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Is it abuse or am I stupid

Ok here I go, my o/h is 50 and am 32. It’s me that has mental illness physical illness, very abused past sexually emotionally physically. 

Hes been calling me a fat lazy fk
lazy fat ****
ugly freak

saying that my girls are ashamed of me

im fat am trying to lose weight, all my tablets are pilling on the pounds, I used to be a size zero
underactive thyroid. Am out of breath am also living with fibromyalgia, and removing from a a horrible break to my leg.

rightnow, I feel worthless. 


  • Markinsutton
    Markinsutton Member Posts: 83 Pioneering
    It's abuse full stop.. 

    Not much else to add really its wrong to speak to anyone like that. I had a neighbour who his girlfriend used to do the same to him. he found it difficult to stand up for himself because as a man he didn't like to admit he was being abused by a woman. 

    How you deal with it is difficult, I tried to get him to get help from social services and or his GP but together we felt it was best for him to leave her. He didn't want too because of the kids but in the long term it is best if your partner will not stop it will start effecting the kids and it will not be you they are ashamed off but him. 
  • whistles
    whistles Member Posts: 1,583 Disability Gamechanger
    What do you think? That's your answer. 

    Do not follow me, I don't know where I am going.
  • charlene
    charlene Member Posts: 555 Pioneering
    It's wrong, full stop!
    When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 1,748 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,390 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @itsafeething Sorry to say this every body is right here .  I apologise for being straight to the point.

    I had abuse from members from family so name calling and the rest hurts me.  You must understand that, the result you are feeling worthless.  You are not.

    As my friend @Victoriad says why are in this relationship.  Please can I add I never treat ladies like this ever.  I do understand that you think it is hard to leave but you do not need to suffer like this.

    I have a friend who is suffering abuse at the moment and I am try to support and give that person concerned.  My time and energy.  Plus the person concerned is a friend and I have try much as I can be there for that person.

    I am here for you to say right now there are support and help right now seek it.  Please right now contact certain organisations to advise you.

    I have spent too much time telling friends who are in abusive relationships who seek my words of comfort and find solace.

    End up in dire straights and ignore what I have been saying.  I am not one to interfere ask you self the question why am in this relationship.?  Am I being abused ,? do I need to leave?

    Please do the right thing we as a community are here to advise and support

    Please take care and keep safe

    Thinking of you and in my prayers and thoughts.

    Another bouquet roses from the virtual reality florist again to help ease the pain
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • itsafeething
    itsafeething Member Posts: 17 Connected
    Thank you, secretly I think he wants me to be like this so he can treat me this way. I know this is no life for my children. And I’m unable at looking after them, but with exercise and determination they will have their mummy back. 

  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,390 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @itsafeething Thank you for reply.  How can the community help you.  Perhaps speak to SCOPE advisors.

    I am a gentleman who hates to see a lady being treated like this, please seek some help, I am concerned for you.

    Hope you try and get some one to help, I just am here with kind words and to ease the pain away.

    Here to listen

    You take care
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • charlene
    charlene Member Posts: 555 Pioneering
    My daughter was in 2 abusive relationships, she has paid dearly at the expense of her mental health.  She did get away, went into a battered wife hostel, then divorce, not soon enough to save her mental health, and is a shell of the daughter I knew.
    When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
  • MKMale
    MKMale Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    ItsI just wrong!
    No excuse for anyone to treat someone like that. I think he is trying to hide his own failings by treating you badly.
    I also have Fibro and understand what a struggle life can be for us. I would get away from him as soon as possible. I just don't understand anyone who abuse their partners and say they love them... That's not Love in my opioopi!
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hi @itsafeething and everyone.

    I think that one of the problems with emotional abuse is the fact that we tend to worry about whether we're overreacting to it or 'making a fuss'.  It's really hard to give useful and objective advice from afar without knowing all the ins and outs, but I can say that it is definitely not okay to have such hurtful things said to you about your body, your illness, your parenting - and especially not by a partner.

    Something I often think to myself (and say to others who I see for support) is: if this was your best mate telling you this, what would you think?  Would you see it as unacceptable or abusive then?  What does your gut say?

    I can say this: you're definitely not stupid, which was your initial question.  I think you know that, too! I am sorry to hear that someone who should be loving and lifting you up should ever make you feel that way.  Carrying extra weight or a medical condition do not make any of us unworthy of being loved, of being a cherished partner or parent, or being a brilliant example for our kids - amongst a whole long list of other things.  

    I think it's really important that you talk to someone about this and consider honestly what you want to happen.  The reality is that in order to improve things, both of you have to invest in repairing issues - your partner included.  If you feel that he won't be willing to engage with that then you must think about whether you want to remain in the situation; leaving it would be challenging, but not impossible, with the right support.  Are your kids exposed to the things he says to you? 
    - Gill 
  • Waylay
    Waylay Member Posts: 970 Pioneering
    That's definitely abusive. I'd look into your options, secretly. 

