Autism and Aspergers
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:( Scared im not capable of being a great girlfriend

fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
edited June 2020 in Autism and Aspergers
Hey everyone.

I am in a new relationship with somebody who I think the entire world of, I love him with every fiber of my being. We were friends for 3 years prior to the relationship and I can honestly say he's one of the closest/best friends I have made in years.

The issue is, I have never really had many friends, I have few due to my condition and the ones I do keep in touch with we don't speak lots, he has a big group of friends whom he sees frequently and goes to social events with.

My biggest fear is that he is going to realize that I am a loner :( and I fear were not going to slot into each others lives in a relationship sense, I am also worried that I am going to be too much of a handful as I tend to worry alot about lots of things and I feel as though I have invited trouble into his life by being his girlfriend and that he could do so much better :( 

I just feel a bit rubbish and I wish I could be this confident ray of sunshine that he deserves! who is a social butterfly and somebody he is proud to call his own, I hate to say this but this is the part of my condition I hate :( as I just wish I could function as a usual person, I would hate for this to get in the way of this thing that is super important to me :( 

Replies

  • woodbinewoodbine Member Posts: 2,884 Disability Gamechanger
    The only advice I can offer is to be yourself and take it all a day at a time, at least you have known in for some time which should be a bonus.
  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    Hello @woodbine

    Thank you for your reply, I wrote this when I was feeling a bit rubbish earlier, I suppose it's easy to get lost in your own thoughts during a time where distractions are few and far between.

    Taking each day as it comes is good advice and being friends for a while is a huge plus, moment's after this I spoke with him about it openly and he's always been very supportive about everything, he was there to hold my hand throughout the entire diagnosis process and has said on multiple occasions it doesn't change his opinion of me.

    I just need to build my confidence little by little and realize my worth again, this has certainly knocked my confidence more than I expected, but I am hoping I can build it back little by little.

    Thanks again.

     
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing Team, Community Team Posts: 7,940 Scope community team
    edited June 2020
    Hi @fairybellsxo. It's pretty awful feeling like you're not good enough for someone and worrying about that constantly, I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. Try and remember, you were friends for 3 years first, I imagine he knows you quite well by now and so there's not going to be much that surprises him. He chose to be with you because he wants to be.

    As Woodbine said, the best advice here is to be yourself. It does sound as though you're devaluing yourself at the moment. Think about all the positive things you bring to the relationship. 
    Mind have some resources on self-esteem that you may find useful too.

    I'm really glad you were able to talk to him about how you're feeling though. Keeping an open line of communication is very important in a relationship.
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
  • janer1967janer1967 Community champion Posts: 7,278 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi it seems you really have found your soulmate, and don't forget even though he knew you before as a friend that didn't out him off wanting you to be his girlfriend. He knew what he was getting involved with and that is a beautiful person with a good heart and that is what matters most.

    Its good you can talk to each other and communication is key to any relationship.

    He is also lucky to have you 
  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    @Adrian_Scope

    Thank you kindly for your compassionate and thought out response to my worry, I was feeling really upset when I wrote it out and I feared that I provided to much detail really, but It's just what came to mind at the time.

    It really is not nice feeling like your not good enough, he also says he has self confidence issues as he has a minor facial disfigurement which he is conscious of,  which ironically is one of the biggest reasons that drew me into him in the first place. I think he's the most lovely person I have ever met and is very charismatic and loved by everybody who knows him, he's an amazing poet, musician, storyteller! photographer :( he's just interested in many things that I am and I really just don't want to mess things up, by simply being myself as I do feel I've found my soulmate and I wish I could rid myself of all of my worry's!

    It's not very often I meet people who are ' ideal ' partners as they have to tick so many boxes with me being so eccentric myself.

    I love him very much and I really do hope that I can realize my worth soon! I try not to dwell on how I feel too much as I know it isn't healthy, I just feel I need a bit of a miracle to remember ' who I am ' as I have spent so many years masking ' who I am ' and pretending to be what other's seem to expect as ' normal ' that I have lost my way.

    Thank you again and I hope your well during this testing time.



  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    @janer1967

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful and sweet reply, I tend to forget about those bigger details that we were friends for a few years before, he told me he has always had feelings for me but only it only recently come to light as I had broken up with my previous boyfriend.

