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Preparing to Die
CockneyRebel
Member Posts: 5,258 Disability Gamechanger
Do you have a plan in place for when you die ?
Not something we want to think about but following a recent conversation with my wife what are the things your partner needs to do ?
What do you need to do if your partner goes first ?
Having made a will is a good start but what else needs to be done ?
Who do your need to tell ?
Do you have a pension ?
Do you have insurance ?
I am putting together a to do list of all the things that need to be done so that it is as easy as it can be for my wife.
Although I hope that it is many years away, preparing now can relieve some of the stress for your partner or yourself
being buried at sea with your partner dancing on your grave is not an option
CR
Not something we want to think about but following a recent conversation with my wife what are the things your partner needs to do ?
What do you need to do if your partner goes first ?
Having made a will is a good start but what else needs to be done ?
Who do your need to tell ?
Do you have a pension ?
Do you have insurance ?
I am putting together a to do list of all the things that need to be done so that it is as easy as it can be for my wife.
Although I hope that it is many years away, preparing now can relieve some of the stress for your partner or yourself
being buried at sea with your partner dancing on your grave is not an option
CR
Be all you can be, make every day count. Namaste
Replies
if you are alone then you should consider what will happen to your goods and chattles otherwise the gov will end up with all your stuff
Senior online community officer
Problem was council used to pay or you can apply on to DWP for benefit.
I was at the time had money. Approached by the widows both times. Need money for shall we say final expenses.
Knew had nothing. So paid out £1500 on one. Year later paid out £2000.
Been over twenty years or more. Never got money back. Tried to ask for it. I know people are grieving and that is time is a healer.
I fell I was doing my duty as a friend. I am acutely aware of being sensitive, I hope I was.
The other story was had a friend who had life long disability. He knew of life was going to be short. He told me so. While I was on holiday he died. The family and the widow had nothing.
He never had any plans and made no arrangements.
I was away so I know nothing of this only found out when I came back. He had friends not one helped, not one turned to the widow and family for support. Even his work colleagues never wanted to know.
I am not going into details here let's just say there were certain expenses. That she had to pay.
I come back she had rung me, sent me a letter.
Eventually I she asked me. So I helped. Not after ringing around everybody who knew the guy. Saying very nicely and being polite can you help funds or donations. All silence and dead phones
So every body do you wish to have that. No sorry I have not. Only because of me I paid out again. £2500 this time or more than that if I recall because of certain other expenses. If you get my drift.
I have last three years have a life insurance policy . Sum goes up each year in line inflation. Paid around £15 a month.
Put my friend as beneficiary. Final expenses if you die now will cost simple casket, service around £5000
That is an estimate.
I know have not made a will. Problem is made my friend a beneficiary but if he dies before me. Need to look at solicitors and then will cost something
I hope any body realises that what I have been saying could happen to you.
Remember councils do not have budget to dispose of you if you die. With out family paying Simple cremation that's all. Also one council has spent one million on cremating there residents who have died.
Take care
May you all live long and prosper my friends
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i tried to take my own life in 2015 so cannot get Insurance.
I have a few pensions and a flat with some equity, at the moment anyway, before the mortgage interest payment benefit stops!!!
even if it is a DIY kit from WH Smith’s.
myself and hubby have made a will plus we both have life insurance. We also have our own home.
i have heard a lot of problems that families have had to deal with as there is no will
I don’t know how to get Insurance since been declined previously.
Any help would be greatly appreciated
lillybelle, thanks for your reply
I will try and find something for you as I am sure other members will to
CR
Thanks
Victoriad and CR
chevked out mind website , guidance on Insurance but as of my previous Suicide attempt doesn’t look good.
dont even want to try again, too many things happening right now, PIP Appeal, waiting on a decision letter and can’t take anymore anxiety
Thank you for sharing
We are always hear to listen without judgement
I do not pity you but I would like to understand
\CR
I do feel for you.
This subject is never easy to debate or discuss.
My thoughts are with you right now.
I know you have so much upset, emotion and heartbreak. I am here to listen not make a judgement.
