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Has your partner ever been mistaken for your carer?

We're talking about sex and relationships this week. Wheelchair user Jasmine recently shared her story in the media, about how her boyfriend can be mistaken for her carer.
She explained: ‘People are constantly calling Alex a hero, or telling him it’s great he can “see past” my wheelchair.
‘I know they mean well, but I find it patronising, and it erases my experiences. We both know I’m disabled – we can’t pretend otherwise – but I’m still me.
‘I know they mean well, but I find it patronising, and it erases my experiences. We both know I’m disabled – we can’t pretend otherwise – but I’m still me.
You can read the rest of the piece here. Can you relate to Jasmine's experiences? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Replies
Senior online community officer
Is it harsh? Yes, I suppose it is to most people but living alone does have some benefits. As I said, I have never regretted my decision, not even when the loneliness does happen.
For those that think this is a bad choice then let me explain something......
I suffer spinal degeneration in a way that no one, not doctors, orthopaedics nor pain clinics have ever experienced. It is progressive and extremely painful, so much so that I can barely walk after 13 years since it was diagnosed. I am only 62 so can expect to spend many years getting worse every 2-3 months. Every lady that has shown interest has always held the opinion that there is some reasonable solution. There isn't. I have tried so hard to find anything that I have alienated many doctors and surgeries and even the pain clinic and orthopaedics. Now I get little or no support and probably never will. There is no potential solution and soon I will be bed-bound. It could easily destroy someone that loved me and it's hard enough on my family, let alone getting someone else involved.
TK
Specialist Information Officer - Cerebral Palsy
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I have my partner of many years as my carer but I do know he has never been asked if he's ok with it or any one has ever commented about me in a degrading way, I have quite a few friends who are also unable to do everything for themselves and they have been having no problem with people looking down on them.
Yes obviously people will possibly know my partner is my carer, why wouldn't they, if we love each other and I was able bodied and he was incapacitated I would definitely want to care for him.
Also if I ever came across someone who I felt was patronising me I would in a polite but firm way make sure they didn't do it again.
Being unable to walk does not make me lose my voice.
Im sorry that others live in environments that have this type of uneducated people in them, it's sad that their are still people like this still.
I'm reading this discussion with interest. I have never had people/outsiders interested or comment on our disabilities. When I say our it's because we now both have chronic health conditions and to a certain extent we are both carers. Unfortunately we had only been married 12 months and together 2 when my husband started with a progressively deteriorating pain condition which has now brought a whole load of other issues mentally and physically. I had to fight to get his diagnosis and fight for financial help at the same time as have 2 young children and being the main earner with a stressful job. The stress on me was never truly appreciated until I was diagnosed with crohns/ME CFS/Fybromialgia. It was always poor "hubby". Over the years we have separated 3 times due to the stress and each time got back together.
All during this time people on the periphary would judge me as being unsupportive but for me it's like being married but not really having a partner to share things with. So whereas we have not had derogatory comments about being a carer it was always comments about not wanting to be a carer.
Needless to say I ditched all the "friends" that were only really acquaintances (if they were true friends they wouldn't have offered the opinions they did. I now have a very tight knit group of friends who know our situation and whilst they do empathise with my husband they also understand things from my point of view.
Read more: https://metro.co.uk/2019/01/19/disabled-woman-slams-strangers-who-mistake-her-boyfriend-for-her-carer-8359106/?ito=cbshare&fbclid=IwAR2F9ZvZ18rIoPasotCmw7QsdpE2x_B8kJScw-A7o5RowsIBKBsFKXgDmTE?ito=cbshare .
whilst we might be privileged in people not judging us as having a ‘service user / carer’ relationship, the lack of government recognition does take its toll. The grass is not necessarily any greener!
I have no problem with doing so, and, when I was worrying about dementia etc and told her if the time came I didn't know her or was abusive I wanted her to find me a care home and move on, she firmly told me she married me for better or worse and on no account would she do any such thing.
Your post is both realistic and compassionate
I am 59, I know I am worsening with each passing month, but I refuse to give in and I have a man in my life who is absolutely wonderful, he takes each problem in his stride and doesn't think of himself as my carer, merely caring about me and doing all he can to make life as normal as possible with me. I refuse to give in to it, I will not use a wheelchair, not until I am absolutely unable to put one foot in front of the other and I absolutely will never give in to the point where I am bed bound. It will not beat me, I think that attitude is what keeps me going!