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connoro007

My name is Connor. I’m a 23 year old male. I have recently found out that I have ADHD. I also have a history of deliberate self harm and suicide attempts. I also have GAD. There is also a big possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum. I’ve been on psychiatric wards due to suicide attempts. Socially I have always struggled. Looking back on my life it’s become so obvious that I was different. Since I was a small child I have rocked my head. I was bullied relentlessly because of it. I was taken off my mother and rehomed with my grandparents due to her drug habits. Lots of other things have happened in my life. I’ve lost friends to suicide, battled drug addiction. I’ve lost jobs through silly mistakes. I used to hate the way I looked. I love to research things. I figured out how to get my body into good shape and alter my appearance to compensate for what I always thought was a ‘flawed personality’. This worked for a while. I’ve onlt ever had one relationship. I still think about her from time to time and how things may have been different had I known my ailments sooner. I work and support people with autism and challenging behaviour. I care so much about the people I work with, and have always considered myself an advocate for them. I get along better with the people I support than ‘neurotypicals’ and it’s starting to become apparent as to why this is the case. My grandparents fail to understand me and no matter how much I try to educate them it is to no prevail. I find myself reading forums like this daily but this is the first time reaching out. I think about suicide a lot of the time. I’ve tried to further my education by going to college. I had to have a learning coach and had to see the college counsellor on a regular basis. I attempted my a levels twice and an access to biological science course 4 times. The pressure of trying to fit in, mask my social anxiety and keep up with the work load whilst working full time and using drugs such as [removed by moderator]. It all makes sense now as to why I could not do it. I sensed that I had ADHD and I knew full well that I had anxiety issues when it came to socialising. I tried to get a diagnosis through the nhs but it was taking forever. Last October I tried to take my own life. I took a load of aspirin, drank two bottles of wine and had a bath and cut into the arteries on my right arm. The bath filled with blood and I was saved by my grandfather. Fast forward to the present and I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (privately) and GAD and have been told that I display major traits of autistic spectrum disorder. I’m currently off the drugs (however I do use Xanax to curb suicidal thoughts). I am prescribed Concerta at 54mg a day along with fast release in the evening, 600mg of lyrica, propranolol as and when needed and 45mg of mirtazipine. I’m truly struggling. I know how hard it is for the autistic community as I work in the sector. My emotions are just so intense. I feel so lonely when I’m not at work. I’m reaching out to the crisis team and doing all I can to try to help myself. The feelings of failure, the constant ‘what ifs’, and dealing with finally being diagnosed and opening my eyes as to who I am and why I have acted the way I have throughout my life hurts so much. I still have a glimmer of hope to go university. Seeing the lack of compassion people have for other people in this world is my main driving force. Reflecting on supporting people with more pronounced autism has opened my eyes as to how little people actually care. I’ve always had a strong interest in neurology, anatomy and how the body works. Not being able to pursue higher education is hurting me badly. I feel like my voice isn’t being heard. A lot of the time I spend alone in my bedroom watching things I enjoy or reading about things. I long for companionship, someone who truly gets me. Someone to truly care about me and love me, flaws and all. I’ve had so many dates and stuff enter my life only to leave without explanation. I started to develop feelings for a girl I work with - however I confided in a close female colleague about this. I was told that she “could never be with someone who has what I got”. This truly hurts. I’m in so much pain. I have a faint idea of how life turns out for people on the supposed “high end” of the spectrum - totalled with adhd, an addictive personality and chronic feelings of loneliness (not to mention being terrible with money management, leading me to be in a lot of debt) and a history of self harm/suicide attempts, each day gets harder to endure. I’m constantly looking for a way to fix things or a way out. Looking at statistics, being alone and having a lack of positive human interaction, there’s a great likelihood of me returning to drug addiction. A life doing drugs in a bedroom on your own, knowing how flawed you are is a life I cannot and will not live. I feel myself slowing slipping into a depression, my healthy eating habits are starting to diminish. I’m more isolated than I have ever been before. I don’t know what to do and I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to the questions. Life truly is difficult at this point in time and it’s never been easy.