One of my aspects of my life was my addiction . So writing about how I felt and still feels causes me so much trauma. I had thoughts of suicide and wishing to die. Seeing my friends die.
Then I realised if I want to look at what is happening to me. I need to evaluate what is good and positive.
This is not easy to say to anybody to say how to change or run your life.
This is looking what doing small steps. In your own time. Life is hard, tough complicated.
Knowledge and being in control of our own destiny and what we as human beings adapt is important to us.
I am so sorry what is happening, you perhaps need to discuss with your family what they can provide and help with. Look at support from other sources. I can understand they can be trust and dealing with strangers.
This also may be aspects of your life that you wish to discuss with them.. You are talking to us the community right now. That is important. We are here to listen
You have contacted Samaritians that is a positive start. Small steps. I do feel you need to maybe talk to some one else. GP's have range of talking therapy.
I am not telling you what to do. This is your life, your choice. I feel misery, pain, tears emotions a whole range.
When I got really ill, just those thoughts this was me, turned to bible for comfort. Talking to a priest and having a range of options.
I am myself disabled born with it. Had addiction. Family rejected because of abuse by Mother. Addiction for thirty years alcoholic, drugs.
Hated my self due to disability. Hate everything about my self. Disability in the way. Relationships, employment. Sorry if this is my life.
I since been clean accepted myself but only after looking at how I can so much take small steps. I still have depression and anxiety. I get doubts and have feelings like every one else. About my disability. I try every day to be me.
Started with rehab 18 months. Then still even now mental health and several charities to support me. Plus good therapy to talk. This is time to heal. Twenty plus years. That is still ongoing.
Please can I ask what right now if I could wave a magic wand what would change. A therapist asked me.
I just went on about my disability. Not even mentioning the addiction that is hurting me. Effecting my mental health As of now. She asked me to make a list of things I would like to do. These are goals, aims might not achieve any.
This not about me but you.
Please can I ask what would you like to change if I could.
Please come back. I see and hear to be there and not judge, be critical,, have a chat, how can I be a friend.
Always in my thoughts and prayers
Take care
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i will try to beak the things down in my head, it’s totall exhausting just thinking about it all.
your right though, the Pip appeal is priority right now, the waiting on the letter, a no mail deliveries just now with the weather, is hard, can’t eat or sleep.
iv emailed the court but doubt if anyone is there to read it.
how long does it usually take for the appeal decision letter to be posted out??
i will look at the sites you mentioned, maybe help keep my mind occupied.
be safe
my appeal was headed on Monday if this week, it was so stressful and harrowing, emotionally, I can’t even remember what was asked etc, I could hardly talk.
The doctor was very cold but the “ judge” was a nice lady
thank you again x
First thing is to decide what is top priority. Make a list, I know this is hard and not easy.
My concern is you I had so many appeals just I do know you start worrying and the anxiety.
Anxiety in your head goes around spinning what if and how if and why. I had all this in my head. Which effected mental state so much.
I was assessed and reassessed every 18 months or so for twenty years plus on all my benefits, especially ESA. So I had to cope.
You have plenty of options man recon as they call it. Supply more information.
Seek support of SCOPE. Welfare rights, CAB all available as back up.
You could appoint an advocate to oversee your benefits, sort out if the decision is wrong. To speak to for you.
My big issue is that at the moment is your health. I agree it takes to long. This is not helping.
As for life insurance consider you bank or financial institution. A lot of them have branches dealing with life insurance. Halifax, Scottish Widows. Try and find out. They want your business.
I hope any of this helps
Take care
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your so right in the anxiety and overthinking. Can’t seem to stop it. I feel sick so no appetite, Iv list nearly a stone in 5 weeks.
Im not sure what an Advocate is!!
I will look on my banks website on life Insurance but with my mental health problems I’m not sure, was declined the past 2years when an insurance broker looked at it for me.
Scopes website is a lifeline to me and lots out there so I’m thanking you all for your time and kindness
This could some one there for you at meetings of Doctors if you are not getting proper support. NHS funded services, also benefits. Could be you are not happy with getting the right answers.
