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GENDER QUESTIONING?!

Rach_AlexRach_Alex Member Posts: 5 Listener
makes me deaf and well say, disabled although I personally don’t view myself as having a disability as I don’t really know any different. 

I’m 20 in December and since I was about 13/14 I’ve been questioning if I really am a female....
when I was younger I used to love my girl toys and always loved a Ken doll, but not a bat man, I was like a typical child. 

I then developed an imaginary friend when I was about 5 to the age of 9, typical me.... he was a guy called Lad. We literally did EVERYTHING together. 
Now I’m older I kinda feel like this was me showing at a young age without realising that I preferred the idea of being a boy.... because Lad was a boy, he had tea parties but he also went climbing through the brambles. And I did it too.....

I used to often think to myself before going to bed and I usually pictured myself as a boy..... I still don’t know why it was just what seemed natural. Yes, I day dreamed about wearing a big white dress down the wedding isle but I also dreamed of being in the Army, rolling around in the mud with other men. I even used to make up stories in my head and I was the main character.... often than not I’d be a guy!

ive had transgender friends (both ways) and seen their struggles to be accepted... one moved to London and does drag now, and his make up is AMAZING! The other, is an amazingly attractive female, who competes in beauty competitions and has a boyfriend! 

At this moment in time when I think of myself I see my self as a guy.... in a uniform... with a full on tattoo sleeve and some decent muscles, hair gelled back and flat chested!

ive never thought about my private parts down below so I don’t know how I’d feel about something hints like standing up & using the loo, and I don’t think I’d be comfy using a urinal. 

I really don’t know what I am and I’m so confused. I’ve always hated my breasts and never really cared about my down belows. 
I know I defiantly want a breast reduction when I’m older but ideally I’d like them chopped off..... as for children, I don’t know if I’d manage to carry a baby anyway (I have problems with my period. I haven’t had one for over 1/2 a year and the doctors don’t care anyway.... it doesn’t bother me that I’m not ‘typical’. I also dislocated and with the extra weight I don’t think I’d cope. Plus the idea of something living off you for 9 months kinda freaks me out. 

What scares me the most though would be if I am transgender m, going to the GP and admitting it. I’ve been through counselling and everything before and honestly it messed me up more, it dig up the trauma I want to move on from and was awful. 

I’m on medication that is made as an antidepressant but I’m on it for migraines so if it’s blamed on depression it’s gonna be some high functioning depression alright! (I’m on about 3 different meds for other stuff that are actually antidepressants!)

I just don’t know what to do or where to start. 
Any help would be appreciated!

is deaf, disabled and transgender, a thing?
  • Rach_AlexRach_Alex  Posts: 2 Listener
    Sorry to add but when I was about 10 I started wearing board shorts & hoodies and that was amazing. I felt like the guys and it was acceptable for kid to be wearing clothes like that regardless of gender.....

    I’ve put on a lot of weight and obviously gone through puberty as a female but when I think to when I was happy it was before my health got as bad as it is, it’s when there wasn’t a care about gender or sexuality, it’s when I felt apart of the crowd even though social anxiety prevented me from joining in anything! It’s when I was skinny, had no boobs, didn’t know the difference between man and women (I was a naiive, possibly overprotected child) 
    I don’t know if I’m holding onto my old life, the freedom I used to have to dress on board shorts and not have to worry about if I’ve shaved my legs....

    it’s the small things too.
    like shaving my legs, it not only irritates my skin but it feels wrong (when I stopped doing it end of last summer 1) because I was back in jeans and 2) because my legs were basically just scared and bleeding from the shaving cuts not healing)
    its things like dyeing my hair to be the colour I’m supposed to be. 
    There’s all this telling me I’m male but then part of me is saying yeah but what about the wedding dress, what about wearing a cap and not having a luxiours ponytail flow through the back. 

    I’ve been mistaken as a guy before (we have to wear volunteering cuse it’s relating to medical stuff and hold back our hair) and it didn’t upset me, I felt fine. I found it funny too, but when I turned around and saw the disappointment and realisation. It was strange. 

    I just feel if I’m a girl and I stay as a girl I need to remove my breasts, and have long hair down to my waist. I keep my tattoos and piercings 

    If I choose to live as a guy, I’d love one of the quiffs but messy and kinda long, I’d love to be fit and muscular, with tattoo sleeves and maybe a bit of facial hair....

    whichever way I choose though I need to loose weight, get fitter and get rid of my quadrupole chin (it’s driving me mad!!)

