Not sure how much more I can take (Sorry it’s long)

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alibabi67

Not sure where to start because I have had trauma pretty much my whole life, but 6 years ago I had a total breakdown and was suicidal and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was put on quetiapine and for the next couple of years it was bliss, the best I have ever felt. No ups, no downs just a steady pace of normal. The downside I slept so much, I could sleep for at least 16 hours a day. I have 3 boys, one who is 20, a ten year old and an 8 year old. I came off the qetiapine because of the constant sleeping and have tried many other medications (currently on Valproic acid) but it just doesn’t keep me stable, I have a week of bad depression where I am so irritable I want to claw my own skin off and then I will be ok for a week or two, then it’s a week of being high buzzing around like a bloody hummingbird. During my time on medication my weight has ballooned to 21 stone and 2 years ago whilst trying to lose weight I knackered my knee so badly I need a knee replacement, which they won’t do because I am too heavy, but I can’t lose weight because of the meds and I am now more or less immobile using a crutch to walk, bath lift because I can’t get in and out of the bath, raised toilet seats etc. I have tried to get bariatric surgery but was turned down and on appeal I was told I was “not significantly different enough from the rest of the population” to warrant surgery. I have PCOS which also makes it hard to lose weight, lipoedema in my legs. My 10 year old has ASD and is a handful and not in school at present because the education system is a bloody sham so I have him 24/7. My husband is awesome but I do resent him because he works full time and gets a life away from the house. 4 months ago my mum died of cancer and we had a lot of unresolved issues so much so that the family didn’t tell me she was ill until a week before she died (she had been in a hospice for 3 months on a DNR) so could of died without me even seeing her, that’s how much she thought of me. Now on Friday my father in law died suddenly of a perforated bowel. My husband had a breakdown 4 months ago and is still in recovery. We have no support and I am at breaking point. I want to phone the Samaritans but I know I will just cry so much they won’t even know what I’m saying. My 10 year old can be evil and will say he wishes I was dead like today, it’s my birthday but it’s been a non event as my husband is up north with his family and it’s just me and the kids. My 10 year old told he he wished I was dead, and everyone would be happier if I was dead so why don’t I just go and kill myself. (This is nothing he has ever heard us say) he says this a lot to me when he is in meltdown or generally **** off because things haven’t gone his way (he also has PDA) and the more he says it the more I think, maybe he is right. I am pretty useless, I can’t do anything with them because of my mobility, I don’t want to play with them half the time because of the depression. I went to the doctors a month ago to ask to referred back to the psychiatrist for a meds review and I got an initial appointment with a nurse. I called to say I needed a meds review and she said that they had to legally see me within 28 days and because there are no psychiatrist appointments I have to have that initial assessment. I explained I couldn’t get to them just for that as getting some one to have R is near impossible so she made this big deal of saying not to worry she would come out to me, she would make arrangements and wanted to help me (I pointed out I had been refused counselling twice because I am “too complex” ). Next thing she calls me on my appointment day asking why I haven’t turned up!!!!! So clearly didn’t listen to a ******* word I said. I don’t see the pshychiatrist until end of NOVEMBER. I’m trying so hard to cling on because my husband needs me right now but I don’t know that I can do it. I just needed to vent. Thank you to anyone who got this far.

jeterson

I have read it to the end. I have bipolar affective disorder. You say you are in a depressive phase of the illness at the moment. When we are like this ( I am at present too at the moment ) every waking hour can be a struggle. Even getting out of the house. Just to say you are not alone. You say you feel you cannot ring Samaritans, why not because it seems to me that a good bloody cry is what you need. You will feel better. I wish I could cry but find that my medication prevents any tears at all.this in my mind is a bad thing as humans are ment to cry as a release from stress.  Also have you thought that your family did not tell you about your Mother because they were trying to protect you. Bipolar people are sensitive souls and any little thing can trigger instability. 
Have you also tried contacting MIND they run bipolar support groups. Also when you feel up to it and if you are able to swim, why not ask your whole family to go to the local baths together. You are weightless in water and this should not trouble your joints. Try try try and do something different. And if you moods persist go back to the GP. 
On the kid front I have 4 they can all be little shits in times just ignore the unkind words., Very hard I know because every unkind word cuts like a knife. Try doing an activity together maybe movie evening with pop corn or a game of monopoly even 1/2 he of quality binding time helps. Take each day as it comes and do not look to far ahead. I am a single parent myself so be great full for the support of you hubby. You are not really resentful of him going out to work, it is the bipolar illness that is saying that ! Trust me I know, it is all to easy to resent everyone and everything when you are severely depressed. Now try and think of something positive for 5 minutes. And also breathing deeply from the pit of you stomach helps
Best wishes
J