Autism and Aspergers
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I did a bad bad thing...

Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
I have done two things that are wrong because my autistic brain has told me to do and it will be fine, but it was not and I am very sorry for it. 
The first one that my sister needed colouring in paper because she did not have any and would need something to do to whilst being off the wi-fi (she was not allowed to be on because others were using Zoom which causes wi-fi quality to decrease). I had some blank colouring in pages from a journal I had a few years ago but never finished, so I gave them to her. But this was a journal when I was going through a bad time (not anymore) that I crossed out  all the lines and ripped up the worst pages so she could not see them, and I was happy to finally get rid of it. But I did not think that my family would read them especially since it was so old and crossed out. But they did and although they said they were not having a go at me when they questioned why I would give pages to my sister to colour in (it was an accident that I should have thought about in hindsight), but I made a mistake later on and they used it to hang over me by suggesting that I am not a good person and I made them want to kill themselves. It was a complete accident and I am so sorry for it, I don't know what to do to make it right.
The second thing I did that was wrong was that today I did not realise that the postman had arrived until the door made a noise, but I did not want to disturb my parents when they were in a meeting, as this has annoyed them in the past (people walking around noisily whilst meetings were going on). I also assumed that the postman would leave the stuff at the door as that has happened to my parcels in the past, but they left a card saying pick it up tomorrow which I was not aware that they had done until it was too late. Now they are angry at me for it because they think it was done out of laziness (when it was not), and that I did not just apologise. I did apologise but I also wanted to explain because they did not like it in the past when I just apologised without explaining and now I am confused and guilty. 
I don't know what to do. I am so fed up of explaining the ways my autistic brain works to non-autistic people, and I fear these will become reasons to throw me out. 

Replies

  • leeCalleeCal Member Posts: 3,383 Disability Gamechanger
    Things always seem worse than they are when we dwell on them too much. I often catastrophise myself especially if I’m alone and have no one to talk to to take my mind off things. If I feel like that I listen to some soothing music or I have some essential oil which I sniff, probably sounds daft but it’s a strong but nice smell and it reminds me of pleasant things. 
    I hope all will be well for you and try not to worry.
  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    I know I shouldn't dwell on them but it is hard not too when there is no clear resolution and I don't really have anyone in the hourse I can talk to to take my mind off things. I will try to distract myself though before I have to confront it again. How do you deal with the anxiety of not knowing how or when an issue will be resolved, if ever?
  • leeCalleeCal Member Posts: 3,383 Disability Gamechanger
    @Dylan246 How do you deal with the anxiety of not knowing how or when an issue will be resolved, if ever?

    when I feel that way I try to remember that yesterday has gone, what’s past is past , tomorrow who knows what will be but right now I’m actually okay. Right now I mean, right now I’m fine.
    That helps me when I have something I’d normally worry about. Then I do something, watch an old movie, listen to music, read something light, anything to change my mind and distract myself. Of course we’re all different and what might work for me may not for someone else but I hope it helps. 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,955

    Scope community team

    Hi @Dylan246. I don't think you've done anything bad and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It was kind of you to give your sister your old colouring sheets and I'm sorry that it meant your family saw your old journal entries, it sounds like a genuine mistake. The things they said to you don't sound very nice. How do you get on with your family? Are you and you sister close in age?
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  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    Hi @leeCal and @Adrian_Scope,
    Thank you for your replies. I can deal with no knowing if an issue will be resolved on the day that it happens by distracting myself as much as possible because if I do not then I will stay still for a long time and possibly self-harm, but I know in the back of my head that the issue is not over because it often starts up again the next morning. I will constantly try to distract myself but it is hard to completly forget the past as I do have issues with rumination. 
    It was a genuine mistake about the colouring sheets and I will stand by this for the rest of my life, but my family often equate the minor mistakes or mistakes that can easily be remedied, with major mistakes or mistakes that will take time to resolve. I do get on with my family most of the time but there are times when I make mistakes that can cause shouting and disappointment over my presence. My sister is severely autistic and one year older than me, so I get people being over-protective of her. But sometimes I feel like people want to ignore the fact that I am autistic (Aspergers Syndrome) which can really make me feel bad about myself sometimes. 
  • Rhodie72Rhodie72 Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Hey, Dylan.. you did 2 things. They weren't weren't wrong wrong at all. They were reasoned and logical thoughts but Neurotypicals do not reason, they feel and they dont recognise calculated responses as acceptable.

    They have a problem with how they perceived you. 

    Repeat: they have a problem with their perception. 

    You dont have a problem, you have a condition they don't understand. That is not your problem and, it's not your fault.

    They need to deal with their problems before attacking you for your disability but that's their flaw... they feel what you never felt and emotions are a minefield to you as with me.

    Just move aside and let them feel until feelings change, which they will, as always. Remind them that your journal was private and reading it was not intended for their consumption. If anything, they breached your trust and trod your hallowed halls of thought without thinking it through because they didn't know better.

    It's not your problem and being direct and honest but refusing to accept blame is responsible of you to yourself. 
    Dream big, plan well, achieve goals, live the dream.

  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    Thank you for your comments @Rhodie72, trying to be reasoned and logical often ends up being the same as autopilot for me, and I get what you mean about neurotypicals because they do not like that I can think a different way to them on a particular issue. I know I have to be aware that people do not understand autism, but I feel like a broken record whenever I am in a situation that requires me to explain my disability. Dealing with emotions is really tough, but everyone tjinks I am the one that's tough to deal with.
    I am trying to move aside and let them feel until feelings change but it feels like whenever I do that that they are giving me the silent treatment. This feels really tough because I feel like I am on the outside even when I am in the wrong, and I do not know how to get back in or how to make things right, but I worry that when I try to it will make things worse.
    I know that the journal was private and I had never meant for them to read it, as it was meant to be that my sister would immediately colour them in and then recycle them just as she would always do with other colouring in papers and magazines. However, I am aware that releasing them from my room meant for some people that they no longer become private. Therefore, that situation probably would not have happened in the first place. 
    I do want to be direct and honest but I am not sure people will like it. 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Dylan246, really sorry you have been feeling this way. It sounds like it's been have been stressful and there is a lot of pressure. 

    Do you feel the pressure comes from yourself or from others? Please feel free to express things on the community and we will try offer support where we can. Take care.
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  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    Hi @Chloe_Scope, thank you for your message. I do feel a lot of stress and pressure especially in a social sense, because I feel like I constantly have to function as close to neurotypical behaviour as possible. I do feel pressure from others because they are contradictory, they say one thing then ages later do the opposite, or want a certain answer from me if they have asked me a question. I am often confused. 
  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    How do you stop yourself from freezing up  out of anxiety in a stressful situation when sorting something out (e.g. helping the window cleaners to access the house) and waiting for people's instructions to do something very simple which would not happen if you hadn't frozen up in the first place? When I do it it comes off as lazy and unwilful and I really do not want to do that because that it not my intention and it hurts the other person so much more. 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Dylan246, that sounds really stressful, I'm sorry you feel pressured in these situations. You haven't done anything wrong and you aren't lazy. 

    Stickman communications offer cards for disabled people. They have some related to Autism and could help you to explain situations when it feels too much or when you freeze up.
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  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    Thank you @Chloe_Scope. I'll take a look at those cards. 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I hope they are helpful @Dylan246. :)
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