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To the woman who tutted at me for using an accessible toilet

Sam_Alumni

I run a blog called So Bad Ass about life with Inflammatory Bowel Disease and an ostomy bag and how it feels to live with this illness, surgeries, medications and recovery. In February 2015, the blog went viral when I wrote an open letter to the woman who tutted at me for using accessible toilets.

In this raw, passionate letter, I let out my hurt and anger of being judged by strangers. Over the past few years I have, on occasion, needed to use the accessible toilets.

And as our theme for the next two weeks is around toilets, I thought I would take a look back on this event as unfortunately, I don't feel that things are getting any better. You can read part of the letter below and check out the original post here.

woman with short hair lifting her brown top to show an ileostomy bag

Dear lady who loudly tutted at me using the accessible loos,

I know you saw me running in, with my able bodied legs and all. You saw me opening the door with my two working arms. You saw me without a wheelchair. Without any visible sign of disability.

You tutted loudly as I rattled the handle with my hands that work perfectly and my able voice call to my kids that I’d be out in just a minute.

My lack of wheelchair may have suggested to you that I was some lazy cow who didn’t care. Some inconsiderate b***h who was using something I wasn’t entitled too. (I actually carry a card to explain that I’m entitled to and have a disability key if you’d have cared to ask). You may have seen my face blushing as I caught your eye and assumed I was showing guilt at blagging the accessible loos.

The fact is that I have no bowel. I sometimes have accidents which means a large toilet that has a sink right by me means I can clean myself up when things go awry.

Whilst I’m at it, I’d like to address the cleaner in the supermarket ladies toilets I used this week. As I ran in, knees together, bursting through the door and running to the cubicle, I’m sorry that the noise of my (lack of) bowels made you burst out laughing.

I can actually take the sniggering as since I had a pouch made from my small intestine because my disease ridden colon was removed during surgery, the noise I make when I defecate is hilariously loud. Seriously, I get it. It’s comedic in it’s volume.

But before you ran outside the loos and called to your friend “OH MY GOD! You should hear the noise in there!!! I wouldn’t go in if I was you!!!!” Perhaps you could have noted my daughter who was waiting outside with our trolley because her mum had had to leave her stranded to run to the toilet. Perhaps you could have stopped and heard me sobbing with pain because the acid in my stools has no way to be neutralised because I don’t have a large intestine and so opening my bowels actually burns my skin.

Perhaps you both could have shown a little empathy, a little compassion, a little understanding.

Have you faced barriers to using accessible toilets? Let us know what has happened and how you dealt with it.

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Comments

Ami2301

I am so sorry you had to experience this @Sam_Scope

Are you going to complain to the store?

Sam_Alumni

It was a few years ago @Ami2301 but honestly, it happens all the time!

Richard_Scope

It is good to be reminded of how a little empathy can go along way. Really powerful @Sam_Scope

Ami2301

I don't understand why it is so difficult for others to have empathy. If you went back to that moment, would you have said something to her?

Sam_Alumni

Its hard to say, right now I think yes, I would pull them up, inform, educate and hopefully change their views, but I know that when it happens, I shrink, the words stick in my throat, I get hot and red faced, I feel embarrassed and upset and it is so hard to stand up for myself in the moment!

Ami2301

I can see where you're coming from, for everyone, I wish it were easy to stand up for ourselves as easy as it is for others to make us feel small

elizabethr

I understand abd empathise completely. I have crohns, IBS and Fybro all of which are invisible. I have had peopke glare at me but usually when I've come out and obviously kept people waiting. I used to feel the need to explain/apologise but I dont now. I have a "i can't wait" from the crohns association and now have a radar key but before that I had a very embarrassing experience. I was out at a pub type restaurant and went and asked for the key for the disabled toilet, one the look of disdain I got from the member of staff would have turned you to stone but worse was the that, due to the key always going missing, it was attached to the most enormous empty plastic ice cream container which I then had to carry with me through the crowded pub. I am very grateful now though to the work of Action for ME and the Crohns association for encouraging a lot of places to add the the wording "some illnesss are invisible

berthA22

I do not have bowel problem,but I do sympathise with your problem.I have alung problem,some days are better than others,and sometimes I can walk a bit more than others. Some people see me walking and question why I need a mobility scooter,I woild not use one if I did not need to. Any form of disabiity is a challenge to a persons life.Always remember that the **** does think,ignore and enjoy your children and family,and life to the full.

JennysDad

Very sad reading, @Sam_Scope, not the less sad for the knowledge that I might make an unsympathetic judgment from time to time. More and more it is what we are taught to do through the media, endorsing and exploiting the government's drive to personify the unemployed, the sick and the vulnerable as 'cheats'. These are bloody awful times.
Thank you for making me think, and for your courage.
@JennysDad

Angiebabes2410

My ex husband had crohns disease and many many times people tutted at him because in their opinion he didn't look disabled enough to use the disabled toilet, me on the other hand they hardly ever had a problem with because I was in a wheelchair. He carried a card saying he was entitled to use the disabled toilet but some people have opinions about everything that is none of their business. I get huffed at for parking in a disabled parking space until they see me getting my wheelchair out of the car but it's so embarrassing when people judge you wrongly xx hugs

debbiedo49

I was very moved by your story . Thanks for sharing. Personally if you need to use the disabled toilet go ahead anyone. I don’t need to know why. I wish everyone else would mind their own business. On a side note I might laugh if someone next to me made loud toilet noises in the next cubicle as I have what I call inappropriate humour. You know like laughing at funerals when someone sings terribly? I have to kick myself lol. But I would probably apologise profusely or ask you if you were okay. I have ibs and anxiety and sometimes I have to get to a toilet. It’s terrifying. I usually go for the closest. I do prefers the disabled toilets though.

thespiceman

Hello @Sam_Scope Thank first for sharing what to many is a difficult and intimate part of our lives.

