I Realised I Was Bullied After It Was Over!

MeandCP

My name is Chris, I’m 30 and based in the West Midlands. I’m currently studying to become a counsellor. I also sing in 2 choirs, follow several sports and love writing and reading history. I am interested in disability, mental health and identity – my blog can be found at www.memyselfanddisability.wordpress.com, I can also be found on twitter  -anything else just ask!

It was December 2006, I was sat in a pub with some schoolfriends catching up from our first completed terms at universities all over the UK. Suddenly, one friend turned to me, and as if seeing me for the first time said quietly “Chris, you put up with a lot of stuff in school!”

It was a genuinely arresting moment, this was not only something that he was just waking up to, but something that I was also just starting to realise. I didn’t realise that I was bullied in high school until I left, because it was so normal that I didn’t notice. I knew that having my wheelchair moved when I left it somewhere, constant verbal barbs about my physio, my walk, and mocking my supposed lack of masculinity were awful experiences. Feeling excluded from even the concept of dating and having my sexuality as a disabled person mocked left me with many mental scars, some of which I’ve only recently started to look at. But what I didn’t know was that it was bullying.

I was raised with a strong independent streak, a sense that my cerebral palsy wasn’t going to hold me back from my ambitions and that where problems were encountered, solutions would be found. My parents didn’t know what the social model of disability was, but my upbringing encapsulated it. This gave me a strong drive to ‘just get on with it’ and play the cards that life dealt me. If that meant being bullied and ostracised in many subtle ways, then I would get on with it and not let it get me down. This was my normal. I’ve often said that when you have a disability, you know who your true friends are, I was lucky to have a core group that seldom wavered and were always in my corner. Looking back you realise that it shouldn’t have to be that way.

This also meant that because I was raised in an environment where my disability was not a problem, it meant that I didn’t realise until much later that that was really a key reason why I took so much hostility in my teens. It’s not that I didn’t know I had CP, it just didn’t matter to me very much. I was much more likely to identify first as a sports fan, a singer, a horse rider, someone who wanted to go into theatre, with a budding interest in politics before I even mentioned my disability – indeed, I never considered disability a strong part of my identity, largely because I had no peers going through similar things. Nothing to compare my experiences against. And that, looking back, is key.

One of the major changes between then and now that I see is that disabled young people are networking and connecting in a way that we didn’t before so even those in mainstream schools where they may be the only disabled pupils, are more likely to have a network of support and shared experience. The conversations around disability identity, experience, bullying and acceptance from ourselves and from others, are starting to happen now among young people in a way I’m happily jealous of. It also seems to me that disabled adults and young people are sharing experiences much more now, it is striking to me that I didn’t know any disabled adults until I was one! I’m happy to say that such things are much less likely (though not impossible) now.

We may not have reached the point where bullying of disabled people is an anomaly, but hopefully it won’t take friends realising it in the pub long after it happens for us to know it’s happening. And that way, we can address it in the moment.

Have you ever faced bullying? How did you deal with it? What effect did it have on you?

tamidavis

Gosh what a read. I'm so sorry that you had this school experience There really needs to be more things in place to help those in these kinds of situations! Did you have a school counsellor you could speak to?

MeandCP

tamidavis said:

Gosh what a read. I'm so sorry that you had this school experience There really needs to be more things in place to help those in these kinds of situations! Did you have a school counsellor you could speak to?

This was the mid 2000s, if such things were in place I was unaware, and in any case as I say, I was so normalised I probably wouldn't have sought any help in that regard.

Suewithlupustoo

First thing Chris, you are an inspiration, second thing is you highlight that attitudes within schools and society still need to change. Bullying of any sort shouldn't be tolerated. It isn't character building to be on the receiving end, sadly I have heard tutors, teachers and parents endorsing it. 
My experience of bullying is a fairly recent one. I have complex conditions but my mobility was ok until my late 50s. Since having to use mobility aids I have been subjected to unpleasant comments and even physical pushes for going too slowly. Deciding to not to tolerate such behaviour I politely and publicly denounced it. It was amazing just how quickly their bravado and sense of entitlement vanished, Never an apology but frequently a rapid retreat. I wanted them to understand that I am a person with feelings, not an object to be prodded. They were taken by surprise when I had something to say. Tackling a bully face on isn't always possible or advisable but in schools there should be someone there to listen and take it seriously, sadly that is not always the case. Bullying often has it's roots in earlier experience. It is good that you have friends and a positive outlook. The more you are influencing others around you in a positive way, the more attitudes change for the better. 

