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Open Relationships/ Cheating - Advice and help

Beth_SunshineBeth_Sunshine Member Posts: 5 Listener
edited August 2019 in Dating and relationships
Open Relationships
 Hey, I'm going to tell you a story so please bear with me. I had my first child when I was 16 I suffered from terrible back pain but my midwife was older and very old school, she turned her down down at me and said I was young, pregnancy was hard on a body and I was to young to understand.
After that I didnt say a word. I got married at 19 then had my second child at 20 by 10 weeks pregnant i was but on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy as my pelvis had moved and the doctors were worried i would either miscarry or have a still birth. I was told once i had given birth my pelvis would return to it's normal place and everything would be okay.
After the birth the pain stayed and got worse after 2 years I was finally diagnosed with an extremely rare form of Hip dysplasia.
My spine has moved it has a bad curve also the bottom of my spine has moved up. my pelvis is twisted and completely in the wrong place.
My one hip is backwards, at an angle and to shallow with an impingment. The other hip is shallow and and has an impingment. Basically my hips an pelvis are screwed no matter if I'm sat, standing or lying down I'm in chronic pain.
I've had 8 surgeries in the last 4 years all its accomplished is severe nerve damage with has given me a whole new slew of symptoms and problems.
My Sex life has slowly diminished it's rare me and my husband ever have sex as it is excruciatingly painful it then leaves me bed bound for up to a week.
Me and my husband talk about everything nothing is to embarrassing or off limits. In the past we would jokingly accuse each other of being sex addicts.
I told him I would rather give permission for him to have sex with other people then for him to ever cheat, not that I'd think he would cheat but well you never know.
 He is my Husband who works from home so he can also be my career, we have two kids and 2 dogs.
He is so busy that I worry one day it will all be to much for him. Anyway We spoke about this about a year ago and 6 months ago he met a women and slept with her for the first time and has been seeing her at least once a week Since.
I'd like to know if anyone on here has an open relationship or has been thinking about one. I'd like your opinion, I :) understand some people wont understand why I gave my husband permission to do what he does so please keep any hateful comments to yourself. Sorry for such a long winded story Beth

Replies

  • Hart86Hart86 Member Posts: 394 Pioneering
    edited August 2019
    I can’t imagine the pain you’re in @Beth_Sunshine, I’ve suffered back problems since my first child and after my second my hips and pelvis are fractionally distorted with one hip lower and further forward than the other and my pelvis at a slight tilt and some days, just that tiny misalignment means I’m in agony so I can’t imagine how you feel!!

    Anyway as for your question, I’m a really jealous and insecure person so I don’t think I could handle it. I would worry about the usual things if whether they’d find them more attractive or that is was becoming more than just sexual.
    If I were to go down that route (and I can completely understand why some people do!!) I’d have to agree that it was only with escorts or one night stands that he wouldn’t see again rather than a long term arrangement. However I have heard of people completely embracing the situation and going as far as to bring the “other woman” into the home. I do agree with you though, I think it all being open and the fact you and your husband can talk about it and discuss is much better than him slinking off and keeping secrets. Secrets and lies are the biggest betrayal ❤️
  • Beth_SunshineBeth_Sunshine Member Posts: 5 Listener
    Hi, @Hart86

    Thankyou for replying 😊

    I'm sorry your in so much pain, I've given birth to two children without any pain relief and I honestly think long term pelvic pain is worse!!

    The women my husband is sleeping with is actually a friend so I've seen there interactions and studied them to see if there is anything and I can honestly say it is just sex and once its ran its course it will be done.

    I didnt choose this lightly.
    I went in to this knowing I could potentially loose my husband and a dear friend.
    I know this isn't for everybody but at the minute it works for us.

    Like I previously mentioned I tell my hubby everything. In my opinion you cant have a successful relationship without open honest conversation.

    The first time they met up I thought I would be okay but God I was so nervous and a bit jealous knowing he would kids and touch another women, it wasnt even the fact they would have sex it was the intimacy from kissing and holding each other that nearly drove me crazy.

