improve at all if I end up in a wheelchair this year instead of 5 years from now. If that is how it plays out then next year I will be confined to a bed.

    Under the circumstances why should others opinions bother me? No one understands anyway.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten   Thank you for replying.  I have had a morning to reflect and muse and also sitting here watching the drama unfold.

    I am talking in riddles again.  I do not understand neither do you what exactly you are saying here.  I see a load of contradiction and I know before you say it not true but it is.

    Understanding what people on the forum are debating about a range of subjects is not only being worthwhile to the person writing.  They seek advice and support plus any views, opinions..

    I am in pain and I sit here day after day looking at what people are saying.  Read maybe two or three times.  Then I make a decision can I help and advise.  Can I offer comfort, solace.

    The point I was trying to say about loneliness is that you see people.  Do you not?  I was reading your posts you do a lot, yes but you again see people whether you wished to talk.  That is your choice.  I do not believe you go to support groups do not talk.  Have a cleaner who helps do not talk to her.  Ladies have sex with do not say anything then.  I think my humble opinion that you say you are introverted from my point of view I do not think so.  I think you are only kidding yourself.  Not only that but in my circumstances I do not see or speak to any one.  I mean that.

    When I talk to you see to be blind but can see,  can be not listening, but can hear, be dumb, but want to utter words that make no sense.

    I agree with you put a front on give people what they wished to hear.  I see then I wonder why are you introverted .  May be you need to look at some solutions to help yourself mentally if you feel like that.

    You say you have issues with medical professionals.  You need to step back and ask yourself why am I having problems.  Having been born with a disability and becoming in my families eyes an attention seeker.  I knew I had issues and problems that I need to address.

    All people in these professions are amazing, fantastic, grateful and supportive.  If you want to help yourself much as possible.  I have experiences of bad doctors yes I had my run ins.  It helps to be polite, kind and being aware of what you needs are.

    A lot of this can be dealt with by going an looking at courses on line or community colleges.  I will admit they are daunting but worth the experience how to get want you wish for.  Also just one minute on this subject my case history is enormous and irks me to see when I visit the hospital or doctors the amount of health history I have.  Plus one final point there are Advocacy Services which will represents you interests.  You have to be polite and respectful.

    Not only do I see people here picking up the pieces of your life and sorting it out.  You seem to reaching for what exactly for and need.  I have and many others poured their love and respect, tried to understand.  Hitting a brick wall.

    I need to day for you to sit back and try to relax and this is the point every body who is concerned for your welfare.  Whether you asked for it or not.  You have put into place your own parameters and barriers.

    This is the parable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.  This is a excellent story one to compare ones life with especially yours.  I am not being nasty but this is what I am receiving.

    One minute it is help me look at me I am dying like my friend long ago who sounded a lot like you.  Then next minute poking and jabbing a finger at all and sundry.  Laughing behind a mask or veil does not work.

    My friend who had suicidal thoughts did all what you are doing.  I have said before come come quickly going to kill myself tonight.  So off I go jimjams and spare key get there and he is wide awake alive and more a less making a mockery.  Then one night he had a bust up with me on the phone.  He always rang him, I used to ring then I got all the misery etc.

    He kept doing this and imagine me going all the time.  Having mental problems myself as well.

    I got angry and annoyed remember I was ill myself.  So I did not go .  I found out on the Thursday he had killed himself but had rang me on the evening but I was out.  Ironically at the Doctors.  Set off a lot of guilt and other problems.

    Also had another friend who had these thoughts like yourself.  At every turn he was making himself ill and losing friends except me.  One day he had a visit from a daughter he never knew.  Life started to change.  Went to therapy.  One night came off the bus walked off the bus into a path of a car and was killed.

    He had spent so much time wanting to die and now wanting to live then that.  These are two stories that I have in my head and I file away.  Only tell when some one like yourself needs to be aware.

    I was trying to make you understand what you are doing not only to me but others
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @thespiceman Contradictions? Sure. I am full of them. This is the problem with anyone trying to help me or analyse me. When alone I am one thing, around others I am totally different. It is impossible to understand or analyse a chameleon.

