Worries over adult children? — Scope | Disability forum
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Worries over adult children?

maple
maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
Does anyone have heartbreaking worries over adult children here? 

Comments

  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,576 Scope online community team
    Hello @maple. I'm really sorry to read you're so worried about your adult child. Is there anything in particular concerning you?
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  • paffuto10
    paffuto10 Member Posts: 388 Pioneering
    @maple

    Hi and welcome to the community. :)

    Completely with you on heartbreaking worries over adult children! 

    I have son (24) with severe autism and mild brain damage. 
    He lives in supported living. 

    And daughter (27) with pcos, fibro and borderline personality disorder. Currently moving into her own place but we're taking it slow and gradual. 

    I sometimes worry about what happens to them in the future when hubby and I are no longer here. 
    But mostly we try to concentrate on the here and now and just giving support. 

    What about you? Do you feel able to talk about your worries at all? 
  • maple
    maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
    Thank you and It is lovely to hear from people. Yes, two adults with struggles and I am alone. My lovely son, who was lively and well liked, has been out of work and hiding from life for ten years. He is homeless, sofa surfing with me. His job came to an end three times unexpectedly due to production ending. After a while of unsuccessful applications for work, problems with benefits etc, he just gave up and has now resigned himself to no expectations for any kind of life. I am grateful every day that he is well and getting to be cheerful around me, so there is a bit of progress, considering how closed down he was. Thank you for saying to take each day as it comes. I already feel not entirely alone. 
  • paffuto10
    paffuto10 Member Posts: 388 Pioneering
    @maple

    No, you're not alone and now you've found this community there will always be someone to talk with  :)

    Sorry to hear about your son. It's sad when they hide away isn't it? 

    My son is the same. Social Services have even offered him a male "befriender" to go on outings but he refused. He will only come out once a month for family lunch. 

    Do you have any family that could encourage your son a bit? 
  • maple
    maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
    No family at all other than ex husband who has no interest and is remarried. His twin sister is working hard trying to overcome her problems  I try out all sorts of ideas to go out with him or get him out or get her here, both at the same time. There’s no moving him. The doc keeps saying that he needs to want help. He is in denial or hiding his feelings from as he wants to avoid upsetting me. I really appreciate your comments. Thank you and I hope for good progress for your loved ones. 
  • paffuto10
    paffuto10 Member Posts: 388 Pioneering
    @maple

    Good morning and nice to hear from you again  :)

    How did your weekend go? We had our monthly family lunch outing yesterday and we've managed to persuade our son to come out again next weekend. 

    We're going to what they call "escape rooms" 
    You get locked in for one hour (not as scary as it sounds unless you've seen the "escape room" horror movie, which I have unfortunately!!!)  :D  :D

    There is intercom and cctv contact with the staff and what you do is look for clues and puzzles which opens boxes and more doors, etc.
    A kind of treasure hunt. 
    If you get stuck, the staff give you hints over the interom.
    It's fun and for any age (I'm nearly 65)

    We all went last year and son really enjoyed it. 
    They even put a chair in for me to sit on which we moved from room to room. 

    It cost £60 for four of us but worth it for an hour of fun and stimulating brains  :D 

    You need at least 4 people so I was thinking if you went with your son and his sister, you only need one more. 

    I think there are escape rooms in most towns now and you pre book and pay on the Internet. 

    Anyway, just an idea  :)
  • emmarenshaw
    emmarenshaw Member Posts: 711 Pioneering
    Hello @maple I'm Emma, one of the Community Champions. A warm welcome to the community. 
  • maple
    maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
    Thank you Paffuto10 for your good thought. Keep it up! One day he might agree to something. Hello to Emma and thank you for your warm welcome. 
  • pcoventry
    pcoventry Member Posts: 149 Pioneering
    @maple

    I am in the opposite boat. I have a 1 yr old daughter and if I live to see her turn 5 I will be very very blessed. I also have a disabled 4yr old boy. 
  • maple
    maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
    @pccoventry
    I am truly sad to hear this. I cannot imagine how hard and painful your life is just now. I often wonder if I am doing right or wrong with conflicting advice eg helping him get mentally well versus “enabling”. He is alive and so am I and his sister so I will continue to be positive and loving. I am here if I can ever be of any use maybe as chatting with or listening. I send you all warmest loving wishes. 
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,576 Scope online community team
    Hi @maple, I just wanted to check in and see how you and your children are getting on?
    Community Manager
    Scope

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  • maple
    maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
    That is so good of you to ask. The truth is that I am really struggling. I am quite good at hiding this and I've began hiding from society too lol. Not kidding but many of us are hiding just now. The lovely people who have to cope with their loved ones' life threatening conditions substantiate my thinking. I give support and encouragement together with responsibility. I could say lots more but I would have a book! When all this breakdown, ptsd and ill health began years ago (before which we were on a level happy footing) my focus was on ensuring that we would all continue to be alive. I did all I could with freelance full time work together with all hospital appointments etc. I could not earn enough money so had to sell my home to pay for everything. More atrocities  occurred too harrowing to say here.  We are getting over them. My son is still going but I can see how feels. I count my blessings that we are all still going. I am honest with them but I think that my deliberate positive outlook and emphasis on laughter, music and the delights of our planet is saving us, plus my luck in finding good hearted people like you here🌟👍🧡
  • Danielle_2022
    Danielle_2022 Member Posts: 266 Pioneering
    Hi @maple,
    I just wanted to drop by and thank you for sharing this story with such poignant honesty — I have just spent some time reading through this whole thread and think that maybe you *should* write a book. I think it’s something that many parents of disabled children would appreciate hearing.

    I have Cerebral Palsy and am a wheelchair user. I’m in my twenties now and still fairly reliant upon my mum for several aspects of my physical care, though I’m grateful to be pretty much independent in everything besides having a shower/getting changed. Still, I know that my mum worries a lot about what will happen to me when she’s no longer here or becomes unable to look after me. I used to share a lot of those same worries, too, until I met my partner. It’s such a complex issue with lots of feelings that nobody can ever quite be prepared for, in truth. I communicate about it with my mum a lot & we made a plan for next steps, which has really put her mind at ease. I think you’re so right that honest optimism is the way forward & we’re always here, if you ever need to talk, about anything. :)
    Community Volunteer Host (she/her) with a passion for writing and making the world a better place for disabled people to exist.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 9,696 Scope online community team
    It's good to hear from you @maple :) I'm glad that you're still going, even though things are really tough. 

    You mentioned that you and your son were sofa surfing in your original post. Do you have somewhere more permanent to stay now?

    I was sorry to read that you've experienced PTSD. Are you receiving any support to help you manage that at the moment?  
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  • Jo_2022
    Jo_2022 Community Volunteer Host Posts: 224 Pioneering
    Hello @maple! 😊 A warm welcome to you. I am so sorry to hear you are worried about your adult children. I am not a parent, although my brother has some complex health conditions, and I understand your concerns about the future. Have you thought of asking your GP for counselling? How are you getting along since your last post? 

    Community Volunteer Host with a passion for human rights.


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  • maple
    maple Member Posts: 8 Courageous
    Yes thank you for asking. The issue now is trying to get my son healthy enough to see a future without ESA and finding paid work and somewhere to live. I have tried everything and I need new ideas to inspire him. I have tried hard and now he feels happy when he is around me. The next step is on the horizon but I need to inspire or push him… If anyone has been in his position I’d warmly welcome any thoughts 🙏 

Brightness

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