Whats wrong with me? — Scope | Disability forum
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Whats wrong with me?

Haleyjane Member Posts: 7 Listener
Iv always struggled to build on relationships,  especially romantically.  My latest ex has autism and she said i never understood her.  I tried my best,  but its difficult when i dont understand me,  why do i feel the need to be praised?  Everytime im angry i meltdown,  i always had to ask her what she wanted me to do especially if we didnt have any plans.  My routine was to be a good partner and find a job,  but i been struggling to find a job,  and emotionally support her,  and to understand the way i process. If anything i feel she didnt really take the time to get to know me.  I have repeated phrases,  i struggle to understand some tasks that are asked of me.  I meltdown when i feel pressure and just elope.  Can someone please help me?  


  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,793 Disability Gamechanger
    Thank you for sharing this with us @Haleyjane, and I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. Relationships are complex, and I hope our brilliant @PSHEexpert will be able to share some words of wisdom with you. 

    You mention struggling to find a job. You may like to post in our employment discussions, and you may also be interested in having a look at Scope's Support to Work scheme.
  • mossycow
    mossycow Member Posts: 485 Pioneering
    Hi there 
    @Haleyjane, your post has so much in it but I wanted to tel you that there's nothing in there that I've not seen in partners or friends or myself. 

    I reckon there are not many people who can cope with not being praised, being angry.... Finding a job and finding and building a relationship are two of the hardest, most stressful things to do I think!

    I don't know you so I'm sorry if I have this wrong  but it sounds to me like you are putting so much pressure on yourself. Sounds like you are trying so hard to be the perfect partner, get a job, understand yourself....

    My advice, speaking not as an expert  might be to take the pressure off. Look for work but perhaps gain some skills if possible around the work you want to do. E.g Voluntary work, classes, work experience, ... Not aways easy.. But I'm thinking if you DO things you like and are good at... You'll meet people you have things in common with and this might help you relate to each other more.?

    I met my husband doing a show together... Both of us weren't going to do the show (HMS pinafore) but got roped in.... 

    You are a fab person even out of work. This isn't a failing, many of us don't or can't work and it's hard but it doesn't make us less attractive, less caring or less awesome. 

    You sound like you've put your partner first and tried so hard..... Many mnay people would be lucky to have a partner like that, like you. 

  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hi @Haleyjane, I am so sorry to hear you've had such a rough time!  It is so hard when you're trying your best to get everything right and it feels like nothing is working.  It does sound like you're feeling a lot of pressure and that's very difficult to cope with.

    Something that comes across in your post is that you feel like you don't understand what people are feeling or what they need.  That can be really confusing and it also tends to make people feel really anxious.  That's bound to put a lot of pressure on you, and on the relationship - especially if your ex was autistic, because they might have struggled to understand why you were finding ti hard.  There's nothing wrong with you at all - you just process and understand things differently and if your partner was autistic then it's likely that her processes and understanding of your feelings was different, too.  Sometimes we all need a bit of support - it's not because you're doing anything wrong, just that a different perspective can help get things straight.

    I wondered if you have anyone who you can talk to - a friend, your mum, a support worker?  

    - Gill 
  • Haleyjane
    Haleyjane Member Posts: 7 Listener
    It is hard especially when you question why you're so different.  Iv just started councelling 
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    @Haleyjane that is absolutely brilliant about the counselling.  It's a great way to explore things you're worrying about in a safe space - I really hope it helps you find a way through some of this.  It's the kindest thing you could possibly have done for yourself. I send you all my very best! 

    - Gill 
  • woodbine
    woodbine Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,769 Disability Gamechanger
    One bit of advice I would give anyone starting counselling is to be as open and honest with your counsellor as possible, I speak from experience having had 3 lots of counselling over the years and only the last one was of any use because I opened up and was honest both with myself and to the counsellor.
    Be extra nice to new members.
  • mossycow
    mossycow Member Posts: 485 Pioneering
    edited September 2019


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