Offloading my secrets — Scope | Disability forum
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Offloading my secrets

teaparty2 Member Posts: 18 Courageous
carrying my secrets is so exhausting and such a weight . I feel it physically at the end of the day. I hope that if I share it here, it’s easier to manage, no harm in trying is there. Anyway I have experienced a variety of abuse that spans 36 years and 3 abusers in total. I am in touch and have a very good relationship with 2 of the 3 abusers as my memory blocked out most things apart from half a dozen experiences. Anyway they act as if nothing happened and this is just so weird. I keep going over the abusive experiences to make sure my memory isn’t playing tricks. Is it possible for a man to not realise his behaviour is abusive? Even sexually? When someone says ..I don’t want to.... and he says shhhh... and carries on anyway ... surely that’s not ok? What a strange scenario.. having a good relationship with former abusers... my heart is hammering as I write, no idea why but nothing I can’t cope with.


  • EmmaB
    EmmaB Member Posts: 263 Pioneering
    Hi @teaparty2
    I think it's quite common for abusers to think they are doing nothing wrong and indeed many abusers shift the blame onto the person they are abusing... That's how they can justify doing it and keeping it going.
    It could be that your abusers literally believe they have done nothing wrong.  They might even believe they were doing the abused person a favour or that the abused person enjoyed it, or whatever excuse they can come up with...
    So when I read your post I was wondering whether there was a part of you that wants them to take responsibility for and/or acknowledge their actions and if they did, what impact that might have on you [and likewise, what would be the impact if they won't take responsibility and/or acknowledge what they did...]?
    You obviously don't have to answer those questions here but something to ponder and something to take to counselling if you go down that route?
    All the best.
  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,798 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @teaparty2, well done for having the courage to share this with us. What you're describing isn't okay at all, and I'm truly sorry to hear about your experiences. I think you would benefit from some additional support that unfortunately we cannot offer solely here on the community.

    I wonder whether you would be comfortable speaking with our helpline team? You can reach them for free at 0808 800 3333 or find other ways of getting in touch here. It may also be worth seeing if there is a sexual assault referral centre near you who could provide further support. Please do keep in touch, and if we can be of any assistance, just let us know.
  • teaparty2
    teaparty2 Member Posts: 18 Courageous
    hi pippa- this site has given me the courage to email a centre that offers support. No way would I have done that before I came on here.How cool is that!
  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,798 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm so glad to hear that @teaparty2, well done you! Please do keep us updated, and here's to small, positive steps forwards!


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