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Comments

thespiceman

Hello @connoro007 Pleased to meet you.

Thank first of all for sharing your post. I do understand what you have been through as do lot of our community.

Coming from an addiction background myself it is difficult day to day how you go through coping.

I think what is important first of all is finding what you want. Consider this I know myself. Having mental health issues do know it is how you need to find the right support. The right guidance and advice to continue to maintain your mental health and to cope with your addiction.

The hard part is being able to come off I know this myself. Those cravings, emotions.

It is good to hear you are in contact with your Mental health crisis team . Also your Doctor.

I do understand the need to talk to them to discuss how you are feeling, emotional and day by day week. I do also know being a man is it not easy to discuss this.

I have been there so many times. Especially addiction situation.

Know there are helplines and support groups you can call.

Talk to Frank is a good support network to contact.

https://www.talktofrank.com.

Call Helpline 0300 123 6600.

I am an alcoholic been one for thirty years now clean for twelve. Had drug problems as well.

Contacted Talk to Frank one night had those feeling and cravings.

Got a call back talking to me.

Trained counsellor.

Thought just mentioned this to give some reassurance.

I do know it helped. Informative website.

So I hope I can guide, advise you . One suggestion I know you have a crisis team. I have used them before myself.

I hope there are helping you.

One thing I used is mental health charities. Some thing else to look at.

Used this one last time.

https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.

Get floating support out reach worker. Help with anything additional. Do help clientele with other issues. Wellbeing and benefits.

You have made one important step being in touch with our community. We are here to be supportive.

Pleasure to meet you.

Anything I can do please ask.

Wish you well. Keep in touch.

Take care.

@thespiceman

connoro007

I understand exactly what you mean. This is off topic but when speaking to friends I’ve had, for example if I called them ‘bro’ and used an emoji I automatically feel like I’ve done something wrong or they’re off with me. That’s taken a long time but at least you have goals you can and will reach? I’m sorry to hear that you can’t work because of it. I’ve had instances where I’ve not been able to as well but then that adds to the bad feelings. Totally understand where you’re coming from. When I’m extremely agitated I will pace back and forth my living room continuously talking at my grandparents. I’ve self harmed but hitting/breaking objects or head butting things is what I’ve done but I realised going to the gym instead after work is a lot better! I’ve had a person from pathways come out to see me so I will reach out to her. Thank you and good luck with building up to therapy!

connoro007

@thespiceman thanks for your post. Being sober for that long is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself! It is a hard situation isn’t it. Most of my old friends use drugs like cocaine on a regular basis so at the moment I do not speak to them, it’s just so difficult as I’m essentially isolating myself.

I spent all of the last 2 years smoking cannabis alone in my bedroom desperately wanting a girlfriend then I realised focusing on myself and leading the life I want to live would be so much more rewarding than having someone else be the source of happiness or having to use drugs. Thanks for your post man!

So much admiration for people like you who change their life around then help others facing similar situations.

Thank you for the links will definitely look into it.

Joining this has realised how many selfless people there are around doing their best to make a difference to this ****** world!

Look after yourself man!

vysvader

@connoro007
That's why I wrote the links (removed by a moderator, again and again without a real reason...). The links consisted of two lists with a lot of free distance learning Bachelors and Masters degree programs in neurology, medicine, etc (the vast majority of EU countries provide free higher education financed from taxes and on many universities, you can study in Eglish like on some of Scandinavian, German, French... universities so before the Brexit, before the UK leaves the EU, you are yet eligible). You could do it from Wells (there are already hundreds of universities those allow you to do exams online with the condition that you install a software that gives your examiner/professor a remote control over your Pc so they see what happens on your screen/monitor in exactly the same way as you see your screen and you provide a camera with a microphone so your examiner can hear and watch at you in your room, they can see and hear what you do in the physical space during the whole exam period. Thus they find out if their student cheats).

Ami2301

@connoro007 please be aware that we have young readers therefore we discourage using any profanity

thespiceman

Hello @connoro007 Thank you for kind words. Good morning.

How are you today?