    My intelligence also works against me. Religion is the food of the masses but I cannot believe in something that is based not in science but in contradictions and all religions are. I have read the bible and there are so many things to support a story but so many that don't also. The contradictions are woven into a mysticism and that is something that, to me, makes no sense.

    Like you I was completely shut off from others and thought that by getting out and seeing people then life would improve. It didn't. Instead I am constantly faced with people with dubious aims and surreptitious aims and actions. All out for what they can get and prepared to do and say anything to get it. I find no solace in it, just sadness that the world is as it is and has no room for someone like me.

    With doctors I understand things they do not, I see things they will never see and I experience things they will never understand. I am constantly misdiagnosed because I do not fir into one of their little boxes and despair of their lack of interest in discovering the complexities of something new. They try to treat me with old and established regimen which I can see will have little or no effect because that is what they always do. In the last 12 years I have only met 2 doctors prepared to embark on such a new course of diagnosis and treatment. Alas I lost both of them. Now, if I do not figure out how to treat myself then I get no treatment at all. Yet still, every 2 or 3 months, I get worse and the pain goes up and I can do less. Today, as an example, the medication ran out early and I slept until 10pm. Unable to eat, drink, medicate or do anything. This is the second time in a week and yet when I saw the doctor he did nothing whatsoever to help me. Why should I respect someone who will not do his job properly simply because he doesn't understand.

    What no one here recognises is that I respect the views of some ahead of my own but I still do not know them so cannot fully trust anyone I don't know. So many times in the past I have trusted and been let down. Maybe I ask too much of people, maybe I ask too much of myself, who knows?

    I put things like I have here to rant at the world, a world that has treated me badly in so many ways. Yet, the treatment occurs because I allow myself to open up to others.

    How do you know the real colour of a chameleon?

    My rules?

    People cannot be trusted until they prove themselves worthy.
    People engage me in conversion to find out what they can get from me.
    The more people talk, the less they say.
    Online people only speak due to anonymity.
    How people say things is more important than what they say.
    I can only judge people properly when I can see their faces because only then can I discover their true reasons.

    I "trust" a handful of people here but they must accept me for who I am not who they would like me to be.

    TK (AlleyCat Extraordinaire)
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • sleepy1sleepy1 Member Posts: 299 Pioneering
    Hi TK

    Hope you feel better getting all that off your chest.

    From reading "your rules" I don't understand the reason why you would even want to converse with people on here because that contradicts most of your rules!

    You also say you have been unable to eat, drink, medicate or do anything.  Yet you have somehow found the time and energy to locate your computer and constantly type away........mainly about problems you have had concerning  woman you chose to employ from websites (having broken your own rules).

    Just an observation and sorry if it sounds harsh but if you were really as disabled and in as much pain that you claim to be in, why on earth would you even contemplate looking for a new love interest?









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  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @sleepy1 a very good point and please criticize away. I am not looking for a love interest, I am looking for friendship. Generally women do not want just friendship unless you are prepared to consider more. I make friends far more easily with women than I do with men so that's who I tend to contact. It's a crazy world that I live in.

    In terms of pain levels I can sit in my recliner (where I sleep most often) and as I am now, with my legs raised and this laptop balanced on the arm of the chair and type and contact people. Only other option would be to do the same from my bed. At least my pain is kept to a minimum. Getting up and walking about causes massive increases in the pain so food, drink and toilet breaks are put off as long as possible. Food wise I have gone 4 days without food at one point (and I mean no food at all), so a day or two without is so simple and easy as to be nothing to even think about. However, I am a man with ALL the female interest I have always had so want sex (as almost all of us do). What I want is no complications though so I tried escorts to avoid love interest (THAT didn't go as planned though, lol!). Ask any other man on here how much they would put themselves through for sex and you will find most agree with me.

    I have no REAL friends. I have a lot of people who are acquaintances but may think of me as more. I can't help that because I don't trust easily.