Power of Attorney is when you are too ill and have problems with dealing with bills and payments, money. Your care. The estate have they can manage that on your behalf.
Insurance Broker is a person who offers a range of policies to suit you. From suitable companies. May include Life, Motor, Liability, Pensions, plus other like house contents. Even odd things you may not think need Insurance but they do. Pets ,Animals, Specific professions like Musicians their hands and fingers play instruments. Footballers feet and legs.
All Insurance Brokers offer a policy on risk element. This is because they have commission to pay to the company. That supplied the policy.
Banks and financial Institutions offer a range of services besides money and loans. Offer subsidy companies have Financial Advisor often on specific days.
This can include Life Insurance also many other types such as Motor and Home.
Also please note new markets are the supermarkets opening up. ASDA and Tesco. Can offer Life Insurance they have companies that work for them on commission basis. Good yes with added incentives of the store as a lure.
I hope you find this helpful. Please note it is very helpful to have some one who you trust to assist you.
Please be aware also once you start a plan your choice. You stop payments plan stopped you do not get money back.
All plans be aware do go up in line with inflation so . Please be aware make a judgement . My plan was £12 a month now three years later £15 a month. So you can see where that is going.
I would very carefully make some sensible choices. Beware plans from some companies are not worth the money paid in.. Regardless of tempting offers, TV and the rest.
Please can I suggest look at what I have sent you, consider carefully.
Also may I say what you are going through. First make that a priority please.
What is important right now, your health and well being.
I may add I have genetic disorder and have mental health issues. Questions about my requirement to be suitable. I asked Bank through Scottish Widows took me on.
Yet my father who was a Director of Insurance Broker did not. When I enquired when I set up business. Your have a disability plus . That was then not now.
Reason was they consider me a risk. Yet bank took me on. Why failure of insurance broker because they work as I have said work for a commission.
Take care
Am here to listen
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i will definitely look at my bank re life Insurance.
your so knowledgeable.
as far as the advocate is concerned do I need to register that somewhere? Sorry if that sound like a daft question. My friend comes to doctors, takes me shopping or does shopping etc for me. He ca,e to my tribunal too but they wouldn’t let him talk for me .
take care too and again, thank you
susan
I am sorry about your friend not to be able to speak for you. That is unacceptable. Mind you I my friend with me one time. Told him first dragged him into a room, told him in no uncertain terms. I was shocked open his mouth to utter some thing.
The looks and stares and attitude from this assessor.
Please advocates no what it come under is Mental Health Services. You find them under that Usually local charities. Funded. In the North East I live. Re-think is the main one. They all work part time. Some of the staff understand mental health issues.
That is because they themselves have conditions like mental health.
What happens you make an appointment. They will ask what you require. My example could apply to you. Doctors talking to me like 10years old. Out the door by 7 minutes. Getting no help mentally. Writing it down to speak picking up notes making jests and questions me like I am wrong. Not ounce intelligence. I am not stupid.
Appointed advocate went to appointment with support worker. We got together what to say. Arrived next appointment two weeks later Doctors told staff who is coming.
In front of Doctor, Advocate said my name wishes and what needs this and that. In the end as of now my Doctor best friend.
Please remember they do not do certain aspect of the job. No councilling not to run your life for you.
Wish you the best please ask me anything am here. I will look out for you
Take care
Have a pleasant evening
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i just need the advocate to put into words what I need, as the anxiety is so overwhelming I cannot get the words out.
the appeal panel for my pip said, they wanted me to talk no matter how long it took. More anxiety!! I asl experience involuntary body movements whilst anxious, so ended up pulling muscles in my neck at the appeal.
I feel like I’m rambling about things that make no sense??
im so tired of everything
i need to take my sleeping tablet and try and rest.
i will read this again tomorrow
i am sorry
Since receiving my DWP paper for my appeal for PIP I read on there my SG ESA is to be reviewed in October this year. I had no knowledge of this until I read it.