I wanted to add . As a gentleman middle fifties ongoing. I do struggle and strive as every one does who has addiction problems.

We in the addiction community those who are clean or those have issues and struggling are always following some one.

Following some one who has either beaten the disease or continuing. You must remember this.

Addiction whether alcoholism or drug addiction or any addiction is a disease. Disease of the mind and body. People experience many varying symptoms. As probably you know.

First time I was aware addiction was a disease. Was my own research into why I kept on being an alcoholic. WHO website. World Health Organisation website and further research means that you can not do this alone.

Reason early years kept relapsing and the also the association with keep on drinking. In those days we were men did not have drink problems. You did not admit it. As with any alcoholism comes the connection with drugs.

I took certain drugs as every one did then the ones available in the night club scene. Of the early eighties.

The all nighters to keep awake.

I wanted to mention this because you story is so familiar to me. Having met many young gents having issues and problems.

I can only advise and offer my guidance. Plus any friendship. Happy to be anytime a friend.

This is often a problem with addiction of any type especially drugs or alcoholism. As you added walked away from friends taking drugs.

This happened to me several times including many friends lost a lot but also had to say the hard honest truth to many then had to walk away.

Also the other way as well had friends telling me including ladies in relationships. I wish I could turn back the clock. Another one we all have in common. The hurt and harm we do to others and others do to us. We do not ever understand why. Yet is it because the toxins in our minds.

I know your a smart intelligent gent and have met so many like you in our community. The addiction community and will continue to support as a do every day.

One final point is that never tell an addict to stop. They need professional help and guidance.

Besides if you tell any one who has long term addiction to stop can be more harm than good. Trust me been there. Thought I could stop on my own with out professional help. Did so and end up I am afraid in hospital.

Massive chest pains and other associated problems. This due to the body reaction to not having the drug or alcohol.

Got told that by Doctors and also then rehab clinic.

This being the biggest fear of any addiction either relapse or go in to shock after withdrawing. One reason why so long an alcoholic.

Need to withdraw slowly.

Because addiction is like a stone in a pool you throw it in and the ripples are far and wide.

Effecting family, friends and much more.

All I can say I am here to give any support you need please ask me.

I hope you do consider the links. That I have given to you. The mental health charity do have signposting to specialist professional help regarding addiction.

I know this because when I joined they asked about me. Do I need. Any additional support.

Please can I add not a Doctor or a professional. Just a gent done a lot of research, information and used my knowledge.

Plus my experience ongoing. I am appreciated this morning for your words means a lot.

To educate my self including getting nutritional qualifications in the process.

This does help to understand my self more. Diet, and associated effected the wellbeing. Physical as well so important.

I have mutual respect for all my friends in the addiction community.

Please keep in touch.

Take care.

@thespiceman

Waylay

Hi @connoro007 ,

Thank you for sharing your story with us! I have some problems similar to yours, and one thing I noticed about your original post is that you mentioned bullying when you were a kid, being taken from your Mum (drug-addicted or not, that must have been hard), losing friends to suicide, etc. These things are all really difficult to deal with. I don't know too much about ADHD or ASD (aside from having a partner with both), but I do know what it's like to try to live with upsetting things in your past. Things that happened in childhood tend to affect us more. Drug use, addiction, isolating yourself, suicidality and self-harm can all be reactions - I struggle with them too. ADHD and/or ASD can make it more difficult, as you say, because a lot of people just don't know how to interact with people who are different! It can be very lonely!

Despite it all, you've accomplished so much, and you help others too! What a strong, caring person you are! Please treat yourself with compassion - you deserve it - and be proud of who you are! We all have our problems, but not everyone is kind, ambitious, and sharing like you!