Replies

  • RandomRandyRandomRandy Member Posts: 4 Listener
    Hi lots of info here! I am currently doing FTM transition and the paperwork has been the easiest part really. I was told there would be an 81 week waiting time for an appointment! That would have been this year before Sept 11! However this stupid virus has put myself back a year now!
    If you are still considering breast reduction ( which I tried to get) you need to be in specific BMI bracket! 
    This is for NHS by the way, there are other options, but they will cost!
    You need to be sure you are willing to take Testosterone for the rest of your life and undergo major surgery, where you might be unable to walk for about 3 days?
    In all it may be about 3 years before you can be classed as the opposite gender?!
    There is a Gender Recognition Certificate, but need to have 'lived' as your 'chosen' gender for 2 years before applying! ( This is for singletons, and not those in marriage or civil partnership)?! It is best to do your research!!
    Transition all depends on variables!
    If you did go for transition, have you considered your name change? It is one of the first things I did, best to try it out with friends! Or at at coffee shop where they call out your name, if you like your new name and respond, that is good. It takes a while for everyone to get used to new name and pronouns, so consider that!
    My family somewhat disowned myself due to my transition and up to now have a very hands-off approach! Consider who else may be affected.
    Also they can freeze your eggs, but you will need a sperm donor if you want kids, or adopt like I plan to!
    Hope this helped, hope I didn't waffle? Hope I didnt miss much out? 🤔🤞🏻👍
  • RonniRonni Member Posts: 162 Pioneering
    Perhaps you hate gendering. And hate breast. 
    You want the boyish look. 
    Perhaps you might even be gay.
    All the other you mentioned the OP etc seem less important. To you
    Besides breast.
    Perhaps you just want a masculine, androgynous look. 
    Good look in figuring who you want to be.

     
  • Si_ObhanSi_Obhan Member Posts: 34 Courageous
    All I can say is that none of the things you mention make you less female. I’m a woman and look very “feminine” most of the time in the way that I dress, but I hate shaving my legs and let me tell you that thick tights save me from the shame every day. I am not downplaying your thoughts or experiences but nothing that you wrote there has convinced me that you are transgender, as I have self professed “butch” friends, and tomboys who dress and feel the way you describe. Not only that but I also wanted to be in the army and roll around in mud, until I found out I have this illness and didn’t get past the application form. All of my friends are men, I have traditionally male orientated hobbies, I have PCOS and my periods stop for 6 months and I take provera to restart them, but secretly I hate having periods at all and only take it to prevent cancer or the womb lining... why I’m telling you all this is because I would think very carefully if you’re not sure. The hormones and things you would have to take on what could be a “feeling” are very serious things. If you are serious I would make other, non drastic changes to your life first before embarking on a journey that could be wrong for you. 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,672 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Rach_Alex, is there anything else we can do to help? :)
    Community Partner
    Scope

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  • Francis_theythemFrancis_theythem Member Posts: 110 Pioneering
    Hi! I'm a trans AFAB. I'm non-binary. When you talked about your friends you said 'both ways' so maybe you haven't heard of this before. Non-binary is a term for people who don't identify as a girl or boy. Non-binary people usually have gender dysphoria, like you describe. Some present more feminine and some present or masculine. I dress very masculine. I have terrible dysphoria about my breasts too. I just wanted you to understand that it's not just boy or girl, there's a whole host of other genders too!And also that breasts do not define you as a boy, girl or non-binary.

    I'm telling you about non-binary because it could explain why you have dreams about girl and boy things if you felt that was very conflicting. But it's actually pretty normal for girls to dress in hoodies and jeans, do sports and play with things like boys would. Some girls hate shaving their legs too and dressing feminine. A lot of girls like masc things and are not feminine in any way. Sometimes, gender problems can come about as a result of other problems like mental illness or trauma.

    Surgery and hormone treatment are very permanent things so it's best to take things very slowly before taking drastic action. A non-temporary thing you can try might be binding. This is a way of temporarily binding your breasts to give you a flatter chest. There are special binders you can get to try this out and see if it helps. 'Danae' in the netherlands make very good binders, so I recommend trying that first. But with binding, it is VERY important not to bind with anything else. Most of all, you're not alone - I know its confusing and that it can take time to work out. I'm always here if you'd like to talk about things. But for now, I'd advise experimenting with your gender presentation like clothes, pronouns (he/him or they/them) and any other social things, maybe a slight alteration of your name? This got really long, I'm sorry about that.

  • Bell11Bell11 Member Posts: 24 Connected
    Hi I agree with Francis above. Maybe you want to be both genders or neither.. I am a female and love dressing up like one. I love my breasts (hate shaving legs and always hated periods, thank god they have stopped now) we are all individuals. Just because I love girly doesnt mean you have to. Be comfortable in your self, dress how you want to and be who you want to be. I mean would it really be that strange if you walked round in male clothes but with long hear and makeup on, or a cap and high heels. Some people are quick to judge others. Even as a female others look and you get the stare of oh look at her who does she think she is,, to fat ,,to thin,, dress to short trousers to long. What I'm trying to say is you will never please every one no matter what you do. So just be you and be happy. 
  • leeCalleeCal Member Posts: 2,718 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 2020
    What I'm trying to say is you will never please every one no matter what you do. So just be you and be happy. 
    Couldn’t agree more. The locus of control is within you and without riding roughshod over others  the means to our ultimate happiness lies within.
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