What I'd tell my younger self about sex
VixJensen
Member Posts: 2 Connected
Vix is a disability activist, public speaker and writer with Cerebral Palsy who spends her time between London and Los Angeles. Today she has written a letter to her younger self about having sex as a disabled person.
Hey you,
I see you there. Sitting on the edge of your new double bed, jacket still on,
smile on your face. I see you looking down at your hands, as if to make sure
that they’re still the same hands, the ones that have grown with you. You’ve
done it. Isn’t that wild? Less than two hours ago, there you both were,
avoiding the bed for fear of squeaking springs and just going for the floor
instead. He asked you gently over and over again if this was okay, if you felt
ready. There was no music and no candles - just a tangled, unsure mess of limbs
and kisses that tasted familiar. It hurt more than you were expecting but you
didn’t really have time to wonder if that was just you. You felt safe, and,
really that’s what mattered. That night, your body felt your own.
The months before had felt filled with long, long nights of sitting by the blue
insomniac light of your computer asking the internet if you even could, if your
disabled body was worthy of knowing the shape of someone else’s spine. If it
would hurt more, less, if you would feel anything at all. What to do if it
didn’t work or if your muscles seized up. How to apologize.
You asked the internet about the things that they didn’t even think to cover at
school, because sex ed didn’t include people like you. You tried to find
answers to the questions you brushed off from the girls in your class, the ones
who said: “You have a boyfriend, but will you be able to...?” Somehow, they
never finished their sentences.
Here’s the thing, though. It’s been ten years since then. The internet never
gave you those answers, no matter how hard you looked. So, you found them
inside yourself, starting that night, in your jacket, playing with your
fingernails, and every single day since.
Now, you know. You know you’re allowed to do this - that it’s not just reserved
for the people whose bodies are on the cover of the magazines you sometimes
still read. That it’s just as much your right to feel your back arching and the
tug behind your bellybutton. That you’ll have bad sex, and good sex, and makeup
sex and break up sex just like everyone else. You know you don’t need to
apologize for saying no, that you don’t need to feel less than for not being
able to bend in certain ways, or for getting tired too quickly, because there
is no one way to do this. You know you are not required to answer anyone’s
questions about your body if you don’t want to, even if they do finish their
sentences.
Your body is your own. It’s your map to explore, alone or with someone else.
Make your own definitions for sex and for pleasure and pay no heed to what may
already exist if it doesn’t work for you. Write your own dictionary. This world
is yours to create, in safety, in comfort and in peace with yourself.
And on those days where all that feels just out of your reach - where it feels
like your body, your disability and your intimacy is fair game to the whole
world but you, please read this, no matter how old you may be. Etch the words
into the darkness behind your eyes, like starlight. You are allowed. You are worthy
and sex is for you too.
Love,
Slightly older-you
What are some ways you think we can all work together to help make sex education more inclusive?
Vix can be found on Twitter or YouTube.
Replies
I really enjoyed reading this! I am lucky I guess because I have never felt that I wasn't a sexual being or that because of my impairment that I was desexualized. I completely get your point though. If I was growing up now I might feel very differently due to the constant images of the perfect body we are bombarded with on social media platforms.
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Sex education fails most young people, but disabled young people even more so. Writing like this will play such an important role in changing perceptions about sex AND disability. Go girl!!!!
what a wonderful post! I'm in my early 50s and disabled in the last 5 years. I'd felt that being sexless and single was my future. Thank you for reminding me about the joy and entitlement we all have to LIVE fully!
I found this great article about how sexting can be a really powerful tool for disabled people and wanted to share
There are no answers to sex and it provides no answers.... only more questions.
TK
TK
Hi there, I am new to this list and yours is the first post I have read. It's awesome. Sex and disability have always sat uncomfortably side by side, not discussed in media, novels or even disability research. Tom Shakespeare and colleagues wrote the best-selling Sexual Politics of Disability in 1996 and still attitudes remain pretty much unchanged. Gynaecologists are shocked when disabled women visit them to help with pregnancies, because we are not expected to have sex. But we do, and it should be normalised not seen as strange or unnatural. It's important for disabled young people to know this, and to be aware or what is good and bad sex, so they can protect themselves from sexual abuse (common when we need to depend on others for personal care).
Thank you Gordy.
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