I hope your GP can refer you to ADHD/ASD services, and hopefully get you some therapy to help with how you feel. Be aware, though, that depending on where you are, your Trust may have long waitlists, and may not be able to offer you some of the support you might find useful. Are there any groups for people with ASD near you (if you're pretty sure you have ASD)? It might really help to meet other people with similar ways of thinking, who get treated the same way you do, who are lonely and isolated. My partner has a big group of friends who are all IT geeks/researchers/scientists, many of whom have ASD, and who love to get together and talk about the stuff they're learning/creating/researching. They're awesome (except when they talk about IT networking for hours on end - I don't understand it - I'm a scientist

Er. Hope that's useful.

connoro007

@Waylay reading that gave me goosebumps. That meant so much. I’m currently having a break in work so I have little time for a big reply. Thank you for those nice things you have said.
Im going to start embracing my differences no matter how hard it is!
Im not one to be soppy but that was so generous and heartwarming for you to say. I’ve realised most of the people I considered friends were just associates that I’d do drugs and stuff with. With the amount of chaos going on in the UK and places like the Middle East it shows the worst of human nature. But some of the things you guys have said has truly shown me how compassionate people really can be. I have goosebumps and tears in my eyes but I feel happy right as of this moment. Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had similar situations happen to you. I’m currently looking for a good support group but it’s hard as I have to work but I’m going to make it a priority. We all have our differences, but it’s nice to achknowledge how helpful strangers can be. It’s so kind, just taking time out of your day to reach out ❤️ Thank you to everyone. I hope each and everyone of us lives the life we desire and the life we deserve. If everyone thought this way the world would be a different place! Little by little we can all make a difference in a small way but it can have a huge impact. Hope all of you have an amazing weekend ?

vysvader

Antonia_Scope said:
We have some discussions you may want to join autism and aspergers discussions and mental health discussions.

Yea, now, one can see and even it's almost impossible to overlook the new explosion of topics about ASD (mixed almost in all categories), just if you compare either the diversity or the content itself of the old posts with the new (and rather monothematic) posts (almost all from anonymous and multiple nicknames write posts with the same mix of a foreign syntax, the same grammatic mistakes written under multiple nicknames that look like an English interbred with a totally correct western Slavic grammar rather than mistakes/misspellings). Currently, you can think that you discuss neither with people having ASD, nor their families rather than internet trolls.

vysvader

P.s.:
Only 12% of the UK population is foreign-born (and many of them are able to write very well, you don't recognize because of their written English), meantime, more than 1/2 of all new posts (usually, a mix of complaints about behavior and something related to learning difficulties) to ASD share linguistic syntax that is used merely by 2-12% of the population.

connoro007

I’m really struggling and feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve got so much debt, there’s no way I can pay my car insurance, phone bill, car finance etc . I almost had a breakdown in work Monday, my manager threatened to ring my agency and say I’m not fit for work. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle

the services won’t do nothing for me. My grandparents try they’re best and I just feel like a burden and a failure. I head butted a few things the day before yesterday and cut my arm with a piece of glass. I don’t know where to turn. If I end up in hospital again I’ll lose my job, my debts will get worse. Sorry for posting this I just don’t know where to turn.

debbiedo49

Welcome

Ami2301

I am sorry to hear this @connoro007 Have you been in contact with your local CAB as they can provide advice on debt?

As @Antonia_Scope has advised:

If you are having thoughts of self harm or suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at jo@samaritans.org

You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/helping-yourself-now

If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

We have advice on practical and emotional support for when you are in debt

Not having enough money to pay important bills like rent, council tax, gas and electricity can be stressful. Your health can also suffer if you’re not eating properly or keeping warm. While it’s easy to get into debt, it’s more difficult to get out.

The most important thing is to talk about your situation with someone you trust. This could be a family member, friend or someone at work. They could help you contact your local authority, landlord or creditors. You should also speak to a debt advisor. You might not think so, but talking about your debt can help.

thespiceman

Hello @connoro007 Sorry to hear that you have been struggling.

You have been in my thoughts and wondering how you are?

Please can I ask have you contacted any of the links I provided for you. In one of my posts.

You mentioned services will not help.

I apologise if that is not happening. My concern is with the addiction history you have that you need to address this.

I agree the problems of debt are upsetting, emotional and can be difficult to deal with.

I lost everything through addiction including business and much more. Had massive debts but learnt one vital thing.

Try to find the necessary steps to cope with anything.