Understand and do know have issues here with certain members of the public who are critical of those using such facilities. First making a wrong judgement answered to me in the hospital a few weeks ago.

Shouting at me you are not disabled. This is for those in wheelchairs. I replied back what do call that with my hands and I have an addiction history. Which has effected the bladder and everything else.

Have to go and need to use what is there and as it is a disabled toilet.

From a so called member of the staff who has nothing better things to do than have a go at some one who is of a need.

Told him the honest truth .

Is this the society we want to be in living in. People going around with clip boards. Checking who is disabled or not to use what is an essential need.

God help us all and I pray every night for those going through enough in their lives with out getting a lot of hassle just wanting to go to the toilet..

Thing was though noticed no toilet near reception as I scurried out of the hospital. So I bet the staff used the disabled toilet , seems the nearest one. Just a thought .

Take care

@thespiceman

JulesA65

It is very sad that a lot of people thing all disabilities have to be "visible" or "on show". I have joint problems in my knees - usually hidden beneath trousers or long skirts. In cold weather I struggle going up stairs - so yes I WILL use the disabled toilet on the ground floor lol I usually go after my husband has been to i can use his RADAR key or he will open the door for me lol. People are so judgemental and ignorant. There is a saying or even a couple spring to mind - "Never judge a book by its cover" and "Let him without sin cast the first stone". The latter to me is - if you are so perfect then lucky you!!

jackieann

In this day and age the toilets should be multi functional for people of all abilities. Not all disabilities are visible.

Geoark

Ami2301 said:

I don't understand why it is so difficult for others to have empathy. If you went back to that moment, would you have said something to her?

@Ami2301

Unfortunately lack of empathy is not restricted to the healthy. Here is a couple of examples from one thread on the community.

"and how the people who stay there are not people you want to mix with. They house ex-cons, those who have left care and the disabled. I have no problem with ex-cons - if they want to change." so some empathy if you are a reformed convict.

"This or that person ticks the box for a conveyor belt leading to priority of available housing. Why?

Immigrant, convict, alcoholic, junkie, mental health, learning disabled, ex forces, breeder of children, single parent, evicted tenant, and, the current fashion, domestic violence. "

Just two members who are quick to dismiss those with disabilities, and one stating that you would not want to mix with people with disabilities. We have a third who regularly posts about those with 'real disabilities' - ie those in wheelchairs, effectively dismissing those with 'unreal' disabilities.

micope60

There are a Host of Reasons for People to use Accessible Toilets & it is not necessary to be Wheelchair bound to qualify. I have Minor Incontinence, which may not sound like a great Disability, but given the choice, I prefer to nip into an Accessible Toilet than say, climb Stairs, or go into Basements to prevent an embarrassing event. Age UK Incontinence Advisers provide a Free Card saying "Please give me Priority, I need to go now!", which is helpful to everyone, I think.

Pippa_Alumni

Welcome to the community, @micope60!

spinbobbin

I have Pm_scl basically my body is turning to stone I'm on some hearty meds that give me an unpredictable tummy and yes I have accidents I don't like messing my pants but it happens when it does I have to use the disabled toilets . Unfortunately I don't have a card saying I'm disabled but in a small cubicle there is not enough room for me to change I wish I had a sign round my neck !

Styal

A salutary reminder about disability and thank you for sharing the issues you've had. I think it is good that nowadays quite a few places and retail stores have a notice by the disabled toilet to remind people that not all disabilities are visible. A few years ago I was at a racecourse where the disabled toilet was directly between the gents and ladies toilets, both of which had long queues. I have a 'visible' disability and was in my wheelchair 2 metres back from the disabled toilet door to allow sufficient space for the person exiting, if they were wheelchair bound or had a rollator. When the person came out, not wheelchair bound, a guy from the gents queue quickly nipped in even though I shouted at him as he was shutting the door. So rude. The course has more recently made a radar key necessary to use the disabled toilet so preventing this situation I hope. On a not unrelated issue, why do so many disabled toilets not have a mirror? We (especially ladies) would like to check our appearance, brush our hair, renew lipstick,etc just as others can. Have occasionally challenged establishments about this by asking whether the Ladies toilets have mirrors, and when get a strange look and affirmative response, then I inquire why does the disabled toilet not!!

cripps

I’m a disabled person in a wheelchair and unfortunately i can’t be too far away from a toilet ?. I’ve visited several toilets in my time and I’ve never come across a clean one. As soon as you go in you don’t want to be there but unfortunately i have to use it. The biggest problem I’ve found is most of them you don’t need the key to get in which is a big problem because people that aren’t disabled use them and leave them in a right mess not thinking that it has to be clean for disabled people with extreme health conditions. All that’s required is for companies to think about what pressure a disability brings . Maybe companies don’t care anymore.