    People always ask me how can I be in so much pain and still function? What else would I do? Give up, go to bed and stay there forever? I have tried suicide a number of times. Whether I failed because I didn't really want to die or because I am completely inept or just bad luck I cannot say but I have tried and even tried seriously (hence the coma I put myself into). My children want me to give up trying which is why every single day I fight with the impulse to get it over with. I have discovered that it is possible to function at some level no matter how much pain you are in and I have been doing that for 12 years. Now I function with pain levels similar to those caused by 8 slipped discs plus I have another equivalent to another but this time in the neck. I try to get people to understand that they could too but too many see pain as the end of the world. I despair when I see someone complaining that there world is over because they now have to take Cocodamol all the time. I have been there and done that. It is not only possible to lead a relatively normal life at that level it is also possible to consider a good future. I try to show them that no matter how bad things seem, if you don't give up, it can get better or at least they can.

    Having slept all day and woken at 22:00 there is not much else I can do but to go online or just vegetate in front of the TV. I responded to 5 or 6 posts, mostly offering suggestions. I also went on the site I use for escorts because I am helping someone on there who has been through the PIP route and is fighting a serious problem at age 30. I have eaten 2 jam tarts and a mince pie, not much else in the house I can manage until I put my teeth in. I have made 2 coffees as well. Because I slept so long I couldn't sleep at all last night after I finally woke up. Simply put I needed something to do to, if nothing else, distract me from the pain.

    All I did with my last post here was to show people how difficult it is to get close to me and how difficult it is to understand me. Hell, I am intellectually supposed to be a genius and I don't have a clue about myself! It started as a rant and people offered advice but I have been fighting so long that, no disrespect intended, I have tried everything people suggest. I can't help it if I don't come across well when I try to explain that. Believe me, if I could find something that works I would be doing it as much as I can, which is why I now do Yoga and believe in spiritual energy. I HAVE TRIED.

    I don't want to be pitied, I just want things to be easier for me. With support from the health services I could get that but they won't make any REAL effort. They just consign me to the "unhelpable" group and move on to the next person. I don't expect life to be fair but it would be nice if I got a little support instead of the zilch I get at the moment.

    I am NOT an easy person to get on with. I have always said so and always meant it. I can though give the impression of getting along with people. I didn't figure I needed to do that here though. I thought people here would prefer to find and get along with the person I really am.

    If that was wrong then I apologise, something I have gotten very good at.

    I am completely open and completely honest which I understand can be hurtful at times and which I hide by not saying too much too often. Believe it of not but I respect everyone and understand usually better than they their limitations simply because the one thing in this world I am REALLY good at is other people. Understanding them, responding to them, reading them (even in typed replies though not quite so good at that). I never complain about criticism because I know I am off the wall and imperfect in so many ways and probably deserve it. What I can be though is a good friend, fiercely loyal and always giving. Nor do I really care if I get abused for doing so, which has happened a lot in the past.

    If people want me to I will keep stum about my own issues and will not start threads like this in future, just resign myself to the fact that no one really wants to know ME.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    edited February 2018
    I am well aware of that and accept it but it is still a long way from what I call "mysticism".

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • sleepy1sleepy1 Member Posts: 299 Pioneering
    TK
    I truly hope you find that special friendship you are looking for but in the meantime please get your b-side out of your recliner try and eat something..........otherwise what is the point!

    Huggies  S1


  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Oddly @sleepy1 I think to myself "What is the point" ALL the time. As the medication has settled down I have managed to eat today, that is until I got a letter from the doctor. He is putting me back onto a medication he took me off because of the side-effects. His reason? It is cheaper for the surgery. So now I am back to "What is the point" again.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    edited February 2018
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  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @DannyMoore

    The community is a supportive place and we welcome discussions and appreciate when members take the time to answer.

    Topkitten is sharing his thoughts in his own post and if members want to respond then that is up to them, if you don't want to talk to this member, you are welcome to leave it and spend time on other posts.

    If anyone has issues, you are free to let us know on [email protected] and we are happy to chat.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • AlexAlex Scope Posts: 1,324 Pioneering
    I'm now closing this discussion to further comments. 
This discussion has been closed.