I’m Holly Greader, I’m 22 years
old and I write a blog called The
World in My Words. I wanted to share some of my
thoughts and experiences as a young disabled woman who had limited resources to
answer the questions I had about sex and relationships.
We are well aware that sex education in schools is extremely
poor. The information provided is outdated and the real questions are not being
addressed.
Sex Education forgets disabled people
One thing I notice is that there is zero representation for
disabled people in sex education. There’s this idea that disabled people can’t
or couldn’t care less about sex and relationships. Boy, are they wrong!
Everyone deserves love, intimacy and sex if they choose. Relationships and sex
should be fun, and we all have the right to enjoy them.
There are things that my body does ‘differently’ which could
change my experiences, yet this does not mean I’m not entitled to that
experience. As a disabled person and a young woman, I had questions that no one
else asked. Therefore, I kept quiet.
I missed out on the sex education lesson at school, yes
there was only one! I attended part-time due to my disability and happened to
not be there and no one deemed it necessary or seemed to care. However, what I can
tell you from friends is that the discussions were brief, very basic and only
included an abled man and an abled woman.
My initial interactions about relationships
I had my first boyfriend at 15-years-old and I had a lot of
questions about being disabled in a relationship. When speaking to friends I
didn’t always have the same curiosities or fears they did. Surprisingly I
didn’t have many questions surrounding sex, other than the usual ones every
other girl my age was having, until others began placing fears and doubts
inside my mind.
From the age of 16 I began to receive a lot of questions
from the guys in my class. It started with, can you have sex? I answered yes to
this because I wanted to seem cool and not come across as a prude, which is how
I was often referred to as a disabled person. Then the questions became more intrusive.
They would ask about the splints I wore and if would they get in the way. They
would ask questions surrounding my abilities to make it interesting, they
didn’t want to have sex with me if I was going to be a bore. My joints
frequently dislocated so they began asking questions like:
If you dislocated can I continue, or would you make me
stop?
Do you have to avoid certain things because of
dislocations?
Then came the pity response, I feel so sorry for you,
that you will never be able to have really good sex. Although they had made
it pretty clear that I was not worth their time, they continued to ask.
The impact of lacking knowledge
I began to believe that no guy would ever want an intimate
relationship with me. Anyone that showed any interest was pushed away because I
didn’t feel deserving enough. I began covering up my splints more and wishing
away my need for mobility aids more than ever because I’d been told that it was
weird and disgusting to use mobility aids during sex. It was at this point that
I finally realised that these guys had no idea what they were talking about.
The last time I checked my walking stick was not surgically attached to my hand
or my wheelchair to my backside. If it wasn’t clear enough already, consent and
courteous interactions were not covered well enough.
I found the lack of resources and conversations really
damaging and I am so grateful that it didn’t take me too long to gain
perspective. Sex works differently for everyone, disabled or not. Everyone has
their own preferences and I believe it’s important that everyone has
discussions about sex with anyone they are being sexually active with. I
believe that my disability created a situation in which I needed to have these
discussions and in doing so has enhanced my sexual experiences.
I made the decision to not hide the fact that my experiences
were slightly different when discussing the topic with friends. In doing so I
quickly became the go-to for my friends who had a disability. They never had
anyone to talk to and always felt they had to keep these questions to
themselves. In this day and age we are more open to taboo discussions, but sex
shouldn’t be a taboo topic. In every discussion we have, everyone should be
involved, including minority groups.
What questions do you
wish you had asked? How have you found relationships? Is there a lack of
disability representation? Let us know in the comments below!
