Triggers****CSA****Self Harm/Suicidal Behaviour

HollyGCat

I have CPTSD with Dissociation, BPD under this...and all that goes with these. Unhealthy relationship with food, self-harm, avoidance, anxiety (extreme) and managed depression (sort of). 

I think, having been in therapy for three years. I have been dissociating for years to a lesser or greater degree at various points.

My history is not nice and probably I would worry putting any detail on here for myself and others. I recognise triggers for dissociation and mentioning my childhood into adulthood where I was SA and uncared for could be damaging.

I found two diaries recently in my attic. Written over 35 years ago. Both diaries are dated in the same time frame. One includes distressing information which, I cannot say I recall all of. The other is written as though my childhood was 'happy'. I think I must have been keeping these two diaries at the same time. This is where my question lies.


The CPTSD with Dissociation suggests that if I understand correctly, that there are not two different (distinctive) identities. That somehow one is aware of the other. I do not feel like this. I feel like one part stopped and another started, but that although they were not named differently, they were different, different memories which the other has no memory of. Sometimes I feel like one of these (13 year old child) overtakes my ability to behave a certain way. She is also enraged. 


I feel like I have no control and despite real attempts to stop whatever follows; I fail. I consequently have come close to death, in ICU, etc...I have attempted to jump from a moving ambulance, ran into traffic and worse with absolutely no memory of it


Often with no memory or flashes alone. 


When I read DID. This makes more sense to me, but I am told that the dissociation is a symptom of the trauma and not a diagnosis of DID. I am really confused by this due to my belief that the 'aged children/adults' who appear to behave age appropriately are distinctly different to the now me.


I lost a successful career due to my MH. I am sorry to hear of the struggles your wife has had with her physical and mental health, and your own. I think you volunteering your time to help/support people like us is so fantastic especially given I can see from my own husbands tiredness that doing this and caring for someone is....hard.

Anyway, wondered if you can explain why I am being diagnosed with 'dissociation' as a symptom as opposed to DID? 

Please feel free to tell me if I have started the thread wrongly.


Thanks:)

dolfrog

Hi @HollyGCat

Sorry to hear about your issues

I had a look at the Wikipedia "Dissociativentity indentity disorder (DID)"  which explains some of the issues you described, and how these complex issues are viewed by various medical professions 

HollyGCat

Thanks Dolfrog, I’ll have a look. appreciated 

Adrian_Scope

Hello @HollyGCat, I'm tagging in @MickConnon as I believe this post was intended for him? Let me know if not!

HollyGCat

Hi, yes it was. I clearly need an Idiot guide to tagging:) 

crazyjan

I have diagnosed DID. It was initially diagnosed under the old heading of MPD (multiple personality disorder) thirty years ago when I was in my early thirties. If the same criteria for diagnosis still apply, then you would need to be displaying evidence of at least three distinctive alter egos/personalities, otherwise you would be classed as having symptoms of dissociating. Hopefully an expert will come along and help you further on this as I can only comment from my own experience. Hey, you have my sympathy. It's an extremely complicated, frightening way to live. I sincerely wish you well in getting through each day. Stay strong!