    He is very kind, he sent me 6 month anniversary flowers in the post, ( due to the lock down ) we also celebrated our first month together ( which touched me ).

    Another worry of mine is that, it is very fashionable and regarded ' beautiful ' in our scene of friends to have spotless makeup and hair! and to wear a particular kind of clothing and I just don't dress ' rocky ' in the slightest, I have more of a floral/fairy like approach in what I wear and I envy the beauty of everybody we know and wonder if he wishes I looked perfect like they do, I have asked him this and he said " I love you for your differences and you are unique " but I just tend to feel envy alot.

    Thank you again and I am sorry I went of on a bit of a tangent there, 

    I hope you are well :) during these testing times.
  • janer1967janer1967 Community champion Posts: 7,278 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi again 

    We all have our own style of dress and appearance and it is most likely your style he finds perfect as you are showing your individuality and not following everyone else . Lots of men prefer a more natural look than high maintenance and dont forget beauty comes from within. 

    I do understand your doubts I too am in a new relationship and wonder why my boyfriend wants to be with me in a wheelchair and unable to do some of the things he enjoys but again I try and be positive and he gives me lots reassurance 

    Try to not over think it and enjoy the good times you are having together 
  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    @janer1967

    Hello Janer, that's so sweet of you to say! I do have a style of my own I have always found that boho suits me most and this is a style I adopted from a very young age, it makes me feel feminine and works with my day dreamy nature, it's just how I feel best really and the clothing tends to be far more ' comfortable ' as it's floaty :) 

    Thankyou for understanding, I am and always will be a true believer of beauty comes from within this is something very close to my heart and why I was so drawn to my current boyfriend, he's the most beautiful person I have ever known and he's surrounded by a beautiful glow ( in my head ) I just think he's fantastic.

    He want's to be with you because there is only one of you in the world :) nobody else would simply do because they aren't you, I find when people connect with someone ' deeply ' this is the basis of REAL love and that is very rare to find.

    I am happy to hear he reassures you as it's something that is so so simple to do, I know that Im always happy to do so but I have been in relationships in the past where they have found it frustrating, I realise this kind of relationship/communication style doesn't suit me at all as I tend to shut off from the world when I can't express my feelings and ask questions.

    Thank you once again for being so helpful you've been great and if you need any help/advice from me id be happy to try my best :) 

    Goodnight.
  • janer1967janer1967 Community champion Posts: 7,278 Disability Gamechanger
    Thankyou for your lovely post we both deserve to be happy and loved I sure think I have found it this time 

    Good luck and keep safe 
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    I had a social butterfly for a girlfriend and also as a wife. She certainly got along with everyone, even better than I did and I was popular. After 9 and a half years of marriage I found out about 10 affairs I could prove that she had had and a few I couldn't prove. The divorce came soon after and she constantly chased me for it s she could marry again. Social butterfly's aren't always better. I'd settle now for just someone loyal and accepting but that's just a dream for a housebound person like me. Love is over for some. Make the best of what you have while you can because the future is never certain.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    @Topkitten

    Hello :) Thank you for your comment.

    I am really sorry to hear that, you raise a very valid point and it is not one I had considered.

    I feel in his own words he has already told me this, he has said he has dated ' normal ' kinds of girls and found it didn't work out for him and they always end up hurting him where as with me it's different and he loves what I have to offer, I suppose what he is trying to say is that he feels comfortable with me :) 

    When I love someone I do with all of my heart and am extremely loyal to them, so I am hoping that this can be felt by him.

    I hope you don't feel too lonely without love in your life, I can assure you that there is love in this world for everybody if you believe it to be true, my boyfriend has a facial disfigurement and when we were friends we used to speak about that, he would tell me how whenever he liked somebody in a romantic way, it never stretched further and he could go years and years in-between each person and felt he could never find somebody.

    Little did he know that I was absolutely madly in love with him and the very fact he had the disfigurement made me love him more because it just makes me LOVE him more intensely, if I am honest. Before we were together he had an opportunity to get surgery and I managed to convince him that I wanted him to remain as the person I have always known and loved, although had to be mindful that it was important that I encouraged the change if he felt it would make him happier, I suppose he doesn't feel the need anymore as he knows I love him as he is.