    The day after we sat and talked and I'm alright sometimes I get a little jealous but it passes knowing I could put a stop to it and they would both listen and understand without any hard feelings.
    If the position was reversed I know with 100% confidence he would offer me the same deal as I made him.

    Maybe I'm crazy for it i dont know, I have no Idea what will happen but I trust him so ....

    I agree with you secrets and lies are defently what will sink the ship.
    I'm not a pushover so if he lies about seeing anybody or anything of the sort that will be the end.

    Thankyou Beth xx
  • April2018momApril2018mom Posts: 2,869 Member
    Hello @Beth_Sunshine. My advice is to document everything. Also talk to a lawyer. Get advice pronto. 
  • Hart86Hart86 Member Posts: 394 Pioneering
    Why would she need a lawyer @April2018mom? She’s in a happy and loving relationship, I’m not sure a lawyer has any purpose in their situation? 

    @beth_sunshine I’m so glad you replied, I have been thinking about you! It sounds like your relationship is really quite strong, I know couples in strictly monogamous relationships that don’t talk and aren’t as open as you and your husband seem to be! I guess the main question is whether you’re still happy with the arrangement?

    Has it changed your friendship with the lady at all? 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,998

    Scope community team

    Hi @Beth_Sunshine and thanks for sharing your story. I know a couple who are in a similar situation to you, but the dynamic is flipped. I'll admit I was taken aback at first, but I have seen they are both very happy with how things work and of all the couples I know, I would say they seem to be happiest. I'm not advocating for everyone to have an open relationship, but honesty and trust are the important factors here.
    As long as you're happy with the situation and believe your concerns will be listened to if you start to feel weird about the whole thing, then more power to you both.

    Do you think your relationship with your husband has changed at all since making this decision? Do you think it's helped?

    Senior Community Partner
    Scope
  • Beth_SunshineBeth_Sunshine Member Posts: 5 Listener
    @April2018mom Thankyou for the advice but its not needed.

    @Hart86
    It's not an ideal situation but then in an ideal world I wouldn't be disabled and something like this would never of even crossed my mind.
    Mine and her relationship is okay at the beginning it was a little awkward as neither of knew how to act how much to say ect. Things are going back to the way they were tho and I'm glad about that.

    Also I know couples who dont talk as much as we do who struggle and aren't as happy.
    I'm not claiming I have a perfect marriage, but i grow up with a severely disabled father and a mum who was his 24 hour career and I personally believe the only way they have managed to cope is to talk. I like to think I've learned something from them.

    @Adrian_Scope
    Umm that's a good question my relationship has changed with my husband of course it has but since I became disabled it has changed and adapted for the better.
    We were happy and still are.

    I hare being disabled with a passion I would do nearly anything to be healthy but I've been home to watch my kids grow up without working so I haven't missed any milestones, that I would of.
    I've been able to spend more time with him obviously some days he drives me crazy, that's bound to happen though were around each other all day every day.
    I do think its brought us closer though .

    Thankyou both for replying Beth xxx
  • Jean EveleighJean Eveleigh Member Posts: 134 Pioneering
    Hi @Beth_Sunshine, although my disability is different and I we don't have kids my partner of almost 12 years and I are in a very similar position to yourself and I have made the same offer to my partner although he is yet to feel able to take me up on it.

    I'm not a jealous person and have absolutely no sex drive but I did put down some ground rules around who he could go with and for me one of those rules was it wasn't to be a family friend (i.e. someone I knew) so I wasn't comparing our differences and enhancing my anxiety about not being good enough for him.

    I am glad this is working well for your hubby and you, well done for being able to manage it and I hope you all continue to be happy for many years to come.
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,998

    Scope community team

    Hi again @Beth_Sunshine.
    I’m glad to hear you’re seeing some positives from the situation.
    Unfortunately our @PSHEexpert has been quite unwell lately, but I’ll tag her in so she might be able to lend her advice when/if she gets a chance.
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope
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