Am I in the wrong — Scope | Disability forum
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Am I in the wrong

Ali101_ Member Posts: 7 Listener
I help look after my 89 year old gran,  she has mobility problems, during lock down she wasn't coping at all, she started halcuiating wasn't eating or drinking, after speaking to her gp he said that family members had to go in to help or it would be home care. I did not want home care so between me and my mum we have been getting her shopping, and taking dinners in. While we are aware of the current situation we would sit in her dinning room and speak to her for about 30 mins twice a week, we would have no physical contact and washed hands and all surfaces atc.  It has help her alot and she calmed right down and was coping with everything a bit better.
However today while I was in dropping off her dinner my uncle called and gave me abuse threatening he was gonna kick my head in etc and report me.  I was pretty shocked and shook up about it and feel physically sick to be honest.  This guy hasn't phoned her in the last 10 weeks he barely visits her 1 a month in normal circumstances. Am I completely in the wrong here, was I just to leave her there deteriating with no one to speak to,  loosing weight and hearing things day and night. 


  • easy
    easy Member Posts: 234 Pioneering
    You are not wrong at all. We all need someone to talk to just to remain sane.I am so pleased you are trying to help your gran, it's sad that your uncle isn't caring.
  • Ali101_
    Ali101_ Member Posts: 7 Listener
    I honestly couldn't believe the way he was shouting down the phone, calling me all sorts and sayin he was going to kick my head in etc.  It turns out my other uncle has the same feeling s as him and both are against me. 
  • Ails
    Ails Member Posts: 2,256 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Ali101_ and welcome to the Community.  It's nice to meet you.  First of all, can I say what a sterling job you have been doing along with your mum in helping your gran and it has clearly helped her too and made her feel better.  Of course, you have done the right thing in helping your gran and it sounds like you and your mum have taken all precautions to keep her and yourselves safe whilst in her company.  I'm very saddened and shocked that your uncle chose to speak to you in this manner.  The way he has behaved is unacceptable and he has been quite abusive.  Nobody has the right to behave in that manner towards someone else, family member or not and if it was me I would think about speaking to the police about it as he has clearly threatened you with violence.  Obviously this isn't an easy step to take for anyone and I realise he is your uncle at the end of the day, but he has stepped over the mark.  I can totally appreciate how upset you must be at this and hope you are ok now.  If you need to speak to us then please do so anytime as there is always someone on here to listen.  You have done nothing wrong so please remember that.  Please stay safe and well and let us know how you are getting on.  All the best.  :smile:

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  • Ali101_
    Ali101_ Member Posts: 7 Listener
    Thank u for ur support. For the sake of my gran I won't involve the police however if he comes to my house and threatens me or worst I will be involving the police. 
  • Ails
    Ails Member Posts: 2,256 Disability Gamechanger
    You are welcome. @Ali101_ and I can totally appreciate you thinking about your gran.  That is understandable and yes, you are quite right to phone the police if he comes to your house and threatens you.  Hopefully he will have the sense to stay away.  All the best.  :smile:
    Winner of the Scope New Volunteer Award 2019.   :)
  • April2018mom
    April2018mom Posts: 2,872 Connected
    No. You are not to blame at all. Keep doing the right thing. Has she had a needs assessment or not? 
  • Ali101_
    Ali101_ Member Posts: 7 Listener
    No she can normally manage herself, taking her time doing stuff around the house and we always took her for her shopping however because she wasn't getting out after lock down her mobility deteriorated, she also hurt her shoulder which meant she struggled to use her zimmer. She's limited to which painkillers she can take also so she was in alot of pain and struggling, other than carers going in the gp said we had to step in to help her even though we were to try and keep our distance. She was phoning me day and night sayin she was hearing noises and thought there was somethijg moving on her bed. I  felt I had no choice but to go up and sit with her for short periods to keep her calm and within 2 weeks of doin this she calmed down and got back to a bit of normality. Apparently now my uncles think I'm in the wrong, call me a fat ba***d and there going to kick my cu*t in as I don't know what lock down means. They have no idea about what she was like as they have very little contact with her. I'm just so fed up with it all, I'm trying my best to help her as no one else will and I'm getting these threats. My wee boy was standing and could hear the shouting down the phone him threatening me, 
  • M_Anthony
    M_Anthony Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 309 Pioneering
    Hello @Ali101_

    I am sorry to hear this, I know how difficult it can be helping a older person in my family which had issues and having to deal with another family members bad attitude. While there is a lockdown, your uncles have no right to threaten you like that. You are doing the best you can for her in these circumstances.

    To be honest with you their behavior is already out of hand, I would recommend contacting the police, otherwise they will feel free to call your home anytime and have control over you.
  • OverlyAnxious
    OverlyAnxious Member Posts: 1,795 Disability Gamechanger
    It sounds like lockdown has taken it's toll on your Uncle unless he's always like that?  If he is, I'd just cut contact with him, never understood why anyone should be forced to maintain contact just because they're related. 

    It's a difficult situation because obviously any contact you have with an elderly person is putting them at more risk of the virus, no matter how careful you are.  Maybe your Uncle is genuinely worried about his Mum.  But without your help she may have ended up in an even more risky hospital environment.  There will always be grey areas at the edge of the lockdown guidelines but I don't think you've done anything wrong here.
  • deb74
    deb74 Member Posts: 782 Pioneering
    I think you have definatley done the right thing! @Ali101. You couldn't just leave your gran to struggle. It sounds like your uncles need to back off! Especially if they normally have nothing to do with your gran. Those threats were awful. It sounds like they just want her to just be left to suffer.
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,578 Scope online community team
    What a terrible situation @Ali101_. It sounds like you've been doing a fantastic job and your gran has really benefited. If your uncle continues to threaten you, or you feel like you might be in danger, definitely involve the police.
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  • janer1967
    janer1967 Member Posts: 16,443 Disability Gamechanger
    Keep doing what you are doing and help your gran, ignore your uncle or maybe send him a letter explaining the situation rather than having a confrontation with him. Though personally I wouldn't give him the time of day with that attitude.
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 12,478 Disability Gamechanger
    @Ali101_ - Your Gran's GP recommended family members help, or she would end up in a care home. I would remind your Uncles about this, & that she seems somewhat better due to you, & your Mum's help. Ask them to get in touch with your Gran's GP if they have any concerns, &/or you have any further confrontation from them.
  • Ali101_
    Ali101_ Member Posts: 7 Listener
    Thank u everyone,  my mum spoke to 1 of her brothers and tried to explain exactly what gran has been like but he had the attitude of we shouldn't b there.  As for the other brother were having no Contact at all.  I'm having nothing to do with him. I have power of attorney and do everything for my gran, he can't even loft a phone once a week but thinks he's gonna dictate to me what I've to do
     I know my gran better than anyone else and no way would I leave her alone when she was hallucinating and basically giving up hope. Maybe they could have that on there conscious but I certainly couldn't. I shouldn't be surprised by them really. These r the same 2 people who didn't visit there dying brother who had learning disabilities for the 2 weeks he lay dying in the hosp, it was me and my mum who sat and held his hand til the end as my gran couldn't bare to watch him. I also got the blame of taking over then too. 
  • M_Anthony
    M_Anthony Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 309 Pioneering
    Hi @Ali101_

    You are doing the right thing in these circumstances, just because there is a lockdown, doesn't mean you just leave vulnerable family alone. Family or not you don't have to explain or justify yourself to them. 


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