If Iv to go through all the appeal procedure again I don’t think I will cope. Will get the PIP decision first then look at finding an advocate.
Im also waiting on an appointment with Psycology as my doctor has referred me back, was discharged last September due to the psychologist leaving my area.
probably be another 6 month wait!!!
Understand a lot of what I write is my anxiety, ramble away and use little quotes, quips, jokes not intentionally to ice break.
Some of my posts are novels, mini dramas with a all star cast, bedtime stories. I have that effect on you ladies. Making fall asleep sorry not intentional.
Try to space out much as I can. Try to make things clear and simple.
Ask me anything again if not clear. Have patience and tolerance and the time.
Always here to soothe ease and help the pain away.
Talking helps
Take care
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Your very witty and knowledgeable.
I’m sure you don’t make the ladies fall asleep.
talking and really opening up is difficult, Iv been keeping things in for a long time.
this site and all the people on here, you included help so much, even just reading discussions, help knowing I’m not alone out here.
Susan
ESA is an open ended award, the review dates are not necessarily fixed as are PIP awards.
The only way to know when an ESA award is to be reviewed is to ring DWP, this will not trigger an early review
Many reviews are being defered especially SG group as there are backlogs in the sysytem
So it is good to be aware of the possible review date but be prepared for it not to happen then
CR
This is exactly what I was getting at. It is never going to be an easy time for the ones left behind. Making the provisions as you have, especially if you are the main decision maker can hep a little
CR
I have been doing all sorts of things to improve my life knowledge. This is just a suggestion. Have a look around, you find them under Community Services.
I have done for the past thirty years plus. I am still learning this has helped me enormously in understand . My benefits be acutely aware of going on.
Health and food courses. Got loads of them qualifications. Money, budgets and other things like helping with mental health.
Life is a journey. I know well being centres up and down country. Also Recovery Colleges. These are colleges that deal in Mental Health one day courses. Funded by Health Trusts.
I know you have anxiety and other issues. Courses some are free.
I have done courses. How to deal with People, Communications, How to get the best from Mental Health services.
Please can I say I was nervous and on edge. Not many guys go. I was only guy. Some have courses for the ladies.
Good to speak to you today. If I can help let me know.
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i will look at my local community services to see what is available.
at my last assessment with psychology, to see what route would best suit me, as from a health professional point of view, she felt a group wouldn’t be appropriate, my involuntary body movements and speech!
i felt it might help with my social anxiety though.
maybe when my referral is through I could suggest a group?
your input is appreciated as making decisions are difficult
susan
You do have a choice. To say how you wish to have a life. I am disabled and have mental health issues. I do understand. Just because some one says. A health professional. I would try to do these things.
Just because you have certain problems should not stop you from doing anything
Besides everything changed a lot of the courses are adapted for all sorts of disabilities and mental health problems.
Also if you go you might meet others like yourself. I did an several times.
I lacked confidence still do some days. Get anxiety and depression. Like today down day.
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i have things I would love to do, join a support group, go out for a meal, cinema. Lots of things but when I think ok I’m going to to it, I usually don’t. Then I feel guilty, sad, empty and useless. I too have no confidence.
I don’t even try now.
I would like to go to a support group as I might help with the anxiety and have people who understand, like yourself, what I’m going through.
please take care and be kind to yourself
susan
You are a member of our community and we appreciate you. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]. You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself. If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.
Please do keep talking to us- we have plenty of friendly community members who are here to listen. If you'd prefer to talk to somebody over the phone, you can also find the Scope helpline at 0800 800 3333.
Having a choice what do I wish to do today. This is your life. All of us get those guilty useless feelings of self worth. Not wanted not feel too great. I still some days do.
I understand this, if had stopped drinking and carried on. The massive guilts I get from losing friends who carried on and passed away.
I have spent too long doing addiction. I am 53 now and realise how much time and energy wasted.
I see my life yes I have anxiety, depression a whole host of issues and problems.
So if and when I can go back on my stage sing my heart out. One chance, one opportunity. Dance away, as I struggle my life has to change.
