Random jokes and funnies thread.

encaser

I was thinking earlier, that maybe this place could do with a random joke and funnies thread (funny pictures/cartoon/jokes etc.) that was open to all kinds of what tickles members fancy - no swearing or X rated jokes or images obviously, we don't want this to happen:



I'll start with an oldie.

A man goes to his Dr and asks, Why do my wife's toes jiggle when we make love?

Dr replies, Have you asked her to take her tights off?!!

encaser

Tori_Scope

This reminds me of the picture jokes thread that @male45 started a few months ago. You might want to take a look through those to have a bit of a laugh @encaser! Thanks for starting this thread, too. I think we could all do with a good laugh at the moment

Tori_Scope

Tori_Scope

encaser

Ross_Scope

Tori_Scope said:

This made me laugh too much @Tori_Scope

Gotta love Twitter

Tori_Scope

It made me chuckle a lot too @Ross_Scope You have to look at the funny side of these things.

encaser

[Deleted User]

LOL! A while back there was a job going at the B&Q down in Darnall, only thing that put me off applying was that last I heard my ex from school works there.

leeCal

I went into B and Q, I said “can I have a kilo of nails please?” An assistant said “ of course, how long do you want them?” I said “ forever.”

[Deleted User]

2 pieces of string went into a Bar, 1 went up to the Bar and said "Pint of mild please", the second one went, the Barman said "Are you a piece of string?" the string said "No I'm afraid not!" (Frayed Knot)

*gets coat*

colgail

A slab of black tarmac and a slab of concrete walk into a bar and ordered 2 pints. They sat down with their drinks and commenced a discussion about who was the toughest. The tarmac said that he was the strongest because he bore the weight of the country's traffic on his back. The concrete retorted that he was stronger as he was the chosen material for all the airports runways and that day after day fully laden planes took off and landed on his back day and night. The conversation continued in this vein for some time, getting increasingly more heated.
Then a slab of red tarmac walked in and the conversation abruptly stopped. The barman then said to the black tarmac and concrete, 'I don't understand you two. You were going at it hammer and tongs and then shut up when the red tarmac walked in. Why?'
They replied to the barman ' we don't talk to him. He's a cycle path.'  (Psychopath.)



Went to get coat but it had already gone!!!!

[Deleted User]

Here's a Christmas themed one I just saw on Facebook, made into my own version.

So I went in Tesco for the annual Christmas Turkey, they'd sold out, went in Morrison's, same.. So what did I end up with? A Lidl Donkey!

Cher_Inactive

@colgail and @MrAllen1976 They both really tickled me!! 

Cher_Inactive

66Mustang

Ha ha

Ibelive2020

[Deleted User]

I commented to my Parents when they were about to announce the Tiers last week that there'd be tears about Tiers, especially if they had to keep the schools closed till further notice.

Ibelive2020

@MrAllen1976 lmao 

Geoark

I told a couple of friends at work that I had found a secret screen on Call of Duty where you can create your own weapons. So I made a boomerang grenade and discovered the flaw in my design when I first tried to use it. Two of us could not stop laughing when the other asked where he could find it.

I told my daughter in Far Cry 5 on Christmas Day I had received a notice that I was on Santa's permanent naughty list after killing 8 reindeer in succession. She asked me if that was a real achievement in the game. Only on Christmas day and they are pulling a sled and a large jolly gentleman with a large sack