Gwendoline1

Hiya MeandCP,
I completely agree with Suewithlupustoo, you truly are an inspiration. 
I also had no issues with mobility until my 50s.
As well as being a retail manager, I’d previously been a care manager in residential homes over many years. Taking care of people of all ages/illnesses/ disabilities, you get my drift.
To me, the person came first and the rest followed. I loved my job and I loved looking after people.
Always encouraging them to be confident, if they wanted to do something but was scared or worried they always had my support. 
Never ever did I think of anyone lesser than myself. I would defend a person if I ever heard or witnessed bullying.
My goodness have I been shocked over the last few years. 
I must have grown 2 heads, people stare at me most of the time when I’m out with my family. They push past or try to run in front of me. Usually I am spoken over as though I’m not there. The best one ‘ hellooo howww are youuuu’ . 
You must by now be wondering well what’s the cause of this . Da da I’m in a wheelchair, yes a wheelchair.
You take care of yourself and keep being  proud. Thank you for letting me read about you ???

the_velvet_girl

I'm a similar age to Chris & went to a mainstream school. I had the odd comment about my slow walking speed & no one ever wanted me on their team for PE when I was at primary school but nothing prepared me for the abuse I got at secondary school. Name calling, people speaking slowly to me and deliberately triggering my startle reflex were just part of the normal school day.  I was very upset about this in my 1st year & remember being told by my guidance teacher that the world wasn't going to change for me just because I had a disability and I had to toughen up! I still don't understand why the teachers didn't step in. They saw me being abused in the class & did nothing! My nickname was Spastic & I often wonder if there was a child with a racist term as a nickname if this would have been tolerated?
There was a boy in my year who had CP who I would chat to if we met waiting for Physio but apart from him I didn't know anyone that was disabled. I just accepted that the abuse was part of growing up & was going to be part of the rest of my life. 
I now don't tell people about my disability & just say I have a temporary injury for fear of being bullied again. I find it hard to make friends & have relationships as I am always suspicious about the intentions of others. 

Gwendoline1

Hiya the-velvet-girl,
My goodness, yet again I’m lost for words.
How vile those teacher were to you. I shouldn’t be shocked but I am.
My heart goes out to you.
I cannot get my head around why one human being would want to treat another human being, in such a disgusting way.
What as happened to you, makes mine trivial in comparison. Not that I’d ever want to make comparisons.
It’s a shocking world out there, how can we help people understand that everyone is the same. 
I can’t get my head around why anyone would want to make fun, abuse another person. I’m finding it hard to express how I feel, I’m totally shocked how you’ve been treated and are continually have to disguise your disability.
You sound like a wonderful person. Thank for allowing me into your life. Take care of yourself and again thank you ???

vysvader

In the same manner, e.g. also the race discrimination and offenses, or attacks on any other kind of a minority used to be absolutely normal. That's why I like aspies. 

Dunning-Kruger Effect isn't banal, also, I don't have the time for all and can't detach or defend against all aggressors because I try to integrate, but I learned that while I ignored the behavior, some of them started to think that they are for me invisible when spraying themselves with a lemon juice and I don't remember/understand it, or they just thoughts that it's "normal" and so none persecuted. It made it all even worse because everything that looked weak attracted them as a honeypot.

The trolley problem makes it great because statistics say clearly, the attackers all the time come in a group against an individual. Almost all psychopaths or just politically thinking people will tend to help them. Psychopaths are normal people and it's not a crime to be a psychopath. Perhaps, you'll prefer a psychopathic medic without a handshake when holds a scalpel, doesn't run/vomit when seeing a blood. However, otherwise, the chances are, you can finish as a dirt instead of the attacker and it doesn't have to be because of a movie-like "psychopath". In fact, we can think about any crime, however, the bullying is the most common implementation of the trolley problem because any criminals will argue to throw the responsibility, however, e.g. killers can't say that they're dead (the victims), meantime, the bullies can exchange the roles.  

Gwendoline1 said: I can’t get my head around why anyone would want to make fun, abuse another person. 

The principle's used as a 2nd class unofficial psycho test and base of Sigmund Freud's psychoanalysis. While a telepathy isn't possible, none's able to think, feel, see the world, and find the same motives as a different personality or experience because it produces different results. You can recognize e.g. a crime but not to think like a criminal if you don't. Also, criminals can explain your motives only as their own. They don't think about you anything nice. For example: 

This person took a vehicle similar to a tractor into the 1st class natural reserve without any roads (even in a normal forest with huge roads it's prohibited) and took down carnivorous plants (if there's still any), possibly killed tortures heating on the sun in the wetland, put it on her Facebook wall and gets likes from the local police's family and 1 local Slovakian Greenpeace ex-volunteer (her ex-classmate). Why none else does the same (destroy the plants, animals, and breach the laws)? She didn't find other motives than a fear from the unstable wetland ("and the police"). The person has been having the zero ability to guess others' thoughts, yet still, is furthermore confident in her guesses. 

I used to be bullied by my ex-classmates (their recidivist friends) and my family (incomplete, stepfamily and my father was all the time drunk), then they called whoever could. 