    It's a strange old world and you never know what may be around the corner for you :) you seem like a lovely humble person and I have high hopes for you.

    x


  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @fairybellsxo, unfortunately for me there is no chance at all. I can and do leave the house now and again, completely against doctor's orders and by overdoing things medication-wise but the outings are very brief and I don't go anywhere to meet people. I would NEVER ask a woman to meet me at home, to encourage unsafe behavior in anyone is an anathema to me. Which leaves me where I have been for the last 15 years, homebound and alone. It only annoys me that the homebound situation need not be so if the GP or Social Housing or both weren't such incompetent jobsworths and also because my disability, despite it's severity, is invisible so I still look presentable and 'normal' ish, lol! I have had a few opportunities to test the water in the early years but put them off knowing how bad things would get, I just never expected to regret such decisions but it's only at times. Mostly when I get ignored by family for extended periods.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    You know what is best for you, If you don't mind me asking why would it be unsafe to invite somebody into your life? is this factual or an opinion/fear that you hold dear to your belief system yourself? :( 

    I appreciate your frustration with people being jobsworths I have came across a few in my time and it does tend to feel that they ' know better ' without delving deeper and researching further, I came across one of those before my diagnosis of autism, he felt it necessary before I left the meeting to tell me that " he doesn't believe I have autism, but that's just his opinion, he also felt it necessary to say it presents more in boys ;o I couldn't believe my ears.

    I am sorry to hear your family ignore you, is there a reason? or do you find they tend to go quiet now and then.




  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @fairybellsxo, it should be very clear to ALL women that they do not put themselves into a dangerous situation especially when meeting someone for the first time. Knocking on someone's door, how could they possibly know what or who lies beyond? Early meetings with the opposite sex should ALWAYS be in a public place for the safety of others being around.

    As for the jobsworths..... it took 18 months instead of 3 to get a Social Care report detailing I should be housed in a wheelchair assisted property. It took a further 6 months for Social Care to correct it so that it made sense, this time by someone appropriately qualified. By the time I received the final report I had been made homebound for over a year. Social housing rules state that to accept a new property you must visit (once you finally get the option to) the property in order to accept it. No visit, no property. I attempted to clarify this with my Housing Manager because I could not use such a process and, after 2-3 weeks, I finally received a call from him having a go at me for wasting his time.

    I have 3 grown up children and the eldest 2 girls are so wrapped up in their own worlds and helping others that the only contact with me has been a reply to my offer to help them if they got into trouble. They both replied they would be fine and that was it. My son I helped get a temporary job which lasted until 5 weeks ago. Up until then I saw him every few days, received a few phone calls and, when he stopped getting work offered to help him search another. In the last 5 weeks I have had no contact at all and he hasn't replied to my calls.

    Not a happy person really.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • fairybellsxofairybellsxo Member Posts: 44 Courageous
    I understand the place of which you are coming from now! I mean, this isn't something that naturally I would consider with my autism, but something that should have been the forefront of my mind! 

    I have only ever dated people who have been my friends for years and years on end so fortunately I know that I can trust them before meeting up with them, this is how I protect myself from that kind of thing.

     I would suggest perhaps then, asking them into the garden? :) if you can't leave home with a clear access point out in sight, obviously not ' going into detail as it would come across strange but making it plain by just leaving a back gate open? :) This could be a good way of meeting people for the first time if your unable to leave your home!

    Yes it is a shame, some people are not in their jobs because they are passionate or caring and this manifests into how competent they are, if somebody isn't kind they won't put in the effort to help, but they shouldn't be in that position in the first place and should consider these things before applying, It is a shame that those people are out there, and the way you were spoken to was completely unacceptable ' wasting time ' I really do hope you put in a formal complaint :( because that kind of language is just unnecessary.

    People behave in that defensive type of manner when they have been questioned, it hurts their ' ego ' and they never learn from their mistakes :) I pity souls like that as they must have such miserable lives treating people in such terrible ways.

    In regards to the last part, I think :) you should speak with your children and tell them you miss them and would like to see them more often :) sometimes we simply are that busy with our own lives it can be so hard to strike the right balance and often we don't even realise we are neglecting the needs of others due to trying to please EVERYBODY around us, I think if you let them know this will solve the problem :) 


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