Hello — Scope | Disability forum
Find out how to let us know if you're concerned about another member's safety.

Hello

connoro007
connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
My name is Connor. I’m a 23 year old male. I have recently found out that I have ADHD. I also have a history of deliberate self harm and suicide attempts. I also have GAD. There is also a big possibility that I am on the autistic spectrum. I’ve been on psychiatric wards due to suicide attempts. Socially I have always struggled. Looking back on my life it’s become so obvious that I was different. Since I was a small child I have rocked my head. I was bullied relentlessly because of it. I was taken off my mother and rehomed with my grandparents due to her drug habits. Lots of other things have happened in my life. I’ve lost friends to suicide, battled drug addiction. I’ve lost jobs through silly mistakes. I used to hate the way I looked. I love to research things. I figured out how to get my body into good shape and alter my appearance to compensate for what I always thought was a ‘flawed personality’. This worked for a while. I’ve onlt ever had one relationship. I still think about her from time to time and how things may have been different had I known my ailments sooner. I work and support people with autism and challenging behaviour. I care so much about the people I work with, and have always considered myself an advocate for them. I get along better with the people I support than ‘neurotypicals’ and it’s starting to become apparent as to why this is the case. My grandparents fail to understand me and no matter how much I try to educate them it is to no prevail. I find myself reading forums like this daily but this is the first time reaching out. I think about suicide a lot of the time. I’ve tried to further my education by going to college. I had to have a learning coach and had to see the college counsellor on a regular basis. I attempted my a levels twice and an access to biological science course 4 times. The pressure of trying to fit in, mask my social anxiety and keep up with the work load whilst working full time and using drugs such as [removed by moderator]. It all makes sense now as to why I could not do it. I sensed that I had ADHD and I knew full well that I had anxiety issues when it came to socialising. I tried to get a diagnosis through the nhs but it was taking forever. Last October I tried to take my own life. I took a load of aspirin, drank two bottles of wine and had a bath and cut into the arteries on my right arm. The bath filled with blood and I was saved by my grandfather. Fast forward to the present and I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (privately) and GAD and have been told that I display major traits of autistic spectrum disorder. I’m currently off the drugs (however I do use Xanax to curb suicidal thoughts). I am prescribed Concerta at 54mg a day along with fast release in the evening, 600mg of lyrica, propranolol as and when needed and 45mg of mirtazipine. I’m truly struggling. I know how hard it is for the autistic community as I work in the sector. My emotions are just so intense. I feel so lonely when I’m not at work. I’m reaching out to the crisis team and doing all I can to try to help myself. The feelings of failure, the constant ‘what ifs’, and dealing with finally being diagnosed and opening my eyes as to who I am and why I have acted the way I have throughout my life hurts so much. I still have a glimmer of hope to go university. Seeing the lack of compassion people have for other people in this world is my main driving force. Reflecting on supporting people with more pronounced autism has opened my eyes as to how little people actually care. I’ve always had a strong interest in neurology, anatomy and how the body works. Not being able to pursue higher education is hurting me badly. I feel like my voice isn’t being heard. A lot of the time I spend alone in my bedroom watching things I enjoy or reading about things. I long for companionship, someone who truly gets me. Someone to truly care about me and love me, flaws and all. I’ve had so many dates and stuff enter my life only to leave without explanation. I started to develop feelings for a girl I work with - however I confided in a close female colleague about this. I was told that she “could never be with someone who has what I got”. This truly hurts. I’m in so much pain. I have a faint idea of how life turns out for people on the supposed “high end” of the spectrum - totalled with adhd, an addictive personality and chronic feelings of loneliness (not to mention being terrible with money management, leading me to be in a lot of debt) and a history of self harm/suicide attempts, each day gets harder to endure. I’m constantly looking for a way to fix things or a way out. Looking at statistics, being alone and having a lack of positive human interaction, there’s a great likelihood of me returning to drug addiction. A life doing drugs in a bedroom on your own, knowing how flawed you are is a life I cannot and will not live. I feel myself slowing slipping into a depression, my healthy eating habits are starting to diminish. I’m more isolated than I have ever been before. I don’t know what to do and I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to the questions. Life truly is difficult at this point in time and it’s never been easy.
«1

Comments

  • Antonia_Alumni
    Antonia_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 1,781 Pioneering
    Welcome to the community @connoro007 thank you for sharing this with us. Please keep us updated on how it goes with the crisis team. 

