Triggers****CSA****Self Harm/Suicidal Behaviour

I have CPTSD with Dissociation, BPD under this...and all that goes with these. Unhealthy relationship with food, self-harm, avoidance, anxiety (extreme) and managed depression (sort of). 

I think, having been in therapy for three years. I have been dissociating for years to a lesser or greater degree at various points.

My history is not nice and probably I would worry putting any detail on here for myself and others. I recognise triggers for dissociation and mentioning my childhood into adulthood where I was SA and uncared for could be damaging.

I found two diaries recently in my attic. Written over 35 years ago. Both diaries are dated in the same time frame. One includes distressing information which, I cannot say I recall all of. The other is written as though my childhood was 'happy'. I think I must have been keeping these two diaries at the same time. This is where my question lies.


The CPTSD with Dissociation suggests that if I understand correctly, that there are not two different (distinctive) identities. That somehow one is aware of the other. I do not feel like this. I feel like one part stopped and another started, but that although they were not named differently, they were different, different memories which the other has no memory of. Sometimes I feel like one of these (13 year old child) overtakes my ability to behave a certain way. She is also enraged. 


I feel like I have no control and despite real attempts to stop whatever follows; I fail. I consequently have come close to death, in ICU, etc...I have attempted to jump from a moving ambulance, ran into traffic and worse with absolutely no memory of it


Often with no memory or flashes alone. 


When I read DID. This makes more sense to me, but I am told that the dissociation is a symptom of the trauma and not a diagnosis of DID. I am really confused by this due to my belief that the 'aged children/adults' who appear to behave age appropriately are distinctly different to the now me.


I lost a successful career due to my MH. I am sorry to hear of the struggles your wife has had with her physical and mental health, and your own. I think you volunteering your time to help/support people like us is so fantastic especially given I can see from my own husbands tiredness that doing this and caring for someone is....hard.

Anyway, wondered if you can explain why I am being diagnosed with 'dissociation' as a symptom as opposed to DID? 

Please feel free to tell me if I have started the thread wrongly.


Thanks:)