All time low but even being that is totally pointless.....
Let me point out this is likely to end up a rant, entirely non-PC and potentially upsetting to others. Read only for those with a strong constitution.
The last year has been a nightmare, continuously pushing me in a downward spiral and all caused by a pathetic and non-supportive health service, every member of whom that I have spoken to insists that I get help and yet no one want to provide said support. A health service that insists that I try to keep going in the most completely untenable and miserable situation that people are beginning to assume I must be making up because every one gets help. What a load of ********!!!!!
It started with a GP who refused to warn me of no longer maintaining increases in medication and who also refused to discuss my situation in any way. Consequently I have become housebound for no other reason than that my GP is too stupid to understand how to support me or provide me with any options. The last 6 months has seen me staggering from one overdose to another, each time with people insisting I talk to MH to get health and report to everyone the problems so that someone can take responsibility for providing some sort of support. No one has either given me that support of allowed me to talk to anyone meaningful.
One issue at a time.....
Social Care... I have been referred to them with greater and greater frequency and importance more than a dozen times in 6 months which finally resulted in being sent a male SW who, instead of looking to provide help nit-picked and confrontational at every possible turn in order to refuse help. I find ANY male presence stressful and upsetting, which they are fully aware of, but this was a deliberate ploy to avoid helping and sure enough I became so anxious I had to ask him to leave. Not that any support they suggested would have been useful as I would have been forced to pay (due to savings) for a service that is totally lacking in management (SW's are not trained in managing care contracts) and given minimal respect by the Care Companies who know they can get away with it. Also, their lack of support stems from my complaints that got my last Care Worker into trouble and which they lied about to get her out of trouble, all due to a pathetic and useless lack of training and a lack of understanding of reality. Even if I was to arrange Care myself there are some problems I cannot figure out how to deal with and certainly SC wouldn't have the faintest idea.
The hospital.... who, since moving the pain control functions into the community, have refused to let me see anyone within the hospital regarding pain control, on any of my numerous visits there.
The Pain Clinic.... As I am housebound thanks to the GP, I am unable to be supported by the Community Pain Clinic and was instantly discharged when referred.
GP surgery.... So many stupid mistakes that this is going to take some explaining. My surgery is one of a group of 4 or 5 and there isn't a single GP that resides in any of them for more than a day or two at a time before moving to the next. This has meant that on the few occasions a GP has contacted me it's a different doctor almost every time and I spend most of the time explaining a condition they have no experience of and for which there are no known records apart from the inches thick folder of mine which they never read. None will prescribe anything remotely useful now and I have been forced to argue 3 or 4 times with the most senior doctor (a real clown in the making) just to get any support at all. GP's refuse to visit me, even though it was they that made me housebound, and insist in trying to understand a complex issue by phone. Any reports generated by the rest of the system are simply put into my file by Reception and never read of acted on by any doctor. Whenever I try to ring the surgery I get a busy signal 90% of the time or get routed to someone in reception or management who has no idea of what to do and no interest in doing anything. Call backs almost never happen. The surgery also screwed up my referral to OT so I could be assessed to move and, although they have tried again I have heard nothing. Being in accessible accommodation might not even help anyway.
Mental Health.... In the last 6 months I have spoken to a few of them in hospital, been threatened ineffectively with being sectioned (which they will never do) and been assessed by the Access team twice but never been informed of the outcome because they have no intention of getting involved because they don't understand things even as well as the idiot GP's.
Family.... I haven't spoken to my youngest daughter for 2 years and she refuses to respond to calls or texts. I have seen my 2 grandchildren twice this year (on their birthdays in Jan and Feb) and my eldest daughter 3 times (with her children and also on her birthday). I have seen my son 6 times but only when either he wants me to do something for him or I offer to do something for him. The latter 2 answer my calls but won't help me with anything and sometimes offer to visit (like my daughter did last week about half-term?) but who usually don't arrive and don't call. Not only did I not get help or even a visit on Father's Day, I never even got a "Happy Fathers Day" message from anyone.
Medication.... I wear 3 Fentanyl patches that don't work properly and am supposed to take another 26 tablets a day only 2 of which have any effect. Almost all of this medication causes more pain than they cure. I have been forced to play around with what I have trying to find the most effective way of using it with no support because I cannot get any GP to try to help with it. It's all for pain control as my system is sensitive to anything else that might be useful.
The Ambulance Service....they are generally helpful but can only take me to A&E (who take no action) or refer me to MH or GP's (covered above).
The 111 service.... are mostly helpful (unless I get their version of an idiot 25% of the time) but who can also only refer me back to the GP (covered above).
The biggest physical problem is the continually expanding area of Neural Pain which has never been under control but the Chronic Pain isn't far behind. The CP exhibits in 5 or 6 places at any given time which change as the spine deteriorates every 2-3 months and require adjustment to at each move. The pain occurs at a combination of hips, knees, shins, ankles, upper arms, shoulders and neck and cause headaches and migraines often. In addition the circulation below my knees is restricted for no apparent reason and my toes are an odd colour and deteriorating too. My BP is also marginal but currently requires medication only when I am in trouble, like now. Mentally I am a complete mess with Severe Depression, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and total Paranoia. I am badly OCD which has gone from complicating matters to making some things downright impossible. Since becoming housebound I have begun to notice more and more frequent memory loss and blackouts. Initially these were measured in minutes but now in hours and, on one occasion, days.
A week ago an ambulance crew and a 111 doctor sent referrals to my surgery insisting on an immediate visit by a GP (both were ignored) and the GP who arranged for a blood test (regarding memory loss / blackouts) has not called me like he said he would. As I have had one (probably more) blackout this week I have had to cut back medication again (to make sure it isn't the cause) to ensure I haven't taken too much because I didn't remember taking it and repeated it accidentally.
I have tried to OD on everything I have medication wise and none of it worked and I am now in too much pain to go anywhere to walk into traffic, walk into a river or drop from a bridge so I cannot even find a way out. In desperation I tried calling The Samaritans but after listening to it ringing for 10 minutes gave up. I cannot even resort to self harm as my hands aren't strong enough.
If the leg exhibiting neural damage was amputated the pain would considerably lessen but they wont discuss it. If the patches were increased they would work better but they wont discuss that either. There might be a combination of neural pain killers that could help but again they wont discuss it.
I tried a shower last Sunday (first wash in 5 months) which resulted in feeling very ill for 24 hours, calling 111 to report vomiting and also resulted in a blackout. Even having care wouldn't sole that problem unless I'm in accessible accommodation first. I also vomited the next day and suffered awful withdrawal for another 48 hours because everything ran out and I was too ill to take more.
I have no way out, can't contact anyone and get so fed up with people telling me I can get help, which I patently cannot, if only I do "XYZ". All I do, every day, is recline in my chair with the TV on or try to sleep in said chair and I cannot even get interested in watching what is on the TV. Everything is just so pointless that I am back to not moving, not eating and only drinking now and again when I can be bothered. Even then it's only cold drinks as Coffee is too much pain and trouble now. I call people and it's busy or just rings or goes to voicemail and no one wants to help. I don't even find it funny now when I hear on TV someone giving a silly reason for not wanting to live, nor do I even bother to think that if they only knew just how bad things can get they might think twice. I must be on my thing two hundredth time now......
TK