    We have some discussions you may want to join autism and aspergers discussions and mental health discussions.

    Please remember that as a member of our community, you are important to us and you might find MIND's information about distracting yourself from the urge to self-harm useful. It's also important that you discuss any thoughts of self-harm with someone who is qualified to help, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]

    If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.
     If you have any questions, please let us know.

    Kind regards,

    Antonia

     




  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    edited April 2019
    Hi @connoro007 welcome to the community! 

    Firstly, if you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email [email protected] 

    If you feel that you are at risk, please ring 999 or go to your nearest hospital or A&E

    After reading your post, your qualities shine through. You are a determined and honest young man. You will achieve your dreams. One step at a time.

    I am truly sorry for all that you have been through and honestly your post moved me to tears. I can feel your passion to change in your writing and I know you can do this.

    We can help you, support you, be a friend, it's important to break things down and work at one thing at a time. You will get through this. You're strong!
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    Thanks for those kind words Ami, It’s been a long time since I have heard anything like that. It feels good to hear that and it has reduced me to tears. I’m going to see my GP tomorrow and I’ve also reached out to the integrated autism service. You’re a complete stranger, but to hear you say something like that it gives a lot of faith that there really is some kind people in the world.
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm sorry for making you cry! I'm glad that you're being proactive and let us know how you get on with your GP. I do mean everything I said 100% we are always here :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Antonia_Alumni
    Antonia_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 1,781 Pioneering
    Hi @connoro007 as @Ami2301 says we are all here to support you, it takes a lot of courage to open up and we appreciate you sharing this with us. Please keep us updated on how it all goes and if you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. Best wishes. :)
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    Thank you! It’s hard but I think I’ve come to the right place when it comes to being understood and stuff?
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    How are you feeling today? :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,572

    Scope community team

    Hi @connoro007, just popping my head in to say hello and welcome to the community! It must have taken a lot of courage to open up like that and to echo @Ami2301 and Antonia, we are all here to support you.

    How are you doing today? Are you still studying at college? 
    Community Manager
    Scope

    Tell us how to make the community better for you. Complete our feedback form.
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    Thank you buddy! I’m doing alright just so anxious when I have to see the doctor. Hoping I can finally get somewhere and get the right support. How are you doing? And no I’m just working at the moment 
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,572

    Scope community team

    That's completely understandable. Like you say, hopefully they'll be able to put the right support in place for you.
    I'm not too bad thanks, trying to enjoy the slightly warmer weather!
    Have you considered distance learning for University? That way you could tie it in with working and go at your own time and pace. 
    Community Manager
    Scope

    Tell us how to make the community better for you. Complete our feedback form.
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    Things went well at the doctors. Yeah it is nice to finally have a bit of sunshine isn’t it! I’m going to have a look into that I think that’s a good idea thank you Adrian 
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    Glad your appointment went well :) Have you got much planned for the rest of the week?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    Thank you Ami ? just got work over the next few days! Are you doing much? And @lisabrazil80 I’m unsure but maybe one of the others may be able to help! 
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    Just wanna say thank you to everyone on this for the support! It feels good to finally speak to people who can relate/understand! 
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    I am busy tomorrow morning. Need to contact our wedding ceremony venue, writing. Will be on here mostly though :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    That’s amazing for you!! Hope you have an amazing wedding ? from what I have seen on here, I hope your fiancé gives you the best wedding ever as you deserve it! 
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,946 Disability Gamechanger
    Aww bless you! Thank you so much! You've made my day and it's only just begun! :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • vysvader
    vysvader Member Posts: 133 Courageous
    edited April 2019
    Not being able to pursue higher education is hurting me badly. 
    Hiya, 

    Do you mind which country will be your "title" from? In theory, you can start with something either more or less related and then you can exchange, finish your studies with an MSc in the preferred field (also in the UK). Usually, the admission requirements for MSc aren't really very strict and even, it's not narrowed only for medics, biologists, etc... For science, I've seen universities that require a science field (anyone) but it doesn't always must be just a continuous study of neurology/biology.

