Choices?

Topkitten

It is strange to think that sometimes it can take many years to make sensible choices and to avoid making mistakes and I guess I made a very large one when my problems first surfaced in 2003. I was in a relationship at the time but although the specialists figured cervical spine surgery would cure everything during the 14 month waiting period I managed to destroy that relationship. I did it to protect her though as I somehow knew it wasn't going to be that easy, and it wasn't. My ability to mobilize and my pain levels have both deteriorated since then once they finally found the real problem in 2006. I don't regret my decision as she would never have been able to cope with how I have become and her mental health was fragile when we first got together and I feared for her.

However, since then and after my initial coming to terms with never getting better, I have rebuffed a number of women for one simple reason. They all believed that my life could be salvaged physically no matter how much I explained it would not. Now though I wish I had met someone willing to accept me as I was and as I would become, not only for the physical side of a relationship (though that would have been nice) but mostly for someone to talk to and care for me at bad times and help me with difficult decisions or when my mental health problems prevented me from making sensible ones.

Having such a unique and unheard of (even by specialists) condition has made life very difficult and brought me into conflict with many doctors and many lonely visits to A&E. For reasons I wont go into I have averaged more than 1 visit a month for almost 3 years and spending hours in A&E alone and not having someone to push doctors into explaining better has made things very miserable at times especially for someone who used to be the life and soul of the party like myself.

I have spent most of the last 2 years housebound and only recently found a way of reducing pain levels by any reasonable amount and it was the pain that kept me indoors. My solution was a lucky guess though and, due to my problems, does carry some risks which having someone around would avoid. How long my solution will last is unknown before things get out of hand once more. Being stuck indoors for a long time made me realize just how much I missed people and also how I would have no chance at all to change things. Now, once I have bullied a few doctors again, I may have a brief respite which may give me a few choices. I say bullied because I definitely need to go back on medication that was stopped 2 years ago due to problems (albeit on a much lower level) in order to go out but they want to go through the same old slow "let's not be hasty" procedure that I went through before. I have told them what I have tried and what I need as a minimum to function better but, as usual, they want to start out way too low with something that simply will not be strong enough. With a limited time available before my method for reduction runs out I simply don't have time to waste.

Assuming though that I do get to mobilize again I have no idea how to find that right person because I am not just a grumpy old man but fussy, over-confident and even arrogant at times (comes of having a high IQ). I have tried dating online in the past but am not at my best with typing, I need to be face-to-face with people or spend weeks and months online before I am understood better and that simply is no use on a dating site. Going into the reasons for this would be a loooooooong post, lol!

I think I've probably missed and /or blown away my best chances and being 60+ isn't an easy age to start over especially when seriously ill and limited in both travel and time in getting to meet people. Oddly, I expected to find someone when I used to go to a disability center but for some odd reason there wasn't a single lady between 42 and 66 and I was 58 at the time. Perhaps women don't get ill between those ages, lol! Sorry, bad humour, makes people laugh face to face but gets misinterpreted online and I never understand why.

Sorry, this has gone on rather longer than I intended. Usual drivel served up by a lonely and grumpy old man.

TK