As it has meeting all you lovely people on the forum. Thank you. You have put me back on my stage. The light is on me. Love you all.
So Susan you are given this life, your stage. You given a chance to shine. As others have given me the opportunity to shine a light. I am giving you the chance.
To sing and dance to feel amazing. You are in control small steps.
By way I was given this in therapy. Constant therapy to try to give me a purpose in life. This is what they do. Because I had massive guilty feelings, never had happiness. Bought up in a house where fun and enjoyment never exsisted.
It was all about control and taking and hurting. Living constant pressure to succeed all about power and money.
It is up to you. I am here to listen and talk if that helps.
I am sure you understand.
Take care
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Laugh and be free of this massive an finished jigsaw in my brain.
postive news , might bring you hope too. I have won my PIP Appeal. So relieved I have cried most of the morning, tears of relief but also what happens next!!
award granted until November 2019, they can start this rollercoaster again this year.
i need to focus.
life Insurance next of the complex thing I must do.
try to sing and dance today spiceman.
(My CPN said that singing could help my speech, I try)
Susan
Great start to the Monday. Small steps next time that's ages away, then concentrate on today. Small steps. I am the stage in my life I do plan but that me, because I have to.
I have a day of structure part of me. Yet that is flexiable When life's candles what's to burn bright it is the small things you do. To make the difference.
I have aims and goals for the week and have learnt to cope. That is years of doing it. Small little successful tasks or jobs or treats to the day.
Do not know what you like or do? Could be in the morning a treat for breakfast. Something to uplift you and give you positivity. I am every one so are you human. I do prayers for all my friends here getting longer. Stretch and have a look outside Cold wet and damp in the morning. News put on. Dreary tiresome.
So we do watch news five minutes maybe a little longer. this is me. Classic FM morning good relaxing music. Music that soothes easy into the day. Who says tea and toast.
I had everything from veggie curry to soup to eggs and toast with fruit. Buy colourful vibrant vegetables fruit and berries. Sunshine food. Done chilli beans and eggs this morning. Wake me up. See my posts.
Done now tidy up, put on those cheesy 60's 70's compilation albums. Groovy , funky have a dance while doing a sweep. Who cares, Use them for any little tasks. Ironing and all those boring jobs. If some one see me so. Just a lift.
By way can use those old records of the 50's and jazz stuff because they speak clearly. I have 50 50 hearing. Can not understand modern stuff old music helps me to sing and I know how to say words. Nat King Cole clear voice example.
Same with TV it is off all day unless there are programmes up lifting, thoughtful positive and can educate me. Never watch Soaps or those depressing dramas.
If there is a film on old one. Try to do a task before that helps. Favourite sandwich make it and then do task. Sandwich in fridge waiting. Little treats.
Just a small glimpse of me.
You said you need to focus. Just write down what you wish to do. Make a script. If I going to see some one like the Doctors write down what you wish to say.
Handed in one time to Doctors let her read it.
Same with telephoning, speaking to any body. Rehearse or take it in with you.
I have no confidence phoning so I make a script and say what I wish to say.
I know this sounds simple to you. I have been there so many times and still am. Fighting, struggling getting knock backs and for what I want.
Have bad days terrible days. Small steps.
I hope you know I am here any time. I apologise long posts. Again. Just an old fashioned gentleman from long ago who wishes to help out a lady.
Take care
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Seems my good friend Victoria has given you heaps of advice and support. That is excellent.
I was trying to give you some positivity. You do what ever you wish to do. I was trying explain doing the simple things like music and hobbies can be rewarding Music may not be your thing. Something else your choice.
Changes and do something else.
I have memory problems myself. I know it is the anxiety and also stress.
I forgot what I say or write to people I do know either my friends on the forum or people like yourself.
Have to go over many times. I forgot films and music previous day. All sorts of embarrassing things.
Took a drug called Thaimine to combat dementia through my alcoholism. For five years . Not on this now. Always there though in my life.
Hope you take care and remember we as a community are always here.
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
Recipes