    Someone has already mentioned Open University, etc... One could seem to think that as an externist, with any form of distance learning, you'll avoid a great part of in-person social interaction (you avoid classmates, public speeches, etc). You'll still need to make exams under supervising of authorities and far more, but either way, it mitigates 95% of potentially negative experiences associated with social anxiety. 

    Your earned academic credits (minimally for general education modules if no other module matches) can be transferred to another institution. Can it match? Well, even in unrelated computer science, I could take biology as electives. The transfer isn't really a challenge rather than it'd be a quickly sorted formality.

    [links removed by moderator]
    You can feel free to get in touch 
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    @Elsey66 I’m glad that you can relate in a way but I’m disheartened that you’ve had similar situations. It sucks doesn’t it. I had a big melt down on Monday as I didn’t know if I had any work in my preferred place of work so my anxiety was extremely bad. The doctor gave me some zoplicone and some diazepam and said there’s not any other medication I can try as I’ve tried practically everything. So I’m just trying to take it day by day. How did you manage become so self reliant and manage on your own? And @vysvader the fact that you mentioned about neurology is crazy, as just the other day I looked into the course and the modules and it seemed perfect. The thing is though I crave human interaction but sitting in a classroom with loads of people makes me uncomfortable to the point where I have to leave the room multiple times. I’ve spoken to the college where I tried access to bioscience and I’m considering trying it in September. I just struggle with motivation and patience or I’ll get so fixated on a certain topic and neglect other aspects of the course (for example, learning how the heart worked had me instantly engaged). I’ve realised that becoming a doctor is what I want to do one day as I like solving problems, I’m very keen on pharmaceutical and I have an obsession with vitamins, minerals and tablets. All the hands on work and being able to help a patient in need is what I want to do. 

    Btw I live in the welsh valleys so opportunity is scare

    The things that get in the way for me are: 
    - worrying that my bamp and man will leave me.
    -5000 of debt from credit cards etc from when I was young and naive 
    - bills I need to pay. 
    - failing again. 
    - feeling like I don’t fit it.
    - becoming an addict due to social anxiety/wanting stimulation. 

    I just try to do to much at once and it burns me out. I’m getting better with money management though. 
    But like a lot of people I know I won’t be truly happy until I’m pursuing my dream. I’ve looked into OU and I don’t think I could get finance for the courses and stuff. And I find it hard to motivate myself outside of a classroom as it’s a different structure or I spend too long procrastinating. 

    Thank you for your help guys I’m taking it all onboard and staying strong. You’re good people and this input is helping me a lot. I hope you all have a great weekend.
  • connoro007
    connoro007 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    @Elsey66 That’s exactly how I feel, it’s like trying to push a boulder up a hill isn’t it. Ran into one of my best friend who I’ve drifted from recently but we might be booking a holiday soon so it’ll be something to look forward to. How long have you used the zoplicone and diazepam? They’re effective but I worry that they may essentially “fry” my receptors in the brain so I compensate with healthy food and exercise. Im currently under their care, but if I’m honest I feel like they could do more to help. Have you had much help from them? 
    I find keeping myself busy and sleeping with a pet helps tremendously. What sort of techniques help you when you are low? 
    That’s all you have to do isn’t it just keep hanging in there, every day above ground is truly a blessing; even if our thoughts sometimes say otherwise.
    Has anyone else also had cognitive behaviour therapy? 

Brightness

Complete our feedback form and tell us how we can make the community better.