Also, I was receiving negative comments about my man-like features but I would see it very objectively in neither yours nor my case. Nowadays, I'm the same as you (none has got any comments) but perhaps, I was once or twice in a gym. I used to lift 85kg above my head and 130kg on benchpress, poorer later after my 23, thereafter further less. Nothing extra but it was enough that I didn't have to fight because none really wanted... My photo from 24 (the sun isn't the best) from 11 years ago when I was already down, lost a lot of muscles:
 
Perhaps, I don't feel bad for calling a police, especially, when they call anybody they can (they tried to persuade all whoever they might get on one). It's such primitive that it even bother me to speak (lose my time) about their favorite topics about "fear"... and similar intellectually stimulating goodnesses. Of course, I don't have any reason to fight with anybody (because it's a job of the police to take care of them) and don't see any reason to fear because of them even now when I don't have the muscles because, at any time, the police is paid to get rid of them. If you'll ask the people spreading the comments, they say that 8 years ago, I moved from the village and later from the country because of someone they call a "boxer" what was a 30kg and 1.5m kid visiting a primary school (it doesn't matter what he's now) and other "boys" (adult or not). Another, they're recidivists (so it was absolutely safe because they're still in a prison : ))))... 

thespiceman

Hello @MeandCP Thank you for sharing your story.

I would like to share the nasty sort of bullying called Mate Crime.

This is detrimental to your well being especially your mental health.

Because the person who is the bully is usually a close friend, also a person who may trust and care about.

Can be a family member or some one related.

First happened to me moved into a village isolated lonely. Met some new friends like you do. Some how felt vulnerable then things go missing.

Little things and it has and does get to you.  The friends I made I thought can not be them.

Things like bottle of milk,bread. One time did a shop went out locked my house. Came back to find some and many items missing in the bags of shopping. Why and how you became insane, did I forget or what is going on.

They did ask for a spare key. I did not know what is the harm.  You see they put ideas and notions in your head, fright scare you into thinking, if you get ill

Had suddenly realised I was living in fear of this man and worse his wife. Having control of everything.

Found myself hiding food and money and all my personal stuff.

Wake up in the morning find her there in my kitchen making coffee for herself not me.

Onetime started back drinking again and worse had this dread every morning , noon and night.  Had to find a way. Worse was that I wanted a friend not every realising these people driving me into a serious mental illness.

Day would begin and I would find her in my kitchen every day and even night-time's would never ever let me out of there sight.

Got no visitors any one turning up got short shift and ended up getting panics.

Once booked a taxi he the senior bully very much in control cancelled it. I suddenly realised this small close I lived in he was king bully and controller. Many of the elderly and old, infirm frightened and scarred.

Had to do some thing. Besides my addiction was bad  even worse that was something had to deal with.

One night lost it after a session and he suddenly and her the two bullies who where shocked to see that I was losing it.

Then Mr and Mrs. Nasty would show their true colours. The name calling and me in rehab trying to cope once again.  Come home to find them hurling insults, threats and everything else.

After eighteen months grow strong, free of the addiction and anything else. Never stayed in and the only thing began was that he and her imparted knowledge about their lifestyle to me.

That was the chance to move away. On the final day of the tenancy he purposely blocked me in and the van to get way.

Unfortunately I had the strength to say my piece and the friend who helped did a lot for my courage.

I can honestly say do and say about his . One time to local policeman. Seems now there are units set up by the police to look into this.

One final point you do not know this is happening before it is too late.  They usually start off by being kind and supportive. Really friendly charming. and then after a while the little things start happening.

Another aspects of this are getting bank account details, control over benefit money. I lost some money in a envelope I use for personal use. You know went off on one because it was small amounts gone. I never thought it was them.

Understand the one problem with this is too prove it. Because it is one word against another. I mentioned mine story and he said do and could have had cameras fitted in your home.

So it history but I say to anyone please consider the options of speaking to the police about this.  Even if you live in a Council or housing association property. They do have some one who you can talk to.

I had the realisation I thought never ever meet some one again and be so trusting.  Time will heal though.

Thanks for reading.

Take care

@thespiceman

Gwendoline1

Hiya the spiceman,
My goodness I’m lost for words.
What strength you found.
You are an inspiration.
You succeeded.
But went through the mill well and truly.
Im so glad you’re in a far better place now ( not literally)
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with myself and everyone else.
Ive read a number of your post on here, helping people in all ways you can. I’ve thought numerous times how caring and helpful you are.
Our gain.
Thank you, truly thank you.
Keep strong and take care. ???

thespiceman

Hello @Gwendoline1 Thank you for kind words. What for me makes the forum. Is the  community members like yourself.

Being appreciative, supportive and having the time to share and care.

I only mentioned what I have been through because it is evident only when problems emerge.  Later.

