Autism and Aspergers
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Does anyone feel their marriage / relationship has suffered due to child’s high needs?

MarriedbutAloneMarriedbutAlone Member Posts: 4 Listener
edited August 2019 in Autism and Aspergers
When I met my husband we were really close and had such a loving relationship.  He treated me like I was the best thing on this planet.  Fast forward to my son arriving and everything is so different.  We don’t even sit together in the evening, hold hands or have genuine hugs.  There are no compliments or signs that I am valued or even attractive.  I do think it is down to my son’s high needs and how exhausted we are, but I feel like we are just two people who live together and having our son is the only thing we have in common.  I talk to him about it sometimes, but really he doesn’t make any changes and things stay the same.  He’s a good man, but I feel very lonely, unloved and unattractive.  Is this common when a child needs so much attention from both parents?  Or am I just moaning about nothing. 

Replies

  • AilsAils Member Posts: 2,268 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @MarriedbutAlone and welcome to the Community.  I am very sorry to hear of your family struggles.  I'm married, but don't have any kids, but can imagine how difficult things must be for you and your husband at times.  I'm sure there will be some members who can relate to what you are going through or one of the Community Team who can best advise you.  Are you receiving any other support for your son?  I have Spina Bifida and I know that when I was a child I needed lots of attention from my parents which was stressful for them and they were shattered at times and I probably put a strain on their marriage, but they were great with me as I am sure you are with your son.  It is only natural to want to have your own relationship with your husband and have some love/attention for yourself so you are most certainly not moaning.  We are here to support you on the Community so if there is anything we can do to help then please just ask.  Please let us know how you are getting on.  All the best.  :smile:
    Winner of the Scope New Volunteer Award 2019.   :)
  • MarriedbutAloneMarriedbutAlone Member Posts: 4 Listener
    Hi Ails, I just wanted to say thank you for your kind reply.  We have pretty much gone it alone with our son as we both work full time and all support groups etc are in the day time.  I now have the six week parenting support from scope by telephone.  The lady is amazing and it has encouraged me to try and find additional support.  

    I know that our son most definitely needs all our attention and it is right that we give it to him.  I’m just sad about it and it also makes me feel as though I’m not valued or loved.  I go through phases of it bothering me more than other times.

    thanks for the sympathetic ear - it means a lot. 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,954

    Scope community team

    Hi @MarriedbutAlone. How are you today?
    A child can be such a strain on any relationship, you go from being a couple to being Mum and Dad and somewhere along the way your relationship changes as your time becomes divided. I'm glad you're getting support from our Navigate service. Did they mention Relate to you at all? 
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    Your feedback is really important to the development of the online community, so please remember to complete our online community annual survey
  • MarriedbutAloneMarriedbutAlone Member Posts: 4 Listener
    Hi Adrian,  no I haven’t really talked about this with my support person yet.  I think I probably will.  The only problem is that we don’t have anyone to have our son so we can attend anything.  Sadly, we don’t have many people local to us and we only have one person willing to look after our boy at the moment due to his behaviours.  People just feel they can’t manage him.  I do think relate would be a good idea though. 😊
  • SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisorsSparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors Member Posts: 32 Pioneering
    Hi @MarriedbutAlone

    Good to hear that your getting some support via Scope. In terms of someone caring for you child, are you aware of Direct Payments? They differ from area to area but the purpose is for someone to care for your child whilst you have some form of respite. It varies from a few hours a week to regular support, but you will need to be in contact with a Social Worker within the children with disabilities team in your local area. It can be all quite daunting sorting it out but even if your only allocated a short amount of time per week, it would give you the chance to spend some time wit your husband. 

    Let us know if there's anything inparticular you'd like to know about Direct Payments and how they can help you as a family.

    The Sparkle Sheffield Team  :)
  • April2018momApril2018mom Posts: 2,869 Member
    Hello!
    Honestly no. My son has spina bifida but I would not have coped as well as I did in the beginning if not for my partner’s support. My son can be a worrier but I strongly think that is just his personality. Having a amazing social worker who advocates for him and me has seriously made a positive difference. I still work part time as a ship crew scheduler whilst caring for my son. We just came back from a cruise and the staff were brilliant especially the security people. 
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