Employment and Support Allowance (ESA)
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I am feeling persecuted by the DWP and PIP

despondentdespondent Member Posts: 87 Connected
I suffer from anxiety, stress, and panic attacks, and suicidal attempts, my first suicide attempt was at 19 years old. I was put in an orphanage even though I had a mother at the age of 6 months, because you housed the child not the parent until the 1971 Housing Act. I was brought up by evil nuns (ironically named the Sisters of Mercy) and never knew, saw or felt love, they were cruel to me, and i never was hugged or knew what a real family was like, and or the comfort of feeling loved,  and i was made to feel bad because i was mixed race and the nuns would rub soap into my cheeks to make them red, and iron my hair over a brown paper bag, and rob me of any emotional attachment that i could ever have to my identity. I came home to a stranger my mum at aged 10 years, she turned out to be a paranoid Schizophrinic
After getting a degree, becoming a teacher.  I finally had my breakdown when the teaching community didnt support my mental health breakdown.

In 2016 I got my form to fill out for a conversion from DLA to PIP. In 2017 I had the  assessment and was successful. Later in October 2017 I had the Capability for work form. I had the assessment in March 2018 which was so traumatic i had to drink 3 bottles of wine to attend, cried for over 2 hours and the assessment was abandoned on their say so, and was also told because of how traumatised i was that the assessor would recommend that i dont need another assessment for 3 to 4 years (my son secretly recorded this, and that is how i know what he said, but i obviously cant use this information). In February and March this year i had 4 of my fortnightly payments stopped, they said this was due to clerical error, this upset me so much, my son had to phone them each fortnight.
October 2019 i have another capabiltiy for work form and i just feel so tired, so persecuted by them. they know i am suffering from anxiety and stress and alcoholism yet they are continously bombarding me with forms and interviews.

I now believe that i will  have another Capabilty for work  assessment interview in 2020, and then my PIP review form will be sent in 2020 and another assessment in 2021. How is this possible, they know i suffer from anxiety and depression, and yet all these assessments greatly contribute it. What is the real time frame for someone to recover from a lifetime of mental abuse? and yet they are causing me the most undue stress possible, it is like they dont believe me, or they want me to kill myself, and to be honest i just think the only way they will believe me is if i slit my wrists in front of them.

You need to understand is that when you live with a paranoid schizophrinic at an impressionable age and combatted with the isolation from emotional love by the nuns you dont stand a chance at surviving in this world.

I wake up gasping for breath everyday  because i have stopped breathing (sleep apnea) I cannot have the necessary life saving equipment because i am an alcoholic and might suffocate on my own vomit (but I will die without it some day), i am 30 kgs over weight and this doesnt help. I am a recluse, i dont have any friends, i dont go anywhere, and yet all the government want to do is keep hurting me. I have become so scared to sleep because I dont feel that I will wake up (and i have written this whilst drinking alcohol because that is my life). And i understand everything i have written. I do not wake up every day wanting to drink, in fact the opposite. When i smoked i was shocked at the hold a cigarette had over me first thing in the morning, I needed it to get through the day. I know why i drink and it is not because of loneliness, but because my mother mentally raped me from a child (in that she was brutally raped and brain damaged when I was 5  and just gave me every explicit detail that it compounded with the nuns and other abuse she did to me). I love my son and have emotionally damaged him, but i cant be loved by a stranger, and must always be alone.

Replies

  • Deb_ScopeDeb_Scope Member Posts: 192 Pioneering

    Dear @despondent

    As a member of our community, you’re very important to us.  I was very concerned about you when reading your post on our community.  You have shared a very difficult time with us and we are worried that you are having suicidal thoughts, it's vital you get in touch with someone who is qualified to assist you.

    Do you have a local support care team that you can reach out to or you can of course give the Samaritans a call on 116 123 (free) or if you prefer, email them at [email protected]

    We can share the support link that MIND's information has on handling suicidal feelings and how you can help yourself address self-harming long-term which you might find really useful to you too.

    Of course if you do feel like you might be in immediate danger to yourself, don't hesitate to call 999 or head to your local hospital immediately. 

    You are a valued member of our community and I have emailed you directly, please look out for the email.

    I know you say how you know you can’t deal with your stress, anxiety and suicidal feelings, but there are always people who care, we care, so please keep asking for help on our community and stay safe.

    Best wishes

    Debbie


    Debbie
    Online Community Manager
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