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coming to terms with no longer maybe fitting in any box

good morning all, hope you all are well, for a bank holiday weekend, sitting inside, which isn't uncommon for me has brought on a new or different meaning, having failed now 2 times over a 20 year period my latest ESA assessment, with a 0 point score, being honest, and then only seeing one side of the interview written down, i feel let down by the system in general, but also sad as nothing tbh is now taken into consideration, mental health, mentioned but not recorded, hospital and doctors and consultants notes and any medical history over the last 20+ years or even ongoing treatment, just what half of what i say and on the day, face to face, which now i feel, somewhat lead by, as the questions seem rather loaded, how can you do, then giving a amount, when none fit the box which is your illness on a daily basis, after spending the last 20 years, out side one day out of 7 in any given week, i do think my life has been wasted, none productive, spending time with online friends, in a fantasy world in my own bubble of my own making, looking back i wish things were different, but as i can't turn back the clock, i can only look forward, i'm in my own world of my own making, but i'm safe and feel happy in my home, outside isn't the place i'm comfortable with, lack of toilets, too many people and the feeling of not being normal, makes it not as safe and happy as being inside on my own im my comfort zone.
im now left with a choice, which first part the recon letter already sent, but reading between the lines and having a lot read back to me, makes me wonder if i no longer fill the boxes offered, so while i've done the Tribunal once already 12 years ago now and won, is it worth it? or to go down another route, and see if universal credit is more that fit my box? as i was on incapacity until that was replaced, and now i've been on the borderline for ESA in the support group and have now failed the assessment, being honest makes me feel somewhat angry, but already been told at the job centre that i can't sign on for JSA either, as i'm not actively seeking work, as unable to work because of being ill on a day to day basis, so what are now my options? find a employer who will let me come to work on the days i'm well? and then have time off when ever i'm ill? can't see that happening any time soon,. lie and break a habit of a lifetime and say i'm actively seeking work and sign on, just to get something to live on and survive for a while longer, but not hold my head up high any longer in the process? as far as i can see it, i'm borderline at best but unfit at worse, but are being worn down by the fight and stress, which is getting my and my partner down, lack of money, lack of help and support and apart from nice comments on here, feeling somewhat alone atm, friends are all online, don't go out to have a social life, and family has enough of there own problems for me to keep dragging them down and parents are too hold to keep upsetting with asking for hand outs etc and no longer being working able to help either, atm moneys not the issue, that will be a few more months down the line, but not sure the mental health and well being by then i'll be in the right place either to help myself, got a few meetings planned for more advice, but overall the outcome looks like Tribunal is the best chance for now, but surviving the wait, will also take it's toll, as like i've said, been down that route before, and know how it effected me and my relationship last time, so can't honestly say i'm looking forward to it, or getting into dept if it takes too long in the process, so anyone else on the borderline with any other thoughts? universal credit an options maybe if i fail this? as partners already on tax credits for low income, as i'm not sure ESA is fit for my purpose any longer, as the goal posts seem to have moved too much, and i'll hopefully be fit enough for longer so i won't be able to get disability either for a long time, as while i'm unwell, it seems not enough for that, and never want to be worse either tbh, so sorry for the novel and any advice welcome,...
im now left with a choice, which first part the recon letter already sent, but reading between the lines and having a lot read back to me, makes me wonder if i no longer fill the boxes offered, so while i've done the Tribunal once already 12 years ago now and won, is it worth it? or to go down another route, and see if universal credit is more that fit my box? as i was on incapacity until that was replaced, and now i've been on the borderline for ESA in the support group and have now failed the assessment, being honest makes me feel somewhat angry, but already been told at the job centre that i can't sign on for JSA either, as i'm not actively seeking work, as unable to work because of being ill on a day to day basis, so what are now my options? find a employer who will let me come to work on the days i'm well? and then have time off when ever i'm ill? can't see that happening any time soon,. lie and break a habit of a lifetime and say i'm actively seeking work and sign on, just to get something to live on and survive for a while longer, but not hold my head up high any longer in the process? as far as i can see it, i'm borderline at best but unfit at worse, but are being worn down by the fight and stress, which is getting my and my partner down, lack of money, lack of help and support and apart from nice comments on here, feeling somewhat alone atm, friends are all online, don't go out to have a social life, and family has enough of there own problems for me to keep dragging them down and parents are too hold to keep upsetting with asking for hand outs etc and no longer being working able to help either, atm moneys not the issue, that will be a few more months down the line, but not sure the mental health and well being by then i'll be in the right place either to help myself, got a few meetings planned for more advice, but overall the outcome looks like Tribunal is the best chance for now, but surviving the wait, will also take it's toll, as like i've said, been down that route before, and know how it effected me and my relationship last time, so can't honestly say i'm looking forward to it, or getting into dept if it takes too long in the process, so anyone else on the borderline with any other thoughts? universal credit an options maybe if i fail this? as partners already on tax credits for low income, as i'm not sure ESA is fit for my purpose any longer, as the goal posts seem to have moved too much, and i'll hopefully be fit enough for longer so i won't be able to get disability either for a long time, as while i'm unwell, it seems not enough for that, and never want to be worse either tbh, so sorry for the novel and any advice welcome,...
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and was told at my last assessment i wouldn't need another, only 4 years later, to get one and this time score 0 points, which makes a mockery of the last 4 imo