I am here for reassurance, to give some confidence some self esteem.

We need to address the important issues which are your mental health. Which is ties with anxiety which ties with addiction.

Fears of relapses.

I do understand have much time for you as any one who has and been through all of this.

I do understand have the patience and tolerance for you..

Did add this one https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.

I agree there will be problems maybe a waiting list or an assessment of your needs.

This is happening every where.

Please can I advise as a someone who has been through this. Speak to your Doctor. The Doctor is not only there to heal but to help and aid additional signposting.

Speak to him about referring you. To any one who can help and offer guidance.

One off the problems with addiction and any problems need to be very open and honest. Have to admit this is not easy to do but you need to say to the Doctor what is happening.

The other one is to look on line be calm. Have a pen and paper . Look at your area for support and guidance with your debt.

Have some one with you any additional support if you have it. To go through anything.

Make a list of the debts what you have to pay out. Be honest and open with everything.

Fears and insecurities are the main problem I know. I had this and had to admit everything.

Did not wish to but had to .

There are debt agencies, charities on line local ones to you that will help. Look at libraries or speak to CAB.

This is the hardest part admitting you have problems need to share talk to some one.

I am here as is the community. Please can I ask one other thing your a proud man and it is important to discuss these issues.

You could arrange a meeting with your boss. Explain everything. Many companies want to help and advise give guidance to their employees.

You might be surprised even help and have anything to offer.

Please if you think you going to be self harming. Contact the hospital.

One of our team has advised you to think about that.

Please if I can advise be supportive a friend to listen to. Please get in touch.

You will get through this. It will be hard and be painful but you will succeed.

Please take care. Your a member of our community now.

@thespiceman

Adrian_Scope

Hello @connoro007, debt can be a crushing weight on your mental health and I'm really sorry to hear much you're struggling. You've been given some good information and advice about addressing your debt, but please seek some expert advice about handling it.

Also, if you're self-harming, or having thoughts of self-harm, it's really important (as Ami said) to speak to someone who is qualified and able to help you. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at jo@samaritans.org
Please also give MIND's information about distracting yourself from self-harm a read as their tips may help you. However, as always, if you feel like you might be a danger to yourself, give 999 a call or go to your local hospital.

connoro007

I’ve got in contact with step change. The team leader where I work has booked me in for the next 3 weeks, love working here with the guys. I’ve had to think about postponing holidays and stuff. Things are tough but I’m hanging in there. Feel like I’m starting to finally connect to a girl I’ve liked for a while in work and stuff as well, not gonna ask her out or anything as I know this isn’t the right time. I’ve got an appointment with GDAS on the 8th of May to help me stay on the right track, Gwent Integrated Autism Service on the 10th, and seeing a psychiatrist on the 13th of June. Hopefully they will take shared care of my treatment so I won’t have to buy my medication. Also reached out to step change for my debts and plan to ring them tomorrow. Things are tough but ending it won’t solve anything just pass the pain to my grandparents (who are fighting for me and helping me so much). As for the community mental health team they say there’s not a lot they can do for me at the moment. Just got to hang in there. I’ve got a loving family, food, a roof over my head but sometimes I take that for granted. Thank you for your ongoing support guys. I called the crisis team the other day and spoke to a man who was very welcome and very warm and he was amazing fair play. I called them last night but I didn’t like the sound of the woman’s voice so I just listened to sad songs and ate food. Pulled myself together and had a good day today. Even helped my boss by doing 8am-10pm instead of the usual 12 hours as a lot of regular staff were sick. Yesterday I also offered to buy a homeless man a drink and some food as he was by the cash machine, I didn’t have change to give him though but it put things into perspective of how bad life can really be. Things are tough for all of us I understand that. Thank you for all the advice my friends.@Adrian_Scope @Ami2301 @thespiceman
If any of you need any support or someone to talk to or just offload please don’t hesitate as I’d love to give something back. Also if it’s of interest to any of you I’m incredibly knowledgeable about food, nutrition, multivitamins, weight training etc. A healthy body leads to a health mind is what they say.
Thanks guys and have a good weekend, bless you all ?