Please do wish to alarm any one but it is shocking what I have been told..  By listening to the local police. Who often visit support groups.  Telling the disabled, elderly and mentally ill.

Which in one told this story through much emotion and upset.  Even do know not alone with this.  Thing was no one knew not even my close friends till I left the area and felt safe to do so.

One final point is this is even more nasty is this. Those employed in the care sector to look after the elderly, disabled and mentally ill. Some as we have seen in the media are and have become bullies.

Which as we all know tarnished the good image of the care industry.  Those programmes on morning on the TV.

Even more alarming was the story told by the police in a support group I attended. Which to this day resonates to me and I apologise if I cause destress.

Employing a family friend to look after their ageing relative.  Who knew the relative and was friends with that person.

Simple things would go missing like the fridge items and little things in the stores.  After the family had put in shopping.  Plus one of the family members noticed the relative feel a lot of anger towards the carer. The family friend, put this down to moods and medication.

They said . You see that is the issue the lying and cover up begins.  So it started till money had gone and it escalated from there.  In the end one of the families grandsons became alarmed and concerned.

Communication was being sanctioned. The elderly relative and the family friend had control over her to speak and kept interrupting. Worse the visits often were terminated.  All sorts of excuses.

Paranoia sets in as well in your mental mind. One and only time the family friend the carer had to go for an appointment. The family realised there chance. Spoke to the elderly relative.

Who was defying everything, frightened and scared. So that is when the police were called set up cameras.

Small ones and the horrific abuse was relayed for all to see.

What happened to the bully.  Nothing really this is the point. Sentences, fines , cautions too lenient  . Evidence weak, because the victims are too traumatised to tell anything.

The sad story I am afraid was the police told us this elderly relative died.

This is the society we live in.

Understand and hope I did not cause you any  alarm my concern.

Lovely to meet you.

Thanks for your time and reading my long post. Apologise. Had to say that.

Take care

@thespiceman

Gwendoline1

Hiya thespiceman,
You are very brave to share your experiences for others to read.
Before I became a retail manager I was a care manager at my parents residential home. I absolutely loved my job and adored caring for people. The stories that I’ve been told make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.
Abuse didn’t only happen by friends and family but in hospitals too. 
I cannot understand why one human being can inflict so much pain and misery on another.
Surely seeing another person smile or say thank you means so much more.
Im baffled completely baffled by this.
Thank you again for sharing. Take care of yourself. ???

Salamka101

I was admitted to Hospital in 1949 as a result of polio. I was eventually released into the care of the childcare system in September 1958 - 9+ years of safety followed by years of physical bullying. 3 foster homes, 6 different primary schools and 3 Secondary schools. I could write the book on bullies.
The one place |I did not expect to run into, it was here on the Scope site.

Gwendoline1

Hiya Salamka101,
Im so sorry to here what you’ve been through. 
Id heard some horrific stories of what these wonderful people had been thrown, truly heartbreaking. 
I have no experience regarding forums/ sites other than here for the last few months.
 I may be barking up the wrong tree, so I hope someone will correct me if I’m wrong. I’m sure you could phone scope and tell them what as happened on here and I’m sure they would  help you.
Over the last number of years since my disability well and truly as set in I’ve found sadly this is a cruel world, my advice would be is to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you and to forget the rest.
Easier said than done, I’ve learnt that one.
Lifes to short and precious to allow nasty cruel people to upset you. 
I try to do something positive for myself. I might watch an old program I used to enjoy or at the moment it’s listening to Christmas songs. It’s hard but I try.
Take care of yourself ?

thespiceman

Hello @Salamka101 First may I thank you for sharing your story. Second I apologise if you have been bullied on the forum.

Please can I tell you I want the forum to be a safe and pleasant place for all members.  Every one to be respectable and consider other views and opinions.

 I am one of the team of community champions on the site. There are many of us.

Part of our role is to guide and support new members plus to see the site is policed correctly .

Please have a look at our Community House rules.

I suggest this because if that you feel that some one is bullying you on the site. You can report this.  By clicking on the flag icon.  In the left hand corner at the bottom of this post I am writing.

I and the team are doing our best to stamp this out. I spend a long time of my day to go around the forum. Checking new members and also looking at posts to see their suitability under our Community Guide..

Which is not easy to do may I add. I do know that is a feeble excuse for what has happened to you. I live alone and have to look after my self and other duties.

I understand have and do make reports if and when I can. All I can say is I apologise once again. Trying my best to help and support the community. The people who are I call  friends and who I care about is every one.

Care passionately about and have concern all the time to hear stories of members being harmed and hurt by insinuations and emotions can run high.

Please if this happens again you can either flag this up or Email directly the SCOPE  team  community@scope.org.uk.

I want to reassure you I am and do want the forum to be a safe place.

Pleasure to meet you.

Take care

@thespiceman