Guilty about failing friends

cracker

My disability has distanced me from people who don't understand and who continue to live their normal lives when I can no longer participate in their activities.

I feel so alone because of these losses and  I know it is  because of my disability that I have lost friends.

siobhan1

I know exactly how you feel... my counsellor says that having an illness or disability can make you frieve for the life you had before, including friends.

I realised is lots of things can make you feel this way though. When I was 16 I needed money so I opted to work rather than go to college. I felt like I hardly saw my friends as they were all at college and I was stuck in work all the time. I had money to do things and they didn't so it distanced us. Over the years I made new friends I had things in common with. Then years later it happened again when I got pregnant and everyone was going to pubs and I wanted to stay in and read bedtime stories.

More recently it's happened again from being ill and cancelling on people all the time. I do have one friend who has stuck by me through all the years but unfortunately he moved away and we only see each other once or twice a year as we both have families. I realised that all of those other people who, in truth, good friends at the time, maybe weren't meant to be part of my life forever.

I have had to cancel on people so many times over the years due to interstitial cystitis meaning I have to stay in the bathroom, or them planning mini golf or bowling trips I can't participate in because of my wheelchair... people got annoyed with me or stopped asking me to go... I feel like they were friends with the old me, the one who was healthy... and they are trying to stay friends with someone they don't really know or understand any more. 

I'm 30 and I have one friend. I'm getting married next year and I look at people's photos with people smiling and loads of bridesmaids as they couldn't choose. Part of me wanted that life but the other part of me is getting excited that myself and my fiance are taking my daughters on a holiday and coming back married and it's a big secret... just us and nobody else to worry about. I'm finding ways to change my life that don't involve lots of other people because I'm happy in myself. I hope you can find that feeling.

I'm sorry I don't have much advice but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling that way. Hope you're ok! 

cracker

Thank you for the understanding. I have had to cancel so much that I am loathe to make any commitments.

Plaguing me is also the fact that I know I must have hurt them by withdrawing from them.

siobhan1

I know exactly how you feel @cracker

I now refrain from actively trying to make new friends because I realised that sometimes my illness doesn't make me the best friend sometimes.

I think that's why I get on with my friend who lives some distance away because we both have young families and don't feel obliged to talk every day or meet up all the time.

wilko

 sorry to hear that your illnesses and disability finds you and your friends have deserted you or more than that have not made allowances to include in their social life as before you disability begun. Having to give up your work, hobbies and other activities can and is a challenge to adapt to. Myself doing a full time job farming and involved in church ministry was a great effort to come to terms with knowing I would be away fro both activities for 12 weeks I got used to but as the weeks past and I know I would never return to work or minster at church again was for me easy to accept, because I am a Christian may have helped I still am involved in church activities but unable to minister or do personal house calls but it hasn’t stop me from doing patrol care all be it via the telephone. There are so many ways we can keep in touch with our “ friends” through phone, email, Facebook messenger txt . So being lonely can be for some and no doubt many self inflicted and for most it the lack of care and compassion in the local community and neighbourhood, where is the next door neighbor??

Lisa2006

cracker said:

My disability has distanced me from people who don't understand and who continue to live their normal lives when I can no longer participate in their activities.

I feel so alone because of these losses and  I know it is  because of my disability that I have lost friends.

Lisa2006

I find I don’t get invited anywhere because it’s hard with the wheelchair. So I stayed on my own most of that over Christmas