    You could see if you can get help from a local women's organisation, Relate, someone in your family, or someone at your GP's surgery. Do you think he realises that what he's doing is abuse? Do you think that you could convince him to go to counselling with you? Does he understand that the meds make you gain weight! Can you get some info together for him to educate him about that?

     It isn't your fault that you've gained weight! Many meds have that effect! If it really bothers you, maybe have a chat with your GP to see if there might be alternatives? I had to come off of Mirtazipine for the same reason.

    Has he ever threatened you, the kids, or pets, verbally or physically? Has he ever been physically violent toward you? If so, please be aware that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is *the few weeks after you leave*. If either of the above are true, please get help and support to do this, for your own safety.

    If you decide to leave, have everything ready before doing so. If you might have to go through a divorce/custody battle, make sure that you get copies of all financial account statements, etc., and that you take your (and your kids') ID, birth certificates, etc. with you. If you can put aside some money for yourself without him finding out, do so. 

    You are worth far more than this. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

    (I've been in an abusive relationship.)
  • janejr
    janejr Member Posts: 142 Pioneering
    He is undermining your self worth. Shouting smashing things name calling is all abuse. If you have to question whether it's abuse already tells me he is succeeding in wearing you down. Don't let him disrespect you. Please put a stop to this as I fear it will get worse. Your Ill and need support not abuse. Your confidence is probably already low and he is adding to your problems not helping. If you ever need support, a friendly ear to listen and support you message me I will help you all I can. You are a worthy women to us at scope
  • Waylay
    Waylay Member Posts: 970 Pioneering
  • newborn
    newborn Member Posts: 728 Pioneering
    Yes, everything the others say, esp waylay and janejr.  Are you human? If so, don't you deserve love, kindness,  respect and support from your partner?

    Is he demonstrating his love, kindness, support and respect?   Is he helping, or harming, you and your mental physical and emotional health?   

    Do you need any of those things for your own full happy life? Do you need any of those things to raise happy children?

    Do you, and does he, love and care for the best  interests and future of the children?   What do they see, and what do they need to see?

    A loving supportive respectful couple of parents, showing the best relationship example for them to copy in their own future lives?  Or a power abuse situation, with one weak despised doormat being trodden on?  

    A friend recently opened her eyes and left, after 20 years pretty much similar to your description. By that time, her teenage children despised her.   But they were ready to take over her tasks as dad's doormats, even to one excusing him for bashing and trying to strangle her.

    That girl has already dropped out of education, of apprenticeship, and has got involved with a drug dealing boyfriend.   

    Her mum was an abused child, and willing to devote herself to sticking with the sham of a marriage, however miserable it made her, in the mistaken belief it was all for the benefit of the girls she would readily have died to protect. She was determined to be a better mum than her own mum had been to her.   But her life efforts were misguided, because she didn't recognise an abusive relationship when she was living in one.

    Many abused children have low self worth, and are simply habituated to accepting what is not the least bit acceptable.    Of course they are likely to be re-abused as adults, and many don't see they are being abused even though it is obvious to any outside observer.
  • newborn
    newborn Member Posts: 728 Pioneering
    By the way,  if someone is 'stupid', in any sense of the word, it wouldn't  excuse abusing them, would it?
  • feir
    feir Member Posts: 395 Pioneering
    newborn said:
    By the way,  if someone is 'stupid', in any sense of the word, it wouldn't  excuse abusing them, would it?
    So true. Most abusers get away with abuse because of gaslighting and/or the fact that the person they are with is a nice person who doesn't understand abuse.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 90 Listener
    edited August 2018
    you can live a life of fear or peace  a coward is a bully and there are many ways to cure them  no person should be treated badly  myself i solved my ex husbands problem when he was in work ?he could not come near the house or kids?within a week he had forgotton all the hate the insults the abuse and wanted his family backk?well he had no chance full stop ?seek out womens aid local contact them they if you want will locate you anywere in the country you feel safe

  • Jazzgirl
    Jazzgirl Member Posts: 7 Listener
    It's abuse your not stupid. When your in the relationship they make you out to feel stupid like it happens all the time and you'd look dumb if you mentioned it to anyone. If you feel comfortable with in yourself then you shouldn't let it faze you and if he loves you he shouldn't be saying those nasty things it's all a reflection of himself not you. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic 12 years older than me when I was 17 for 3 years and they were the worst 3 years of my life. Hed call me every name under the sun he finially went out with a bang tied me to a radiatior and raped me I was rescued by a family member and he was locked away for a couple of months after that I never saw him again. The point is don't stick with someone when there abusing you because it only gets worse and worse. And you don't need that you better than that. Faults and all :) look after your girls x


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