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Triggers****CSA****Self Harm/Suicidal Behaviour

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HollyGCat
HollyGCat Community member Posts: 79 Pioneering
I have CPTSD with Dissociation, BPD under this...and all that goes with these. Unhealthy relationship with food, self-harm, avoidance, anxiety (extreme) and managed depression (sort of). 

I think, having been in therapy for three years. I have been dissociating for years to a lesser or greater degree at various points.

My history is not nice and probably I would worry putting any detail on here for myself and others. I recognise triggers for dissociation and mentioning my childhood into adulthood where I was SA and uncared for could be damaging.

I found two diaries recently in my attic. Written over 35 years ago. Both diaries are dated in the same time frame. One includes distressing information which, I cannot say I recall all of. The other is written as though my childhood was 'happy'. I think I must have been keeping these two diaries at the same time. This is where my question lies.


The CPTSD with Dissociation suggests that if I understand correctly, that there are not two different (distinctive) identities. That somehow one is aware of the other. I do not feel like this. I feel like one part stopped and another started, but that although they were not named differently, they were different, different memories which the other has no memory of. Sometimes I feel like one of these (13 year old child) overtakes my ability to behave a certain way. She is also enraged. 


I feel like I have no control and despite real attempts to stop whatever follows; I fail. I consequently have come close to death, in ICU, etc...I have attempted to jump from a moving ambulance, ran into traffic and worse with absolutely no memory of it


Often with no memory or flashes alone. 


When I read DID. This makes more sense to me, but I am told that the dissociation is a symptom of the trauma and not a diagnosis of DID. I am really confused by this due to my belief that the 'aged children/adults' who appear to behave age appropriately are distinctly different to the now me.


I lost a successful career due to my MH. I am sorry to hear of the struggles your wife has had with her physical and mental health, and your own. I think you volunteering your time to help/support people like us is so fantastic especially given I can see from my own husbands tiredness that doing this and caring for someone is....hard.

Anyway, wondered if you can explain why I am being diagnosed with 'dissociation' as a symptom as opposed to DID? 

Please feel free to tell me if I have started the thread wrongly.


Thanks:)

Comments

  • dolfrog
    dolfrog Community member Posts: 441 Pioneering
    edited July 2019
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    Hi @HollyGCat

    Sorry to hear about your issues

    I had a look at the Wikipedia "Dissociativentity indentity disorder (DID)"  which explains some of the issues you described, and how these complex issues are viewed by various medical professions 
  • HollyGCat
    HollyGCat Community member Posts: 79 Pioneering
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    Thanks Dolfrog, I’ll have a look. :) appreciated 
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,102 Scope online community team
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    Hello @HollyGCat, I'm tagging in @MickConnon as I believe this post was intended for him? Let me know if not! :smile:
    Community Manager
    Scope
  • HollyGCat
    HollyGCat Community member Posts: 79 Pioneering
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    Hi, yes it was. I clearly need an Idiot guide to tagging:) 
  • crazyjan
    crazyjan Community member Posts: 56 Pioneering
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    I have diagnosed DID. It was initially diagnosed under the old heading of MPD (multiple personality disorder) thirty years ago when I was in my early thirties. If the same criteria for diagnosis still apply, then you would need to be displaying evidence of at least three distinctive alter egos/personalities, otherwise you would be classed as having symptoms of dissociating. Hopefully an expert will come along and help you further on this as I can only comment from my own experience. Hey, you have my sympathy. It's an extremely complicated, frightening way to live. I sincerely wish you well in getting through each day. Stay strong!
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